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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ending a relationship

20 replies

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 10:46

Hi all. Hope you had a good Christmas. So, I need to end a relationship. I'm not happy, I haven't been for a while. We have been together just over a year and dont live together, so that's a blessing I suppose as no house to devide. I just dont see a future, I'm starting to dread the nights he comes over and I just want to be on my own. Our kids hate each other. I could go on with a list as long as my arm but the point is I've made my decision. So how do I tell him?! I feel sick at the thought of it. Hes coming over tonight for new years eve, that's bad timing I cant tell him on Nye. I dont think he has any clue that I'm about to end things, which makes it worse. Hes a simple person who just plods along in life not needed much and we have never been all that close, hes not a kissy, cuddly person. So if I've been at all distant he probably wouldnt have noticed. Help. How can I tell him?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2019 10:50

Cancel the New Year’s Eve meet up (stomach bug).
I’d arrange to go and see them alone in their house and just calmly explain that things aren’t working out so you think it’s better to split up. You’re doing the right thing.

Original poster

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 11:02

I cant cancel tonight, he would insist on coming over anyway and doing dinner for the kids if I'm not well. Plus hes paid for most the alcohol and food and has nothing in at his house. Hes been here almost everyday since xmas eve.

OP posts:

rumred · 31/12/2019 11:09

If you can't change tonight then decide in your own mind to enjoy it as far as possible knowing you will end the relationship next time you see him. It's really hard but sounds necessary. I would be honest but kind. Work out the biggest problem and use that. You have as much right as anyone to be happy, if you're not you can change what's not working, for your and your children's sakes.
Good luck, I know how painful it is to be the baddie.

Original poster

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 11:29

Thankyou, I feel horrible! And worried I will bottle out because I dont want to upset him, or cant find the words. Hes a nice person, he hasn't really done anything wrong. Hes just not the one for me, if hed cheated on me or done me wrong in some other way I might find it easier.

OP posts:

Palavah · 31/12/2019 11:47

Why wouldn't you end it today? If you've a load of food/drink he's paid for then take stuff over to him and tell him. If you think he's happy don't let him go through a NYE planning a future with you.

cakeandchampagne · 31/12/2019 11:52

Drop off all the food & drinks he’s paid for.
Cancel NYE & briefly, politely end the relationship.
He doesn’t get to “insist” on anything in your home.

TwentyViginti · 31/12/2019 11:53

So rather than upset him, you'll plod along in misery for years? Why is his happiness more important than yours?

Think of it as freeing you both to find more suitable partners.

littlebirdieblue · 31/12/2019 12:19

Please cancel and tell him today, it's horribly unfair to let him start the new year thinking you are committed to each other. It will be worse for him to find out after.

MissSmiley · 31/12/2019 14:56

I'd wait until after nye and then tell him

I ended my 14 month relationship two days ago because we can't be together because of children, there's no future unless I'm prepared to wait 5 years, only difference being we adore each other, very sad but we're still friends

Original poster

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 15:40

I cant tell him today, it's not practical. I've got his daughter here as well as my own 2 daughters and my 2 older sons are coming over later with their girlfriends. Hes out with his brother and dad at the moment (nye tradition) he would have had a couple of drinks and cant drive so hes got to stop at mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 15:45

The kids are already driving me insane, his and mine just cant get on. They argue constantly over absolutely everything. Its draining, and I feel constantly on edge waiting for the next meltdown off one of them. I've tried everything to help them get along but nothing works. I cant wait for it to just be me and my kids again. That sounds horrible but I cant cope with the stress of it anymore

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 31/12/2019 15:46

Put them in a taxi home then.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 31/12/2019 15:52

Put the kids in a taxi home, cancel tonight and end it.

been here almost every day since Xmas eve

There'll never be a good time, and he might even do something stupid tonight like propose or suggest moving in with you or something...

Original poster

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 16:02

Oh good god I bloody hope not!!!

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 31/12/2019 16:02

If you have made up your mind there doesn't seem any point in trying to put a brave face on it all evening. As @CoffeeCoinneseur says cancel the evening and send his kids home in a taxi. Making an excuse about the kids playing up, you want some space and that you need to have a serious talk to him tomorrow about it could be a good lead up.

I do think it's kinder to just get on with it than put it off. There isn't a good time to deliver bad news especially if the other person doesn't want to hear it. Good luck.

Original poster

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 16:56

It just seems so harsh to do it new years eve and I feel terrible! Hes on his way now so I will see how the evening plays out

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Original poster

Kat787 · 31/12/2019 16:57

Thank you everyone for your advice, I have no one i can talk to about this

OP posts:

IM0GEN · 31/12/2019 17:51

I notice that he and his dad are out drinking while you stay at home to watch his kids fighting your kids . And presumably cook the dinner.

That sounds like a fun NYE for you.

Original poster

Kat787 · 01/01/2020 13:29

Happy new year everyone!
Well I didnt do it. Had a full house, everyone in a good mood and I couldn't ruin it. Our kids were fighting and usual, and when it stuck midnight we dodnt even say happy new year to each other. I'm thinking maybe hes thinking of ending things too. Hes not a kissy cuddly person anyway but I'm thinking even hes being a bit distant. Dunno, maybe I'm imagining it.

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Original poster

Kat787 · 01/01/2020 19:02

The kids have been very demanding all day, arguing with each other. Had a few visitors throughout the day too. And to be honest its always like this. He gone home now, a bit earlier than he normally would.i think I'm going to have to do this through text! It's a coward way out but I see no other way, there is always a child looming and listening

OP posts:

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