Would this nark you, or am i being silly?

[Softscoop35]

Hey

I can be over sensitive at times, not sure if this is a classic case of this, or this is genuinely shitty.

Back story is ive known this lady for many years, but it wasnt for the last 7 years when we started having children that we would have mummy dates, never on our own always in a group.
I went back to work after maternity and these dates died down until last year.
Without being too outing, i suffer with something that requires treatment to which she has had before and had treatment for. So we can relate.
Because of this, we have become closer in the last year. Regular contact, meeting for cake/coffee on our own once a month or every other month.
Ive had a horrendous year, the worst ive ever had, thats tested my marriage in all sorts of ways, trust, debt, grief... and she has been there throughout it all. By no means do i mean to play this up, we are friends, but she isnt my closest by any means.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, she celebrated her birthday, a whole wkend of it. All different things, meals with family, meals with friends and their partners and meals with just friends... and i havent been invited to any of them.
We share a couple of mutual friends and ive crossed paths with others that attended over the years so its not like i wouldnt know any of them.
2 of the girls that went, have been a bit MIA from the both of us over the past year and yet they were invited.

I dont get it. Im upset i wasnt invited, particularly the meal with just the girlfriends...

Am i being a knob?

My instinct and instant reaction is to back off now, clearly i thought differently to our friendship than she did.

To also point out, as i did question this whilst typing that perhaps im too much for her, as in, a high maintenance friend with too much drama but its her that generally instigates messages asking when to meet for coffee.
Im confused.

Thanks

I'm sorry to hear that OP, you've every right to feel upset about this.

Have you seen her since? Have you seen her to give her a card and present? I'd be tempted to message her and say, I'd love to celebrate your birthday with you, when are you free?!

No, i havent see her since with Xmas etc...

We tend not to buy card/presents for. To be honest, i only ever buy a card for my very closet friend.

I was thinking of mentioning something, but im worried she may say it was organised for her and i end up looking stupid.
My current feeling is to, not ghost her, but just not be available for her anymore, although, i think its a shame.

X

Potential explanations:

• she doesnt like you all that much, although that seems unlikely
• she doesnt like to mix friendship groups and thought that you wouldnt blend well with her other friends
• she prefers you in a 1 to 1 setting
• she sees herself as your rescuer, and you as someone she helps rather than as a friend
• she forgot
• she thought you wouldnt want to come

I think she sees you as her charity case that she bestows her time and help on rather than a friend. I unfortunately have met a couple of people like this. They adopt a pet case for a while and are very friendly etc to the person’s face and then when the person isn’t there, they will talk about her as if she is a child who needs their help and they are such martyrs supporting her. It’s very odd.

@redexpat some good points. One of the women invited who went MIA was my best friend for 18 years. Another was also a friend for 15 years, on and off. So i dont think mixing friendship is the issue.
121 setting, could be. Or maybe im just a glorified mummy friend?
Although, i cant say too much as outing but i did something to help a friends sister out that was poorly, an event and she was the only friend that showed up for support.
She forgot? Yep, i had thought this, and still think this, but think it makes it worse.

@RightEarlobeBreath again, something i thought about but a mother of 3 small children, who runs her own company, very popular, would she have time for a charity case? Im hardly that (not that you are implying i am) i see her once every 4-10 weeks. She is a good person, ive known her 20 years. Could have my blinkers on here but i dont think its that.

I do think red has touched on the friendship groups, or what kind of friend she sees me as. As ive said, i know 50% of the people that attended the meal, 3 of them closely. I supposed we all have friends for different reasons. But i think its a bit harsh not to invite me.

So, going forward, what do i do?
Do i message her? The last message i had was from her telling me to let her know when i was next free for coffee.
I could message her in the new year, on the lines off 'Are you free blah blah hope Xmas and new year was good, looks like you had a lovely bday, where was my invite?' In a jovial sense??

Or drop it and carry on and not mention it...

Or

Drop her

?

I wouldnt do that by text. Too confrontational. Absolutely fine to take that approach in person.

Yeah, its very easy to misinterpret what is meant.

Is your reliance on her as one sided as your post sounds?

Is your post as bitchy as you meant it to be? Justmuddlingalong?

Not bitchy. A straightforward question. I'm asking it to clarify whether the friend is keeping the friendship groups separate as the relationship with the OP sounds more of a supporting one than that of an equal footing. That ok with you, @EKGEMS?