My side of the story

[Nearlytherenow123]

Ex has created a narrative where I'm the bad one, I'm the bitch that screwed up the happy ever after and I've let him. I know, stupid right!

It's 2 years since we split and a hell of a lot has gone on since, but he still maintains I'm the bad one in all of this.

My marriage ended the day he hit me with a remote control around the head, he thought I was asleep and tried to pass it off as he'd dropped it - for context I was already awake, and know full well he purposely hit me with said remote. That was it for me, told him from day 1, it was a deal breaker, he ever even so much as raised a hand to me and I'd be gone.
So I ended the marriage there and then, as in told him it was over and why.

He didn't have anywhere to retreat to, so we stayed in the same home, even tried to get through Christmas with the whole family, all the while knowing we were over and it was all a sham.

He tried to make the effort, don't get me wrong, saying the right things, doing the right things, but then I found a notification on his phone that his online dating profile had been viewed - notification on his phone left out for all to see (this was the night when he'd asked me to 'do it' for old times sake (his words not mine)

I admit, during the time I was talking to someone I thought was just a friend, in the end it led to a relationship, but at that time was just friendship or so I naively thought.

The narrative has been controlled only by exh as I thought that was the way to an easy life.

Would it be so bad for me to tell my side of the story? Would it really be so bad to let those close know what really happened? I feel like I'm being made the scapegoat for the marriage breakdown, when really I had to put up with so much to begin with.

We had already nearly broken because of various things, financial abuse being the main one, with keeping me from my friends and family, a general sense of no worth and it goes on and on as so many of you know.

I appreciate if you've made it this far, I really do I know it's a long one. But my question is, do I tell my side of the story or keep it to myself as I've been doing?

Yes, tell it how it was/is. Get it off your chest now and make 2020 a more positive year. Best wishes x

Omg are you me??? Everything, even timings, is the exact same to
Our stories. The only difference being the remote control incident. Yes tell people, you aren't the bad guy he is and let others know

Surely your close friends and family already know?
Any one else, honestly, doesn't matter. The closer you get to the point where other peoples opinions don't matter,the more peaceful you will be. Honest.

See the thing is, I haven't even told my nearest and dearest through shame or fear of repercussions. Nobody really knows what happened. Obviously with bottling up for some time I have minimised things, and told myself to just get on with it - but it's all part of what's making me ill to be honest.

I'm just sitting here being the bad guy, being bad mouthed - but I know in reality I did nothing wrong.

It's so hard - I don't even know where to begin.

I'm so sorry that others have had to go through this x

I would tell it and wish I told mine but I was 18 naive and wanted to get on with life.
The ex was now looking back very weird! He made out once I had broken up with him that I said I was pregnant but aborted the baby my mum and my own friends knew this was utter bollocks but his family still believe it to this day! They're all odd too.
He bad mouthed me to everyone even to my NDN she was a bitch anyway but funnily enough they got chatting after we broke up... .
The thing is only looking back over the last couple of years I realised how controlling he was. He took my laptop to 'update it' but sat there for hours going through all my old MSN conversations from years before even before I got with him... (this was when MSN was a thing)
Thing is I never told anyone and actually starting to think maybe I should.

That's kinda where I'm at! Have kept quiet, not wanting to upset the apple cart if you wish, but now I hear I'm being bad mouthed I want to tell my side, whether its believed or not by others. I very stupidly thought that what happened in the marriage stayed within the marriage. But now it seems the gloves are off and it's for everyone to know about. Just hope he is as prepared to deal with the skeletons in his closest as much as I am. Christ I put up with some shit - but being the good wifey that I was I have kept it to myself until now. His mum keeps asking me for a coffee date, I've been putting it off and putting it off. I don't want to bad mouth him and never have nor ever will to the kids - that's not what I'm about. But adults in their lives, who can influence what the narrative is - that's a different story. I want them to know the truth, as difficult as that is

Tell who you want, but some of them won't believe you, some of them will have already known and you won't get a sense of vindication from it.

None of them will care as much as you do and it will be a bad memory soon, I'd be wary of keeping the chatter going.
If there is any.

It's not even to keep chatter going - I couldn't care less about that. Its the fact that my dc are being fed a narrative that isn't true I guess.
Nobody knows what really happened, only what they've been told by exh - I have been tight-lipped on the whole thing.
I've done my best to skirt around the issue and accusations for the sake of my dc, but now I find they're being filled with lies.
I always thought I'd tell them when they're old enough to know and make their own decisions, but feel like my hand is being forced.
I don't bring up the past or even present with them unless they talk to me about it, in order to try and protect them. But i feel like now, I'm on the back foot and need to try and protect myself as well as the dc. They shouldnt be hearing lies and hearsay about their own mother in my eyes

You framed this whole thread the wrong way if you wanted opinions on telling DC. It's a totally different story telling DC than telling friends. You can tell your friends every gory details and paint your ex as negatively as you want, with DC you need to be careful. If you ruin their opinion of their dad (even with the truth) and it affects their relationship it will come back to bite you in the end, they will blame you (rightly or wrongly, in this case if we take what you say at face value then wrongly) for driving them apart. Ex will almost certainly blame you and if he takes it to court then that's parental alienation.

Now the key point is, that what he is doing is not right. It is also parental alienation and you need to tell him to leave DC out of it, and if he doesn't you'll take it to court as parental alienation. Start lighter and build up to that but essentially you need to make your boundaries clear and make sure he knows you won't tolerate what he's doing.

