DH’s family

[Robs20]

I need to vent. Should say upfront that I am a) 3 days away from the first anniversary of dd1’s death b) pregnant so very emotional/ irrational!

DH’s family are causing huge arguments between us. I’ve never found it easy seeing them and we always used to argue beforehand. Since dd1’s death, I have been prioritising myself more and focussing on doing things that make me happy. Some of this has been not spending time with people that I find draining. DH thinks this is v selfish.

So...the issues.
His mum, I like a lot. V chatty when we see her. She never asks about us but I think she cares. Relationship with DH is tricky- we have seen her twice this year, at dd1’s funeral, and when we took her out for bday lunch. She has not responded to messages since September, including on dd1’s birthday or on Christmas Day. DH feels very let down that she isn’t supporting him. He doesn’t want to discuss with me and wants to come to his own decision about what to do next.

His dad. He gets on with and we have seen 3-4 times this year. He has made 2 comments that have upset me on the last few visits (that we are genetically incompatible as a couple - dd1 had a rare genetic condition/ and jokes about defibrillators- drs attempted to save dd with cpr/ defib at the end of her life). I have asked DH to speak to his dad and be more sensitive but he won’t. He doesn’t want to upset him. We were supposed to see him today and I am sitting at home in tears following a huge argument about this with DH - I feel like he isn’t putting our happiness/ my mental health first. He claims I would rather he doesn’t see his family at all and am trying to drive a wedge.

Any advice? Happy to be told I am being over emotional/ unreasonable and need to get on with these things for DH’s sake. None of his family know I am pregnant and I would like to repair the relationships so we they can be involved in the babies lives....

I presume the joke about defibrillators was nothing to do with what happened to your daughter? Just an unthinking bit of tactlessness?

To be honest, I'm not seeing what's so bad about either of them that you think that not seeing DH's dad today is reasonable. You certainly shouldn't be expecting DH to choose between his dad and you, based on what you've told us.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and understand that you're emotional at the moment. But I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you have to look at this from your husbands point of view as well. He's lost a child and probably now feels like he's being made to lose his parents. Although I really think they should of been more supportive and insensitive.

Hope you've had good support from your side of the family x

Ok.....maybe I am being unreasonable. Sometimes it helps to hear it from strangers so thank you.

I’m not expecting him to choose between me and them at all. I would like him to speak to his dad about the comments (and not make a big deal of it, I’m sure it was thoughtless rather than intentionally hurtful).

My family have been better (although no one is perfect!). If they say something hurtful I can discuss it with them/ explain how it has made me feel. I think that is the issue on his side.

I’m so sorry about your DD. I lost my son at this time of year and I would say that grief and bereavement at this time of year make everything more sensitive and difficult and heightened. You’ve probably got PTSD and will be triggered constantly. Plus you’ve got pregnancy hormones. My advice is try to let all of this stuff wash over you. The most important thing is a calm stress free pregnancy. Don’t engage with anyone who triggers you. Come off all social media. Go find some self care that helps. Yoga, swimming...find a good bereavement counselling. Try not to lash out. It’s hard but losing a child makes everything hard. Life is never normal again and most of these people just won’t get it. Ever. Self care needs to be your priority right now plus forgiveness towards others x

I am so very sorry to read about your daughter's death nearly a year ago .

It seems that there were problems with this relationship between you people and his parents before she died and now your daughter's death has further shone a spotlight on this issue.

Why do you like his mother though, is it merely because she is chatty or because she is your DHs mother and you feel you should get along with such a person?. She sounds immensely dislikeable as does her husband (are they still together?). Would you have tolerated this behaviour from a friend?. Probably not so what does that suggest to you?.

Your H was raised by them and it sounds like he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re them too hence he not wanting to upset his father in particular. However, he is not too worried about your own emotional state and them upsetting you. His own inertia when it comes to his parents stymies him as well as hurts him and in turn you. Is he still wanting their approval or something; what is he still looking for from them?. He is unlikely to get what he seeks from them.

Neither his parents here have covered themselves in glory here even before your daughter died and their actions since are not good either. And goodness alone knows why his dad made such comments, there is really no excuse that can be made for him here. This was his granddaughter after all he was talking about.

And why do you feel you need to repair this relationship rather than say them or for that matter your H?. Repairing relationships is a two way process and you absolutely cannot do that on your own. It will need for his parents to be absolutely involved in the process and they do not appear to be great role models of grandparents. Have either apologised or even accepted any responsibility for their actions, it does not look like it. Your H may want to continue to have a relationship of sorts with both parents but it does not automatically follow that you or any children have to do the same.

Your H has already stated he will not speak to his dad about the comments he made out of not wanting to upset him. Do not minimise your feelings here (re not wanting to make a big deal of it, thinking his comments were merely thoughtless rather than intentionally hurtful). I would also think no-one else like friends and your family have talked about your deceased daughter like his dad did.

I would consider speaking to a CRUSE bereavement counsellor particularly if you do not already do this. Did the hospital give you details of counselling services?

No fucks given if what FIL said was thoughtless. I'd have ripped his fucking lungs through his nose.

People grieve differently. You. Your DH. Your MIL. Perhaps her way of coping is to retreat and not talk about your DD for fear of hurting you/DH.

I'm sorry you lost your baby one. Both of you. What you're asking is not unreasonable. At all. His reaction is seemingly to lessen more perceived hurt.

Just try and love each other through it and the next time someone says something hurtful, deliberately or carelessly, call them on it quietly. You're well within your rights to not tolerate it.

Probably don't do the lung thing. Not conducive to great family relationships going forward.

@plumpmom thank you, that is all good advice. I have just deleted instagram to start a social media break, and I’m eating biscuits for lunch (because I want to :)). I have weekly counselling with a lovely therapist. She has encouraged staying away from triggering people/ situations and having these upfront discussions with his dad. I’m so sorry to hear about your son.

@attilathemeerkat yes the problems were there well before. In answer to your questions

• they are separated not together. Dad has another partner and 2 other children
• not sure why I like the mum. I thought her heart was in the right place last year - when we did hear from her she openly expressed emotion (that she loved us, was proud of DH etc) which is not something I’m used to. I also feel sad for her as her life has been difficult (single parent, financial struggles).
• neither of them have apologised and if I’m honest your message really struck a chord with me. They have both been utterly useless this year and last year when dd was in/ out of hospital and it hurts me to see them fail DH so immensely in this time of need. You’re right, I wouldn’t put up with this from a friend.
• not sure why I feel the need to repair - no one else is trying to! I guess I was hoping things could be different with next children and they could be more involved (not sure why...).

There's really no excuse for his dad's comments...none whatsoever.

I'd actually tell your FIL that you find those remarks painful to hear. If he does it after you say that, he's not a person worth being around.

My condolences for your loss.