can someone tell me why i do this? it is ruining potential relationships

[user63212]

i've had two serious relationships, no kids. these relationships started at uni and when at work. ive been online dating for 2 years. i am good at dating in the sense that i always hear back from men, i get nervous but rarely show it, i am happy to chat and meet new people. you'd think it would be easy for me to find someone!

i am seemingly incapable of spending more than a dinner with anyone. in the last six months ive been asked to go for a walk and pub lunch, a drive to a local safari, a trip to the cinema with dinner afterwards, a day out at a national park...the list goes on. i cant seem to do it!! i get so awkward and either cancel or make up an excuse. i dont understand why? i really want to be close with someone and i know the way to do that is to spend proper time together but the thought makes me feel so uncomfortable. i am happier when there's a problem i can help with (not a healthy start is it!!) or if there's some sort of challenge in the way. just being present and enjoying a day with someone is overwhelming and feels pressured.

anyone know what's going on with this?!

If you understood that you could leave early if you didnt enjoy the mans company would that make you feel less 'trapped' and pressurised?

I also think a long first date like that is a lot of pressure, or even a 2nd date. So i wouldnt beat yourself up too much.

Can you just do coffee for a first date? Not so much pressure for them or you.

We sometimes try and fix other people when we have stuff we need to fix in our own lives but it’s too difficult so we try and fix something else that will make us feel successful at fixing.

So what could it be that you need to fix in your life that you are putting off? Job, house, hair, putting on or losing weight, is there anything that you could work on as a resolution?

Build up to it. Have the first date. Then when they suggest a walk, zoo, etc explain that you have stuff on later but have an hour for a coffee. Next time, you can do lunch. Next time lunch/dinner then a walk.

Well you answered your own question; you don't go on these dates because you worry about feeling uncomfortable.

Of course hanging out with someone you barely know is uncomfortable! Why would you feel uncomfortable with a stranger ?

You've just got to do it to get over the fear, as with most things

Why would you feel comfortable with a stranger?!* I mean

I sort of get where you are coming from, I used to get really uncomfortable spending lengthy times with men. I felt a bit claustrophobic and wanted to bolt. It was just how I was and it was a type of relationship anxiety and became overwhelmed sometimes. It was based on a bad experience from a past relationship. I now know I have this trait, accept it and when I experience the anxiety I sit with it and know its irrational and it then goes so I can experience the date in the moment. It has taken a while to get to where I am now and am happy to say I am working now towards a new relationship with all these weird feelings in tow that I won't let allow it to be a problem!

I don’t blame you. I would hate a day out with someone I had only just met. Why don’t you build up to that? What are you more comfortable with eg cinema?

Your body is telling you it wants to go slow. So go slow. Turn down long dates and suggest something of short duration.

It's not brain surgery is it?

Is there something holding you back from asking for what you need? You absolutely should not ever do something with a stranger that you dont want to do. Your instincts are there for a reason.

Are you actually attracted to these men? It sounds like you’re giving men a chance just because they are “nice” and suggest another meet.

Are you actually checking in with yourself and thinking “do I fancy these men?” after the first meet or are you just feeling you ought to do things which People In Relationships do.

Obviously there’s variations but from my experience with OD it’s quite common to meet some very nice people who aren’t actually that physically attractive

but who will go to a lot of effort to plan elaborate expeditions and days out in the hope this will “win” the date - not being crude but if I’m not attracted to someone for whatever reason, a day walking around a zoo or going on a country hike isn’t going to change that?

Check into your instincts a bit more. It’s not a case of wanting some bastard bad boy player type who insists on “coming to yours” at the last minute.

but if you’re keen on someone and there is chemistry, a coffee or a drink in a convenient, dull pub is all you need

thanks for the helpful posts.

to be clear, i go on lots of coffee or lunch or dinner dates, sometimes three or four times with one person, then as soon as they want to spend longer with me, i freeze. maybe it is a case of just doing it rather than analysing why.

i really want to settle down and yet there's been SO many men this year who were all decent that i could have made a go at a relationship with...yet here i am on new years eve, sat in on my own, through my own actions.

i do find some attractive, yes. i dont know why i cant progress past that point. it is almost like i force myself to lose interest and move on to the next set of coffee dates, where im comfortable and in control.

im also aware that while it is easy for me to get dates now, the clock is ticking and for obvious reasons it wont always be like this. i just want the hunt to be over. to settle down to a life with someone filled with ups and downs. why cant i do this? i feel so shit tonight.

You're very aware of your own inner processes which is really helpful. It sounds a little like you enjoy the initial stages where you are in the position of power, sort of vetting them and very early stages where you are protected and safe because you aren't that close to each other emotionally.

I'd be interested to know what your early life was like, and your previous experience of relationships. I am a bit like this, for example, but I am still wary after getting my heart broken (almost 10 years ago!) and haven't allowed myself to get truly close to a man I fancy since. I'm getting better but it's taken time, self-compassion and some thought.

So hard to know why this happens, would it be worth exploring in counselling maybe as it is bothering you so much?

I used to hate spending time with men when I was single too. A couple of months after I met dh, he asked if he could take me to Rome. I should’ve been looking forward but was terrified of spending nearly a week with him. I was really shocked when once after a lovely evening there we we were getting ready for bed, he went to the toilet (takes ages) and I found myself willing him to come out and back to me! It was a lovely moment as I realised it was different.

i think basically my childhood was filled with emotional extremes..either lots of love and attention or sudden distance and (emotional) neglect.

i have had therapy and it helps. i dont really have the luxury of time to be self analysing like this. i just want to be in a settled relationship. it is possible i havent met the right one yet, but sadly i think is it more likely that i have let many decent men go because i am reluctant to invest.

ibiza what made you go on the trip if you felt anxious about it? interestingly the current person im dating has asked to go to budapest for 3 nights and i would love to go and have a laugh together there, but the thought panics me too much to do it. ive known him 2 months and weve been on about 15 dates...ive never stayed over but have been to his place to watch a film. i really hate being like this.

rhubarb i do think my approach to relationships is definitely related to my childhood but i dont want to let that define me. when i am in a relationship (the last one was through work so was easy to get to know them with no pressure), i am fine and committed.

with online dating it is starting from scratch and it is entirely focused on fun and it just feels like so much pressure!

It's good you have had some therapy, although maybe you'd benefit from going back if things aren't entirely solved. Personally I prefer to have something else to focus on as well and like to get to know people as friends, dating seems quite intense and like a giant spotlight on me which feels weird and not comfortable (also due to childhood stuff). Maybe joining a few Meetup groups and making friends, seeing if anything develops there would be a less pressured way to meeting someone.

I do sense a lot of urgency in your post, and a lot of the attitude of 'I should be just cracking on with this before my best years are behind me!' But maybe there's no rush.

Sounds like self sabotaging behaviour, maybe due to your attachment style.

You sound like an anxious avoidant, but sadly I am an armchair psychologist! Have a research of attachment styles and Complex Ptsd, ongoing trauma in childhood.

Also check out these relationship videos on YouTube:
Matthew Hussey
Susan Winters
Alex Cormont
Derrick Jaxn

As the old cliche goes..... Feel the fear and do it anyway 🤩