It might be worth having a discussion with DC, talking in neutral terms about the break up without blaming anyone. I'm not an expert so I don't really know where to draw the line on what to say but I feel like in your position I would say Daddy is still upset and he doesn't mean what he says.

All of this is with the assumption that DC are young, if they're teenagers then it might be worth having a more in depth discussion but still keep it as neutral as possible and avoid blaming the other parent.

DC will appreciate you letting them make up their own minds in the end.

He sounds like my ex h even down to dtd one last time but unfortunately he bad mouths me to our DD. It's nearly 8 years since we split and he still needs to feel an element of control. Tell your side Op if you want to

Don't tell DC anything they don't need to hear,
"Oh Is Daddy telling stories again" with an eye roll and then moving on to something else, that approach would work or if they're old enough "Your dad has a lot of issues with the truth but what went on between me and him is between us".

I always thought I'd tell them when they're old enough to know and make their own decisions, but feel like my hand is being forced
He shouldn't be telling them anything about you or your marriage, it's not fair on them and you have the moral/adulting/parenting high ground so long as you don't join in.
Stick to your original plan and tell them when they're ready.

Your marriage is over, it's done and he was responsible but he's still playing the victim and telling stories about it 2 years later. Let him drown in his lies and choke on his misery while you get on with showing DC how to live a life without that shit..

It's nearly 8 years since we split and he still needs to feel an element of control.
OP he is going to do this forever.
He's not going to stop being an arsehole because your kids know he hit you and was a general shitheap and even if he paints you as a thieving, lunatic whore of babylon for the next ten years you can't stop it, you can only rise above it and pick your battles.
Parenting with a shitheap is a long haul experience. Start ignoring it now rather than later, the relief when you realise you are genuinely not that bothered is immense.

I must have expressed myself wrong in previous posts - I am not in anyway going to tell my dc anything about the breakdown of the marriage until they are a lot older and able to deal with it properly.
I am actually talking about telling my own family first, they must wonder what really happened although I sense they will know most of it already - i suppose I've always kept the fact that he hit me quiet for fear of what my dad would possibly do to him.

I don't know, think I'm just having a serious wobble at the moment with it being new year round the corner and wanting to really start afresh, not drag this about for the next 12 months.

In all honesty, I don't give 2 shits about what he says about me and what he thinks about me, he and I both know exactly what happened to end our marriage and that's never going to change.

I'm sorry that others are going through this, most days I feel like I've got it all under control and am able to take the moral high ground and look the other way - it's just another blip, another bump in the road I guess.

Tell your story.
Don’t let his lies become everyone else’s truth.
Later on when the kids are old enough to
Understand you don’t want them to think this is actually what happened and believe him.

Stop keeping HIS secret.
WTF are you doing that?
There is NOTHING at all to be ashamed of.
YOU did nothing wrong at all.
YOU just had good boundaries.
Be proud that you ended it.
Be proud that you stood your ground.
Be proud that you saw him for what he was.
And now, tell people how great you are.
Now tell people that you are strong and you did the right thing.
Tell YOUR story!
And be very proud when you do so!!!

Tell your side of the story. Definitely.

Oh I see!. In that case I apologise and agree with hellsbells tell your family so you can drag his shady shit into the sunshine and draw a line under it for good.
They likely know you're keeping something quiet, You may well ease their concern by telling them the truth as they could be imagining much worse.

When I split with my exh he told everyone really awful lies about me because he was terrified I'd tell everyone what he'd actually done to me. He's a charming popular man and I never felt like anyone would believe me anyway. So basically I was painted to be the bad person, only one very close family member knows what really happened.

I lost friends and even my close family believed him.

I had therapy and my therapist was great. Told me people like him don't change and he'd do it again to his next partner/partners. To tell people what he'd done and if they didn't believe me they would eventually when he did it again.

I was never brave enough to tell anyone as it's complicated and I didn't want it to get back to our children. I'm still in therapy at times and have ptsd. It's horrible having to see him at family events and act nice.

Low and behold he's done it again and is being prosecuted. Police are now asking me if he's hurt me during our marriage. Lovely lady officer says if I'd spoken up even if it had only ever gone on file it would help to get him prosecuted this time. I wish I'd spoken up and carry the guilt that I've let someone else be hurt in the same way.

He's spreading lies about his latest victim right now and it's exactly like when he did it to me, everyone believes him.

Tell everyone! He is a violent man and they don't change. He will do it again.

Best of luck x

Op i don't know how old your kids are but if there's is ANY chance of needing to take your ex to court in the future about contact with kids etc, be aware that he will probably bare face lie to solicitors and judges also. The more people that know the truth the better really ( not that that would help in court as it wouldn't ) as you don't need the added stress of all the secrecy.

he is a classic abuser, tell everyone.

Tell your friends and family OP, some won't believe you and it will hurt but in the end it's necessary.

I think you do need to approach the break up with DC, if ex is telling them things it's going to mess with them. You just need to be careful and neutral about it.

You 100% need to confront ex about telling DC nasty things too, family court is on your side regarding parental alienation (as a last resort) so you can feel justified in telling him he needs to stop and get over it. He can tell his friends and family whatever he wants, but DC don't need to be brought in to the mind games.

I know it's not quite the point of the thread but it's the most important thing I took from it. You're a grown up and this sucks but you can look out for yourself, DC are too young and don't really know what's happening.