Are we doomed?

[roobine]

Currently having another argument with DH about his drinking. It's consistently been problematic since the arrival of our baby 5 months ago... he definitely is having problems with some kind of depression but is flat out refusing any kind of help. I've tried to support him as best I can.
He's been drinking / passed out on the sofa all Christmas and I've been looking after DD on my own. It's been really lonely. DD has been sleeping really badly the last week probably due to teething resulting in me having a meltdown the night before last due to complete overwhelm, exhaustion and lack of sleep. Last night he proceeded to go out for 'one' drink with a friend, and returned home several hours later pissed. DD had another bad night and he lay next to me snoring and getting annoyed every time I told him to roll over.
We had an argument about it this morning. This has followed the normal pattern - he feels he can't do anything right, he's really struggling, not coping and tears. The thing is, this morning I just feel angry with him and any compassion is deteriorating. I feel irritated and that I haven't got the energy to deal with how he feels. He's now walking around the house crying.
Is there any coming back from this? He's still refusing help but I don't feel I can support him any more. Can the feelings of compassion return once you start feeling irritated?? Or is this the beginning of the end

You have a baby to look after and your husband is having some kind of unspecified 'depression/breakdown' which requires drinking until he passes out. Sounds like he is checking out from you. I notice that he isn't offering you any help despite your exhaustion.

I am not surprised your compassion is worn out. He is being very selfish to be honest and needs to sort himself out. Either get to the doctors as soon as possible to get treatment or take himself away from you with his problems. You really don't need this. You need help and support with the baby.

Thank you.
I just can't help feeling guilty that I'm effectively checking out from him. But I can't do it any more. There's a part of me that feels like even if he does sort things out I'm not sure that we can recover because I feel so pissed off. But then I think can things 'just get better'. Is 5 months after the birth too early to call it a day? Or am I being stupid??

There is no time limit on this and you are not being unreasonable (stupid's a bit harsh on yourself). I think you may look back on this in the future and see how self-absorbed he is being in 'your' time of need. Babies are a huge upheaval and change in your life. The exhaustion is a killer for new mothers.

Partners do have issues and need help sometimes but there is something a bit wrong in someone behaving as he is and not getting help at such a testing time. It's too much to expect from you and you are the baby's mother not his mother.

I a wondering why this has come out in your husband now. Is there previous issues of 'depression' in him?

There is no form of depression that calls for alcohol.
Is he willing to consult his GP?

No, you and your baby are not doomed. There’s no reason you won’t be fine when you are no longer living with a problem drinker.

You need to stop talking to him about it because it’s not working, is it? You need action . Would he move out or will you and your baby have to leave ?

What’s your housing situation ? What are your plans for childcare when you go back to work after your maternity leave ? Can you bring these forward if you need to?

He's crying because he's in trouble and because he's had alcohol in his system.

He obviously knows his behaviour is hurting you but carries on because he doesn't believe your actual break up with him.

These selfish men will keep in pushing until it's the end, and in the meantime they get away with doing as they wish.

Even if it's over what's the worse that will happen to him? He lives alone, see his dc EOW, gets all the free time, can do as he wishes. Has loads of pretending to be-the victim and gaining attention from people.

Don't feel guilty, your reaction is from his bad action!

Sorry, just to clarify, my question is if the relationship is doomed. I know it'll be hard but me and my baby will be fine whatever happens.
I'm in no doubt that he really is struggling, but for me the deal breaker is that he's refusing help (GP, counselling, anything...). That's where I feel the line is for me. We can't continue like this.
I've no idea what I'll do though... no local family. Childcare will be super expensive. Where do I even start??

He's saying he'll 'sort it' in the new year. But how I don't know...
I agree I need to stop talking about it with him, I think it almost reinforces him not getting outside help

You obviously can't carry on like this op. You've needed support from him all this time, and I understand he can't help being depressed but he's refusing to seek help. Is he working? Does he realise there is a chance of you leaving him if he doesn't get help?

Why is it almost always men who are able to indulge themselves with their various 'issues' when there are kids involved? Because these types know, deep down, that they don't actually have to do any real parenting if they don't want to. They don't actually have to change their life and commit properly to being a father. Why do they know that? Because they have 100% faith that the mother of their child will always pick up the slack.

I'm sorry this is happening OP. He won't 'sort it' in the New Year - he's not trying to sort it now so why would a turn of a year make any difference? And, he's not truly struggling if he is refusing to seek any help, is he? He's indulging himself because he doesn't want to bother with the new responsibilities he's got and he knows he has you to do all that for him.

Sorry, just to clarify, my question is if the relationship is doomed. I know it'll be hard but me and my baby will be fine whatever happens

I’m afraid that you and the baby won’t be fine if you go on living with an addict. They suck up all the available time, money and energy, there will be nothing left for your child.

This should have been such a special Christmas, your first as new parents ( I assume). Was it indeed magical ? No, I thought not. I’m afraid this is the rest of your life, because he won’t seek help.

I’m sorry but you need to prioritise your Dd now.

Even if he seeks help, you know he has to carry on with it for life. He has to actively work on it, He could relapse back, have a issues go out again and get drunk and what you going to do? Spend a few years waiting for him to keep TRYING to get his act together, support him through all the replayed while you solely raise your dc.

Thanks everyone for your replies
@HarrietThePi yes he's working but self employed. I do worry if I leave that his business will go down the pan. He knows that I'm getting to the point of leaving hence all the tears this morning.

@IM0GEN this is it totally and why I feel so irritated. Every day that we carry on I feel that I'm being robbed of all of the enjoyment of the life stages my DD is going through. I don't know that I can come back from that resentment

Thank you everyone. It's really helpful to hear others perspectives as it's helping me to see what I probably already do know deep down.
It's so hard thinking about making the final break. I know that he will probably go very downhill.
But I also know that I absolutely need to prioritise DD. It's all turned out so different to how I'd hoped

His tears are meaningless if not backed up with a strategy for real change.

No doubt he is hoping this will blow over.

I think you have to ask him what his plan is going forward. You need to accept no less than significant change. He has been incredibly selfish and juvenile.

Your priorities are spot on OP so well done for putting the baby first. Babies need attention, love, feeding, warmth, protection to thrive. They have no choice. They are totally dependent and helpless.

Your husband is an adult and choosing to avoid his issues or seek help for himself. It's not your fault or your responsibility even though you may be feeling guilty.

It's so hard thinking about making the final break. I know that he will probably go very downhill

Well that’s good. Because downhill is where his rock bottom is. And he won’t sort out his drinking until he gets there.

Not only is he not doing anything to help himself (which I would find very frustrating even in a friend/acquaintance) it's even more infuriating because not just his happiness is dependent on this, and he isn't doing anything to help himself for you and your DD, either. It's very selfish and self absorbed.

Also, he's actively making himself worse, by drinking too much. I know that people can tend to self-medicate with alcohol if they're not feeling happy, but alcohol is a depressant of course, plus it'll make the next day seem harder work for him to get through, making him feel more burdened. Plus it's having a negative effect on your relationship. Infuriating all round.

I agree with the idea of not letting him talk about it. If he goes off on one whining etc, just say you can't help him, he needs to get professional help (which is true.)

So sorry you have all this to deal with. Hugs xxx