"emotional' affair

[Imfoaming]

new account for reasons that may become clear
have been married 25 years
hubby was married before that, between his divorce and meeting me was just a couple of years
he has always been cagey about previous relationships
he is older than me and is retired
last year I noticed something different about him - seemed preoccupied, very up beat and elated but then sometimes down, he lost weight, took more care over appearance, became quite vain and bizarrely started taking a interest in the sort of stuff our kids (early 20s) are in to such as their music and films etc etc. he was also spending a lot of time alone on the internet, once when we went for the weekend to stay with relatives he panicked half way there (its a couple of hours journey) and said he had forgotten his lap top and he needed it to do some updating with insurance and we turned back to get it. at that point he didn't have a smart phone but then he got one and spends a lot of time on it but gets off it quickly when I come in the room. when all this started he also after years of not really being in to sex, started getting frisky on occasion (he has diabetes and he cant sustain erections).

he has been ill over the Christmas (diabetes) and while he was out of action I have managed with help to get hold of his laptop and got in to his emails. he has been emailing a woman at least every day for a year. the shock. is so overwhelming I can barely think or function. this is the story as far as I can piece together, there are so many I haven't read them all properly but screenshot some, haven't got hold of his phone and doubt I could get in to it
after he and his first wife split up it seems he went out with this woman
the worst part is, these emails are not sexual in any shape or form and neither do they have any plans that I can see to meet up, neither is there anything nasty or derogatory about me, in fact I am barely mentioned. the conversations are mainly about our and her children, the weather and what is in the news. yet the emails, he is so tender and loving to her, almost fatherlike. he does not refer to her by name but calls her the softest most lovely name which I cant say here. there is reference in one of the emails I read about their 'platonic love' which is apparently the 'highest love there is' (according to him). im shattered. I cant stress enough there is nothing sleazy or sexual from what I have seen, but that somehow hurts me more.

scared to confront him as I dont know if I want to hear what he has to say

It's all a bit weird.
But after all the 'signs' you shouldn't really be 'shattered'.
You actually knew about it but were burying your head.
So what now then?
Do you have DC together?
How old are they now?
Do you love him? You don't really mention that.
Do you see yourself with him for the rest of his life?

I think maybe what he means is that he loves her like a sister or something similar, a best friend maybe.
The love I have for my parents and siblings is the 'highest love' there is for sure.

I think you need to sit down and discuss this with him.
See what he has to say.
Ask to see his phone right there and then.
His reaction to that request will tell you all you need to know about it.

@hells. thank you. I had seen the signs but was trying to convince myself it was nothing and even now im trying to convince my self it is nothing. but it feels big. we have kids, all in their early 20s living at home and at uni. I suppose I love him like a brother! I feel this relaitohsip he has is so precious and nothing like we have had. he does tell her in one I have read that 'you are beautiful now as you were 25 years ago'. seen pictures she has sent (not provocative, with her kids) and she is indeed very attractive although she looks a real goody goody
I see myself with him forever. from the emails ive seen thy have no plans to even meet up
I can tell you know he won't let me see the phone. he doesn't talk much and if I tell him ive been snooping (which I have) I have a strong inkling it will be turned on me. dont want to come across as needy dowdy wife (which I am compared to her). since we got married and had kids im twice the size I was. oh yes, he made reference to the fact she has kept herself slim and fit (although I stress again, the pics dont even show cleavage

@hells - what should I think of him loving this ex GF like this though? and doing it on the sly?

It’s the lying that would bother me. No one likes being lied to. I have lots of friendships with men but I don’t hide them from my partner and I wouldn’t be friends with a man who wanted to keep our friendship secret from his wife. Lies are toxic.

@Cards yes, he does have a tendency to tell lies about other things too

Op, whether they are sexual or not he's investing every day of life to write to her and no doubt think about her. That's a lot more than he invests into you. I think you need to write a list of whether this secret platonic (although apparent love) relationship is acceptable to you or not. Then make a decision.

You did also say you haven't read them all; you may have missed vital information and you also mentioned he changed his appearance/ lost weight etc.. so it is possible they have met up at some point.

Well he makes it clear he loves her platonically.
I think you need to take that a face value.
You can tell from the messages they aren't flirting or anything.
I think they loved each other and that loved turned platonic.
I happens a lot.
And they probably value the friendship still and it's 'theirs', if that makes sense.
But.... if you love him in a similar way, i.e. like a brother, do you really want that for next 20 years+???

