Taking DH surname with kids

[Bringiton2019]

Just looking for your thoughts.

I will be taking my DF's surname after we get married, but my DC will keep their Dad's surname.

I am so sick of my ex and the shit he's caused, that I'm more than happy to get rid of his name!!!

How do you explain that to your DC? She'll be 8 nearly 9 when we marry.

I've thought of a double barrel but I just don't want it!

No judging please.

If your DC's father has parental responsibility you won't be able to change her name without his agreement. Also don't try informally to as it could cause issues with exam results later on not being recognised as hers.

Just explain to you DC that until they are 16 they have to go by the names they were given at birth. After that they can change it to whatever name they wish.

I am so sick of my ex and the shit he's caused, that I'm more than happy to get rid of his name

Any chance you could see it as your name and your DCs name now? I think ditching it with such obvious glee might be a bit hurtful to your kids - to you it is the name of your now hated ex, but to them it is their family name.

My partner's father left him and his mother when he was very small. When she remarried, she double barrelled with her new husband and gave that double barrelled name to her subsequent children, so they all had the same name. I've always thought that was very classy of her - otherwise my partner would have grown up feeling "marked out" with his undesirable name.

If his name was good enough to give your kids in the first place , why is it suddenly not good enough now you've got a new relationship?

Does she get on with her father and see him lots?
I’d be very worried she’ll feel like an outsider in your home, especially if you have more children.
Would she want to change her surname too? Could she double barrel her surname?

I don't remember my Mum explaining she was going to take my step-dad's surname, she just did it. However, I do remember being very sure that my surname wouldn't be changing, so she must have reassured me on that point.

I don't think you're asking whether you should change your DC's surname, just how to explain to them that you're changing yours, without them feeling rejected.

I would probably just explain that you only had the surname because you were married to your ex, so now that you aren't, you need to change it. You could explain that you could change it back to your maiden name, or take your DP's surname, and maybe involve your DC in that decision. You can explain that names don't make families (although that does rather beg the question why you're changing yours, then!) and that your DP is joining your family, not the other way around.

Would you have changed your name and that of your children if you hadn't been getting married?

The OP says my DC will keep their Dad's surname so a name change is not on the cards for them.

I kept my married surname for the sake of my daughter when I got divorced. She's now an adult and I have agreed with her that I will be changing my surname in 2020. I asked her if she wanted to change too and she said she would leave hers as is, despite her not having anything to do with her father anymore.

If you hated your ex's name so much you would have changed your surname (back to your own surname) as soon as the divorce went through, and you could also have considered changing your kids' surnames from his to yours.

Personally I think it's a bit ridiculously to keep changing your name based on your relationship status - men never do it - but it's your choice. Just don't change the children's names (my mum took my stepdad's surname, changed my name too, and then divorced him 🙄 I dropped it later but would have kept the surname if it had been my mother's original surname).

I changed my surname when I got divorced, back to my maiden name, and then again when I got re-married. My children from my first marriage have kept their fathers surname and we just had lots of chats about your name being your own and they could change theirs when they are older, or when they get married, or keep their own, whatever they’d like to do.

We also had talks about a name isn’t what makes you family, it is what is in your heart that does that. Having had a subsequent child in my second marriage who has also taken her fathers name, it doesn’t really matter to any of us anymore.

Occasionally I feel a bit, I’m not sure of the right word, not sad, but sometimes it feels a shame to not all have the same name, such as when I see something personalised I want to buy, like ‘The Smith Family’ Because I wouldn’t buy one with my name on because it would exclude my older children, but wouldn’t want both names on there.

Oops just noticed I haven't addressed your issue. Apologies. Can you not explain to your daughter that traditionally surnames change to the groom's surname on marriage and that is why yours will be different to hers? You could also let her know that she has a choice in future to keep her dad's surname if she marries, or take he husband's name or combine both. As long as you make it clear that this isn't a rejection of her and are upfront about it you may head off any problems.

My DC surname will remain the same as Dads, which I don't have a problem with.

For the crap and emotional abuse he's given me since we split them divorced, he's a very hands on Dad.

I just really want her to know that it's not a reflection on her, and the choice to change my name to DP is based on love and with her in it.
Myself and DP will not behaving anymore children (probably too old) and he has 2 aged 18 & 16.

You don't have to explain anything. Kids don't think like adults. She will simply be aware that some adults change their name upon marriageZ. She hasn't read Mumsnet and it's thousands of pages of pish regarding changing kids names every other week depending on relationship status. Despite what you read on here it's really normal for DC to keep their name and mum to change hers. I wouldn't sweat it tbh. Unless she indicates a problem I wouldn't presume her to think anything of it

the choice to change my name to DP is based on love

Or you could tell her you're arbitrarily going along with a weird patriarchal hangover. Honestly, OP, in the nicest possible way, hasn't your experience with your ex-husband, and how eager you are to get rid of his name, taught you anything about what a weird and sexist decision it is to label yourself according to the man you happened to be married to at any one point?

What does your DC want?

My mum married when I was about 10 and they tried to get me to change my name , I didn't want to and i kept my surname I had had since birth.

I think you overthink this (quite a bit). I'm a dual national so was never able to take my exHs surname (it would have created a double identity as my birth country doesn't recognize married names). So my DD and I always had different last names. She's never minded at all and have never had any issues at the airport even though there's no way you can tell from the passports that she's my daughter. I've learned my lesson and gave my son a double barreled surname (more because that's the custom where I'm from and I feel bad that my DD doesn't have my last name). We call our blended household My DHs and my surname. Again my DD who's 9 doesn't mind at all, because above it all she knows she's my DD

the choice to change my name to DP is based on love

I wouldn’t tell your daughter that given you share her name presently.

Personally I’d leave it until she is an adult and then change it. I wouldn’t want to have a different name than my children.

Yeah it doesn't exactly sound great does it.
"I want to share a name with DP because I love him"
Ergo not loving your child as much since you don't care about not sharing a name with them!

You could take this opportunity to go back to your maiden name?

Or the easiest option ' I'm changing my name because that's what most people do on marriage'. You could even use the chance to explain to her how this custom dates back to the time when women were property - first of their father, then of their husband.

My mum sat me down and told me she was changing her name when she married my stepdad, I remember panicking and thinking that meant she was taking my dads name from me.
I cried and she let out a giggle and told me not to worry I’d keep my dads name as long as I wanted and I was relieved and didn’t mind her name change at all.

We still laugh about my reaction today 20 year on.

If its based on love, then why doesn't he change his name to yours?

Oh, I forgot - its "too much hassle" for men to change their names. All that paperwork, getting new cards, etc. And anyway, he has two children and its important for him to have the same name as them. And it would be "confusing" at work if his name suddenly changed. Plus, I expect his name is somehow "better" than yours - either easier to spell or, conversely, more unusual. Plus, he's "traditional" - not really about anything else, but just about this one thing. So however you look at it, there's no way he can change it.

Weird how all these factors never apply to women's names :/

Hilarious.

Women and girls being expecting to give up their surnames left right and centre.

Honouring that wonderful tradition of women being men's property.

How funny that a girl got upset about it.

Cross post