Getting over friendship

[GamineLucy]

Hi, I've changed my username for this post.

I would just like some advice as to how to get over a friendship that kind of fizzled out a while ago. I will try not to drip feed but I also don't want to go into all the details as this is more about how I move on.

Basically was very very close to this lady. She helped me through a very difficult time and I was also there for her for many things. She has been through a lot herself too. We've holidayed together. I would say it was a balanced friendship. She is a very emotional person though and I've seen her have a panic attack and helped her through that.

Two years ago I had a big birthday and she made me an amazing photo album and made me the birthday cake for my party. She then took the birthday cake home with her and her and another friend ate it all! - I'm saying this so you understand she is sometimes strange.

Anyway over the last couple of years, I realised that whilst still being friendly with me, she was also avoiding me. Not really initiating contact, never accepting invites etc. Because we were so close, I asked to meet her and asked her what was happening. She told me she had just been busy and then she made a concerted effort with the friendship. This lasted a few months.

We had it all out a year later and it turns out she was upset because I had got upset when she gave me her honest opinion on a subject I find sensitive. Rather than tell me she was upset/annoyed that I got upset, she decided it was better to distance herself from me. She said she wanted an honest friendship (agree!) so I questioned why she hadn't told me all this when I gave her the opportunity the year before.

Anyway, now we are still friends but not as close. The problem is me: somehow she always makes me feel like I'm not good enough for her, that everything she is doing is much more interesting than what I do. This is probably self-esteem issues on my part but somehow no one else makes me feel like this. This lady is always on social media posting away (I don't do social media), constantly showing me photos of various things that I am supposed to ooo and aaah over. She is also a bit of a show off.

I just don't seem to be able to move on and accept we aren't as close. I get sad. When I see her we often have a great time together but very often I don't enjoy her company because of the showing off. It's normally me imitating things. Some people I know can't stand her but others things she is amazing (she is very charismatic). I sometimes feel she plays games with me as when I distance myself she somehow gets in touch, starts complimenting me on how amazing I am, what a great mum I am and what a special person I am to her. But I know it's all words because she no longer makes the effort that she used to with me.

Sorry this was a bit long. Has anyone been through similar or has advice as to how I can deal with this myself? I still see her regularly at school but I want to stop mourning the friendship we once had and stop feeling sad.
Thank you and happy New Year to you all!

it's normally me initiating* things

Bump

No one with any wise words for me??

Ps happy new Year!!

I think it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship and sometimes you just need to move on. It sounds like you've tried hard to get back to the close friendship you had but it's not working.

I fell out with a friend once and like you I was really hurt and upset. I actually started investing time in other friendships. Funnily enough I did work it out with the original friend, but now also have a lovely network of other friends in my life too. I think it's healthy not to over invest in one person so maybe try to develop other friendships too and see what happens. Maybe you will work things out with this friend but whatever happens, more friends in your life is usually a positive thing

Thank you MakeItRain. I think you are right that it's not a healthy relationship at all. I really do want to move on but I need to stop feeling so sad and stop feeling as though I am not good enough for her.

You are also right that not good to invest to much time in one person. I'm really not!! I have a lovely lovely group of friends and three especially dear friends who are family to me. That's why I can't figure out why I cannot move on from this other lady. I'm wondering if it's because all the other people in my life that I got so close to, we've been friends for years and are still very close. Perhaps I'm finding it hard to accept that some close friendships just don't work out for one reason or another because it's never happened to me before (guess I'm lucky).

I'm glad you worked out things with your friend though. How long was it before you got close again?

A friendship is a relationship and when it dies you do grieve for it

I was ousted from a friendship group a few years ago & it was one of the most painful things that ever happened to me. I wondered what I’d done, why they didn’t like me, why no one said anything instead of just freezing me out

My view of friendships now is that most (not all) are for certain times in your life and they end for lots of reasons

On a practical level I dud have a friend like the one you described. She played games - blowing hot & cold, telling me I was lovejy one day & calling me a bitch the next. In the end I refused to play the game & didbt respond anymore. She really didbt like that but enough! Game playing only works if you play too / don’t play along

I think if she's making you feel bad (whether she means to or not) you need to let it go. I'm similar to you in that I hate the thought that I might have upset someone or that someone doesn't like me, basically I've always been a bit of a people pleaser with friends and family. I've had to learn that I cannot control how others act towards me by trying too hard with them, and if someone is giving off a strong vibe of not wanting my friendship then to leave them to it and spend my time with people who you get a positive response from. Most the time other people's attitude and behaviour is not related to you at all but a result of other things they have going on in their life.
I would stop initiating contact and concentrate on the good friends you have.

Thank you Kit19.

Did you ever find out the real reason you were ousted from the group? Or was there nothing in particular. How long did the grieving process last?

For me one of the hard things is that when we spend time together, we often have so much fun, lots of laughing and she often texts me afterwards to say how much she enjoyed spending time with me. I suppose that's part of the game....

And also hard as lots of people think she is wonderful and when we were close, people used to ask me how I got close to her as she generally keeps people at a distance. So I think I felt like I was something special because I got let in (clearly shouldn't have let my ego get the better of me!!).

