Previous abuse is still destroying my life

[Lynneylifts]

I honestly don't know where to start with all this. My head is such a mess. I feel like I need to have everything in my head pulled out and unravelled so please feel free to prompt me for information as I don't know where to start.

I have been separated from my ex-husband for 3 years. I had 7 years of emotional, mental, sexual and financial abuse. I honestly think he's a sociopath. I still have to deal with him because we have children. I don't know who I am anymore. My children are on a supervision order because of the abuse which I welcomed as I thought it would afford me more protection. I confided in the social worker about the things he done to me and instead of him being questioned or investigated they ordered that he should get more contact.

I don't want to hate him. I want to forgive him for the things he done to me so I can get peace in my head. I've had two short relationships since then and both were with men who were even more messed up than me and I tried to help them so as I could bury my own problems in my head.

I physically can't talk now about the things he done to me, the sexual things. Even thinking about them makes me feel sick. I just dont know where to go from here, im sick of feeling like this.

I feel for you. I had a similar relationship but- thankfully- we didn’t have any kids so it was easier to break away. That said, it’s been 14yrs now and I would say it’s only in the last 5 that I’ve become absolutely alright. I had a lot of therapy and some hypnotherapy too. I can recommend both. It does improve but it takes a long time. I am now married to a kind and normal man who’s everything my ex wasn’t.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Are you going to speak to a councillor. They don’t make you talk about anything you don’t want to but it really helped me sort my head out x

I’ve been where you are OP, I think my ex is likely a narcissist or maybe a sociopath, his self-loathing leads me to believe it’s the former. I sustained many years of abuse, both physical and mental which has caused me to suffer with PTSD.

I’m so sorry that social services haven’t protected your children better, the system is so utterly flawed. I have a child with my ex and he uses her as a weapon.

Having a relationship post split has been very difficult for me. I find it very hard to trust people these days. Have you tried therapy? It is helping me to develop better coping mechanisms when I am triggered.

Thank you for replying so quickly.

I think I need to go to therapy and I need to open up about what he done to me but I physically can't speak the words, it's like a noose round my neck.

I try to be a good person, I think I'm kind and generous and people can talk to me so easily about their problems but I can't seem to deal with mine. To the outside world I've done ok for myself since I left him. I've got a nice house, I set up my own business, I'm a competitive bodybuilder (this came about because I spent years listening to how fat and ugly I was) but inside I'm broken. I've accepted I'll never get any acknowledgement or apology from him for anything. I just feel like a shell. I'm completely vulnerable and am so scared someone else does the same things to me