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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to tell the difference

17 replies

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 19:46

Between lovebombing and just being a caring and giving person, in the very beginning of dating or a relationship?

My own DPs met and married within six weeks, and are happily married 45 years on. Plus I've experienced EA in the past, so I'm feeling my perspective on this may be a bit skewed.

OP posts:

Original poster

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 19:51

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RLEOM · 30/12/2019 19:53

Your parents are from an older generation, it was common to marry early and frowned upon to get divorced or be a single mother - you HAD to make it work.

Lovebombing is where they tell you they love you really early on, they shower you with compliments, talk about your future - it happens pretty quickly. Just play it carefully.

ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 19:53

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Original poster

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 20:04

@ohwheniknow No, I haven't

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Original poster

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 20:06

Lovebombing is where they tell you they love you really early on, they shower you with compliments, talk about your future - it happens pretty quickly. Just play it carefully.

This sounds about right. How early is it too early to say I love you? I haven't had that yet

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Original poster

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 20:08

Your parents are from an older generation, it was common to marry early and frowned upon to get divorced or be a single mother - you HAD to make it work.

True. Nonetheless there's a history of divorce on either side of my family, one which goes back a generation before my DPs.

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Original poster

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 20:08

Would a show of nerves around me indicate that love bombing isn't going on?

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Thingsdogetbetter · 30/12/2019 20:26

Lovebombers are Oscar level actors. They know exactly how to hook you:, mirroring, the right words AND the right body language (nervousness, shyness etc). They do what it takes to get you to invest.

You're parents were extremely lucky that that first rush turned into a lifetime love, but don't use that as your template. People did marry faster and younger. It worked for some, not for many. A romanticized idea of knowing a relationship is right and lasting with six weeks is a dangerous idea.

Caring and giving is not romantic declarations of love and lots of ott compliments - it's turning up for dates on time, remembering things you've said, asking about your life, being interested in you as a person etc etc.

Original poster

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 20:39

Caring and giving is not romantic declarations of love and lots of ott compliments - it's turning up for dates on time, remembering things you've said, asking about your life, being interested in you as a person etc etc.

I'll be looking for these things. I hope he hasn't 'hooked me in' because I do have feelings.

Wrt suspecting nervousness as being a tactic of oscar winning proportions, would that not just be a tad bit paranoid. It could be genuine.

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AloneLonelyLoner · 30/12/2019 23:02

In my experience, it's almost impossible to tell the difference between lovebombing and meeting a genuinely lovely and caring person who is genuinely in love with you.

I can't differentiate. I have had both.

Original poster

BookFire7 · 30/12/2019 23:16

@AloneLonelyLoner that's what is making it hard for me. I really like him, but I am shit scared of getting hurt.

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AloneLonelyLoner · 31/12/2019 10:35

I would explain that to him, step back a little and see how he responds. If he accepts that, attempts to reassure and do things as you need them I think that's a promising thing.

Once time, I worried about being lovebombed, the man hugged me, reassured me and a few days later I came home from work to find that he had basically refurbished my flat! New furniture everywhere (because I needed it and needed help apparently).Alarm bells rang. I dumped him and left the flat along with all the new furniture he had bought.

Now, don't get me wrong, he wasn't a bad person, just didn't listen to me. Ever. Wanted to be the big man in my life and constantly help.

It was lovebombing of a kind. I've a tonne of examples like this.

AloneLonelyLoner · 31/12/2019 10:37

Sorry didn't finish.

The thing is, it felt slightly off. I think even though it is hard (almost impossible to differentiate), there will be an underlying thing that feels a little off.

The sad thing is I've also fallen for guys that didn't love bomb and were a bit crap. It's hard it really is.
You have to listen to instincts.

Original poster

BookFire7 · 31/12/2019 11:16

@AloneLonelyLoner offering to help, being a tad over generous, that rings true. He also shares a great deal about his life and wants to know a lot about me

It is hard, because this could just be who he is, without any ulterior motive 'to hook me in' and control me. In a sense my last relationship started with love bombing and it turned out to be utter crap, so i have made myself constantly on alert for signs of repetition in my choice of men. But in other ways he seems nothing like previous men i have been with - intelligent, agreeable and funny.

I asked him to back off a bit, and for now I'll be looking to see if words match actions. I wonder at what point, there will be a threshold reached wrt this, if it will become glaringly obvious that it is in fact love bombing.

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AloneLonelyLoner · 31/12/2019 12:31

I hope so. But also it would be a shame to push one of the decent ones away.

We all suffer because of some evil bastards.

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2019 12:52

I've said before on mumsnet that there are two types of people who bond (or rather 'enmesh') quickly - abusers and codependents (or however you prefer to term people without secure boundary function).

Abusers move fast to hook you in and get you addicted before you have chance to notice the red flags of their true self. Codependents fall fast out of trying to source love and approval from outside of themselves - since they do not love and approve of themselves.

To fall fast and hard for someone isn't healthy - it shows an inability to maintain an appropriate distance as you do 'due diligence' on who the person you are dating truly is. Healthy people recognise what they feel as lust and infatuation, and whatever they may feel, they don't drop the L-bomb for a while - after all, what's the rush?

The general advice is that it takes about 90 days to really know someone - how they will act in all sorts of situations, in whatever mood they are in etc. Any earlier than that, and you are falling for that person's 'best representative' (the version of themselves they send on dates, interviews etc), combined with your own dreams and fantasies. whichever one of you is doing it.

It's fine for someone to be loving and giving. but putting another person on a pedestal when you hardly know them is entering into a fantasy relationship rather than a real one.

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2019 12:54

Baggagereclaim.co.uk is a brilliant site for this sort of thing. also melanietoniaevans.com since you have suffered abuse in the past

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