Thank you DancingBadger. Sorry I missed your post when I wrote my last one.

Some very wise words. Especially "Most the time other people's attitude and behaviour is not related to you at all but a result of other things they have going on in their life." This really applies to this lady I think.

I will stop initiating contact but we have friends in common so if I'm arranging something for the group, I can't not ask her as it wouldn't be nice of me. Of course it's her choice whether she accepts or not!

I'm fine with all this. It's just the sad feeling I can't shake. And the memories. But as a previous poster said, this was clearly a friendship for a certain time in our lives (perhaps when we were both haven't tough times) and now it's over.

@GamineLucy no plus to add to the head fuck they denied they were doing it - and then ‘accidentally’ leave me out of arrangements for meeting up. It probably took me a good 2/3 years to get over it

And that is definitely part of the game “love bombing” make you feel incredible & then all
Of a sudden yank the rug away!

That's nasty Kit. I really don't understand why people behave like that.

Just googled love bombing!

@Kit19 that sounds horrible, was there a 'queen bee' who was leading the others? If so she probably wanted you ousted as she saw you as a threat, classic narc behaviour but really unpleasant when your on the receiving end

It is really sad to lose a friendship. It was a couple of years before I sorted things out with the friend i fell out with. But it sounds different to your situation because she wasn't messing around with my feelings. It was over something specific that we were able to work out.

The older I get, the more I think friendships can definitely run their course and sometimes it's best not to have certain people in your life.

I think it's ok to feel sad about the loss of your friendship. It will be a bit like grief. The best thing to help you get over it is going to be time

Yes i'm sure time will help MakeItRain.

But things I find hard is that I see this lady around, that we have common friends and that quite a few people think she is so wonderful (which makes me wonder why she is nice to them and not playing games with them - I guess it's my own issues too here. I should be more confident in myself and not allow other people to make me feel I'm not good enough).

And you are right: definitely best not to have her in my life as somehow she always upsets me or makes me lose my "balance"

If you always walk away feeling bad about yourself there are two reasons - one is tht you are not doing with your life what you want and therefore feel bad when you compare to her. Or she could be the kind of person who bigs herself up at others expense, in which case you are better off staying well clear of her, as you will never feel ok around her. I had a friend who I was really close to for a while, but realized in the last year of friendship that I walked away feeling like crap all the time, and realized she was playing games with me to assert her power. Had to break off being friends for my own sanity.

I've thought a lot about what you wrote *LadyLightning.
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I think you are right on both counts.
There are certain areas of my life that I'm not doing what I want. Nothing major and it's more to do with DH than me but I'm slowly making steps to change things. So I think that plays a role as she is pretty sorted on those fronts.

However, I think your second point is the more major one as she is definitely the kind of person who bigs herself up. Classic example recently: spoke to her for 5 mins and she managed to show off the same thing about her child twice in 5 mins and it wasn't that relevant to the conversation (of course I said congratulations as that was the polite thing). Then later on I find out the child of my best friend also has "achieved" the same thing and best friend didn't tell me as she thought it wasn't so important and she is v low key (to be honest the thing was nice but not important so first Friend really was just showing off).

Sometimes I wonder if she is trying to make me feel bad on purpose or whether she is just trying to make herself feel better. In which case I shouldn't take it personally.

I think not taking it personally is the best way really - a lot of people are so busy trying to deal with their own stuff that any interaction with them is about that, rather than you. Take care of yourself.

From the way you describe it now, it does not sound like you always like her? The showing off would annoy me too tbh. Maybe she senses that because you not always all over her when she in that mode?
Rejection ( as you perceive it) is hard, we are tribal beings wired into being liked for our survival?
But step back a minute maybe you making space for people you really like.
Friendships should be easy, people who genuinely like each other spending time and supporting each other?
Make 2020 the decade you make space for people who dont make you have negative feelings. 💐

Thank you LadyLightning. Yes she is someone with a lot of issues who likes to pretend everything she is doing is the best thing. For eg she was having issues sleeping and was up at 5am most mornings at the latest. When I sympathised she told me no, no. I feel great. I love starting my day at that time etc etc. She was v convincing and I I believed her. A year on she told me how she felt so much better that she was now sleeping better as she couldn't handle all the early mornings and how awful it was. She could have just said that at the time instead of pretending everything was so perfect - which is exactly the point that she is trying to make herself feel better. And normally I would be understanding about this and wouldn't care but it's all the other stuff that comes into play.
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MintyPylons*, well yes when I read back this thread it does sound as though I'm not very keen on her!! She never used to be like this. She was always a lot of fun, lots of laughs, a loyal and supportive friend. I always really really enjoyed her company. But the last couple of years she has changed a bit. Or maybe I've seen another side of her. I don't like the showing off and the preachy, snide comments designed to be nice but in reality aren't at all. Or how she always gives the impression that she knows best. Once I told her about a hobby I was doing and she answered "oh that sounds so boring". Ok fine she is entitled to think that but is it nice to tell me that? I was really proud of myself.