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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm going to need legal advice aren't I.

8 replies

madamandthemartyr · 31/12/2019 17:55

Ex DP and I have a 4 year old, we have been separated 18months.
We have shared 50/50 care on a 2/2/3 schedule, but DD will be starting school in April and this will have to change to suit school etc, this was pre agreed after our split and Ex has always been aware of this.

I know every story has two sides, but I feel I have always tried to be fair and reasonable, Ex had DD for Xmas, and her birthday, and I assisted him in claiming benefits and dealing with paperwork to prepare for the split, I do the majority of the driving. (We live 40mins apart)

Ex now has a new partner, of approx 3/4 months, who has moved in with her teenager.

New partner did not make any effort to introduce herself, and I asked Ex if he and I could meet to discuss several issues I have with DDs care and our lack of communication.

This was refused, and I was told to send a text message, so I sent an admittedly very long message that set out my points, he responded, and (guilty as charged) it descended into bickering by text. He stated he will take me to court as he now disputed the previously agreed arrangements for DDs school, and claims to be 'primary carer'.

I was then telephoned by new partner, who I had not met, who asked me to consider other schools and other care schedules- I agreed to consider this pending a meet.

We met today, Ex refused to speak, and it was was essentially a very cold/wordy conversation between me and new partner (she is ten years older than me with 'childcare qualifications' and I don't take well to being patronised)- I tried to ask Ex to contribute to the conversation but he said he would not speak to me as I am mad.
I was not as controlled as I would like to have been, and felt I floundered a bit, and did not come across very well.

I feel it is not new partners place to be so invested after such a short time, or controlling the situation and that Ex and I should be having the conversations.

I need proper mediation don't I???

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/12/2019 17:57

Yes book mediation.

Uncompromisingwoman · 31/12/2019 18:02

Poor you Op.
I think you need some legal advice asap before even considering mediation. Suggest you cease all discussions until you have taken advice. In the long term your only discussions should be with your ex and not his new partner.
Grey rock until you've had chance to consider - she has massively overreached here.

Ruderidinghood · 31/12/2019 18:08

Yes book mediation, he may not turn up though. You may be better off going straight to a solicitor. Be mindful though that not everyone (ex hub included), is going to do things the same way you do them or want them to do them. This was a huge bone of contention between my ex partner and his ex wife. He was a great dad, however had his own way of doing things. It isn't for you to dictate how anything should be done in someone else's home. If you feel your daughter is in danger of being abused or neglected then that is a different matter, and you should talk to the relevant authorities.

Maybe the new GF shouldn't be as invested but be grateful she gives a shit enough to turn up to a meeting you requested. She absolutely didn't have to.

To be honest, at some point she will most likely be going to her dad's less and less as she gets older and has her own life.

madamandthemartyr · 31/12/2019 18:20

Hmm...no real neglect but she certainly comes home with a knot at the back of Her head where she hasn't had her hair brushed, and is always worn out.

When I mentioned this I was told her finger nails are dirty and that she is tired when she arrives there as well.

I don't want to 'win' but it seems that everything I say becomes a point scoring exercise. Yes I will contact a solicitor ASAP.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 01/01/2020 02:12

What the Hell does this new gf have anything to do with it? It's between you and him!

Mediation is the only way forward. If not, court.

breakfastpizza · 01/01/2020 03:27

What schedule do you want? Go straight to a lawyer and figure out how to get it. Don't engage with him until you do.

He's trying to frame himself as primary carer. This is a huge overstep and you need professional advice on how to protect yourself and your daughter.

RandomMess · 01/01/2020 09:10

Who currently received child benefit?

Who does most of Drs, dentists etc?

Fightingmycorner2019 · 01/01/2020 09:18

Outrageous behaviour on both their parts

You could have
Mediation , as it’s cheaper and easier IF , IF it’s amicable

My advice is to start a diary and get all data and documents together . Get a timeline drafted with key events and dates

I used Beck Fitzgerald , they were pretty female and family law friendly

As others said given you (not unreasonably!) lost temper I strongly advice you take a step back , stop speaking and advice no verbal comms for the meantime and that you are seeking legal advice

Grey rock baby

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