@olive no I dont think they have met up, the thing is I would be surprised if he had sent pics of himself to her, he may have lost weight but put back on but he has aged a hell of a lot since I met him never mind when she went out with him. particular since he retired he's gone fat and has varicose veins and as I said is impotent due to diabetes. I doubt if she would look at him now. if she saw him which is the only bit of comfort at the moment.

@hells that helps a little, thanks - that people do become friends after having an affair, but its the thing of it being 'theirs' and 'special', exclusive that gets to me. do you think he has been drawn in by this because it gives him some excitement and makes him feel wanted and young? could it be something to do with the fact that when he retired he kind of lost his role in life?

It's his capacity for deceit that would be the most hurtful. If he'd told you about it and been up front and honest you might have been ok with it. In my opinion, if he has to hide it, then it's not ok.... problem is, if you confront him with it, he'll simply say it's a friendship, but if it was a friendship then he had no reason to hide it, and it shouldn't have been impacting your relationship with him.

In your shoes I'd be asking him to leave the house to give you some thinking time. It would be up to him if he wanted to terminate the friendship with her or not. I'd make it clear that even if he did stop contact, you may still not want to be in a relationship with him. A year is a long time to keep a secret like this.

I would imagine that is exactly it.
You lose who YOU are when you are not working.
What is your purpose in life now?
It maybe gives him a bit of purpose.

@TheReef he has always told silly lies even when there wasn't any need to, he is definitely avoidant, he won't leave the house

@hells do you think some of it is my doing? I would go to marriage counselling but theres no way he would, I dont even think if I confronted him with this he would talk about it. its made me feel not good enough though

do you all think he isn't attracted to her any more?

How would he feel if you were doing this?

Would it still be platonic if he could perform or was confident sexually?

I think this has crossed a line that would be even more distant should he have been able to.

I'd be putting fear of god into him and telling him he's having an emotional affair and the lies mean you need time to think about your future together. Even if he refuses to leave the house is still ask him to and if he doesn't then he needs to move into the spare room.

@TheReef im scared separate beds would drive him more to her?

does anyone else have experience of partner who cant maintain erection due to diabetes?

TheReef im scared separate beds would drive him more to her?

So you really want to be with someone who would rather speak to another woman behind your back rather than deal with issues in his marriage. Tbh if it did drive him more to her, he's not the type of man I'd want to be with.

I know the thought of being alone is really scary, but what's worse, being with someone who puts another woman over his wife and kids, or being alone?

Please consider the advice that The Reef is giving you. I posted a dilemma today that was rooted in something that was on the surface was ‘platonic’ but actually was not. I used to concentrate on the fact that the OW was not sexual , flirting etc. However, what was going on (they were meeting up and going out as if they were a couple) was at the expense of what he invested in our relationship. Like you, this was secretive behaviour, peppered with lies and omissions - that he said that there was nothing physical between them really wasn’t the issue. To be honest the pain, hurt, and humiliation that I felt after finding out the truth (like you I had suspicions) couldnt have been increased by any sexual activity. The fact was that he enjoyed her conversations and company more than he did mine. And like your husband, he wouldn’t let me go. But now I have decided to leave - I am no longer bothered if he was to meet up with her nowadays ( even though he doesn’t). That might sound good from his point of view, but actually is was the kiss of death from my perspective because it meant that I no longer cared. Time will tell - whatever you chose to do

I have experienced a lot of men who have erectile dysfunction. I like to think it's just bad luck! Maybe a lot of women experience men like it and just don't talk about it.

Viagra helps some men, and once they've seen a urologist, if Viagra or similar meds don't work, they can be prescribed a pump. Or maybe you could try buying one. The cheaper ones probably aren't very good. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/penis-extenders-enlargers/penis-pumps/

One thing that can be nice if the bloke is willing to use it (which they should be for you) is a vibrating hollow strap on. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/strap-ons/hollow-strap-ons/ You get all the sensation of nuormal sex and more, and because it vibrates it also feels nice for the man. Hope this helps xx

It doesn't sound like you particularly fancy him, anyway. An age gap can become more of an issue at various times- if the person has aged considerably physically, or wants different things from life. It might be time to move on. His passion for this woman is a bit cringey as it's probably not reciprocated, or at least, as you said, wouldn't be if she saw him.

thanks everyone