Advise about potential abuse

[Danny246]

Hi,
Im reaching out to get advise on what is considered normal in terms of outbursts or when it is simply an abusive relationship.

I'm with my gf 5 years and recently broke up as there was a long period (3 or 4 months) of frequent major tantrums and where she was making selfish demands even though I give her everything/ put her needs 1st so there is no fight.

Our relationship is normally great, we're super close, have lots in common, but when we have decisions to make as a couple (things to buy, to organise) or a challenge to work together on, she generally get really worked up, screaming, crying, slamming doors, etc. which i find very intimating and not acceptable (she's 36), as there is no disagreement, it's just her way of coping (or not coping) with relatively minor challenges, by going into attack mode.

We've been to counselling, I've tried to help in any way, asked how she feels, explained how it makes me feel, etc.. but the msg doesn't go through. I know having kids requires serious teamwork so that's way I had to walk away as I wouldn't put a child into that environment.

Am I being too black n white or harsh? Not to be sexist but I know women can be far more emotional then men (I'm not emotional at all) so is this just emotions I should deal with?

The outcome is I basically can't rely on her or ask for her input on how to tackle problems as it will become a big ordeal so I rush around sorting things out myself for us or her. Am I just more proactive?

She's a very sweet person day to day so it's like 2 different people, very loving then very aggressive.

Thanks!!

she needs to see her gp for her outbursts. how will she look after a child like that?
does she work? how does she manage there?
or does she have her own family? how does she react there?
but it needs to be sorted out before having children.

Run. For. The. Hills.

She's an abusive twat, get rid.

"She's a very sweet person day to day so it's like 2 different people, very loving then very aggressive."

Google the "nice/nasty" cycle of abuse.

Yes she works for a bank and is quite professional. It's only with me and sometimes with her parents where she would throw tantrums as it's behind closed doors. I always want to help her but it can come from a nasty angle, where she aggressively offloads onto the people close to her, instead of being annoyed at the situation n seeking support. Have you seen or heard something similar? We're not married or don't have kids but they are the next steps which I don't think she could handle. She doesn't seem to fully own the behaviour so it's I don't know what to do. Hope for change or accept she's abusive and walk away for good

'Not to be sexist but I know women can be far more emotional then men '

That isn't really so. Women are maybe a little more able to express their emotions than men, due to societal conditioning. Most women don't have tantrums on a regular basis over minor stuff.

She sounds hard work, I would move on to someone less erratic.

Thanks for replies! As I said I don't know how other couples get on in private. If these or 'wobbles' or massive red flags. The more I read and talk to friends it does seem like time to run!

i think its time to run, she will make you ill. thats not normal behaviour, a relationship shouldnt be like this.

I would run in your position but

I think you also need to look at yourself here. 'I am not emotional at all'. You may not express much if any emotion but if you are human then you have emotions.

If you are genuinely not expressing any emotion at all I would also be telling her she needs to get away from you. Humans have emotions. How they express them or don't is a different issue but there is something seriously strange if you have no emotions.

Thanks 'interest...' that makes sense. It generally happens when there is a level of pressure... getting ready to go away, picking a new place to rent, moving....I'm very easy going so I'm ok with any option but it turns into drama. Its hard as we're very happy 90% of the time. It's only 10% bad, but I suppose those times is when I need a true companion, support, etc

Run. A person like this will end up shaking a baby.

Sorry, I feel lots of emotions, love, happiness, fear, sadness...in buckets but I don't express them in a way someone would describe as me "being emotional". I don't lash out and I avoid conflict if I can. That's way I'm trying to judge what abuse is as I grew up in a peaceful family. That is a side point as I should stand up for myself more n be emotional as it were

If she's only with it behind closed doors, she is more than capable of not treating everyone she deals with in this way and she is choosing to abuse you (and her parents by the sound of things).

It sounds like you've tried everything and she doesn't respect you enough to treat you how you deserve.

It's absolutely the right thing to end the relationship. I'm sorry it's come to this after all of the effort you say you've made. I hope you have learned from the experience what you deserve, and what you don't.

Thanks, very good point, there has to be some level of intention/control as she can respect other people in work. I'm only realising now how bad it can be....I should have walked away a few years back really. Big lesson learnt for sure!! Hopefully I'll find someone who will respect me all the time. Your reassurance is greatly appreciated!