Shared custody chances

[Sweetdeereynolds00]

I’ve never posted anywhere before but I’m a bit of a nervous wreck about this.

To summarise my husband left after he had an affair when our son was 1 and I was 8 weeks pregnant. He didn’t contact me for a month, then began taking our son out for 4-5 hours a week.

He has since stuck with this arrangement but wants us to go out ‘as a family’ so the two children (my son is now 2 1/2 snd my daughter 10 months) have only seen him once a week for a few hours since he left. My daughter doesn’t really know him. He never really bonded with our son as he was having the affair since he was born and wasn’t interested. Now that I need to get the divorce finalised i am concerned he will want to have shared custody. I’m open to him having more time (I want them to have a bond of course) but he lives with his parents in a ‘very depressing’ (his words) house and works shifts.

Considering the children only really know me and have only ever slept here at their home, what would a court decide in this situation?

They won't give him 50/50 but will grant him probably eow access ( rightly so ). I know it must have hurt like hell when he had an affair , how awful for you. But unless you let him take the kids out as a family then they will never get to know him, it's good he wants to do that with them, a lot of men don't want to bother.

Thank you so much. I’m not sure what you mean by eow access? What do you think they would consider in terms of overnight?

Yes, I want the children to know and love their father absolutely. I also want a friendship hopefully for the children’s sake because bitterness and hatred achieves nothing. But I also want stability and routine. I’m happy to have an open door policy for the father but I think one stable home is essential at such a young age with the parent that is present and consistent (whichever parent that may be).

EOW is every other weekend, OP.

However, what your ex is proposing is that all four of you go out 'as a family', is that right? i.e. he doesn't have to be the lead parent, you do. He's never taken his daughter out? Why on earth not?

It doesn't really sound as if he is going to push for shared care . What's his motivation for you all going out 'as a family'? You're about to be divorced. I think it will be less confusing for the children to see him without you, as well as you with him.

Ahhhhh I assume you mean every other weekend. If this was decided I’d be completely on board with it as I want my children to have a father they love and bond with. If I thought this would be the outcome I’d happily sign the divorce papers but I’m so scared that he will try for 50% that I’m even considering taking him back and being miserable myself for the children’s sake.

Just to be clear, I’m not a vindictive mother trying to keep her kids at all costs! I want the best for them.

Is there a reason why the ex would ask for shared care in court when he hasn't asked for that so far?
No court would order you to spend time as a 4 but they may order that his contact increases building up to overnights.

They really aren't likely to award him 50/50 based on the status quo

My ex wanted to go out ‘as a family’ to try and make it work but I’ve found out he is still lying and I have tried to get over the affair but I just can’t. He hasn’t taken the baby because at first (the first few weeks) I didn’t want him too - he didn’t seem to want to either. He has never asked. We have, until now, all gone out together. I’m still happy to go out all of us but now he knows I’m thinking of filing he doesn’t want to. I totally understand and agree with him. He said he’s happy with one day a week for now. On top of this I’ve said he can come see them whenever he wants.

I’m open to different arrangements but I’m not open to 50:50. I’ve seen this and I don’t think it’s fair on the children (in the situations I’ve seen - I’m not judging all).

Honestly, if he did ask for 50% I think it would be financially motivated. I had the house (I bought and paid for it) I had the breadwinner job. I’m now part time to care for the children and taken a huge pay cut in the process. He is living with his parents and I feel he is resentful that he pays child maintenance (I’ve asked him to only pay a smaller portion). He doesn’t have much money and I feel he resents giving it to ‘me’.

"I’d happily sign the divorce papers but I’m so scared that he will try for 50% that I’m even considering taking him back and being miserable myself for the children’s sake. "

Well this is silly. If he did ask for it (which sounds very unlikely) you just argue that it wouldn't be in the children's best interests citing his complete lack of interest so far. A couple of hours a week is hardly grade A parenting. A court would likely order ever other weekend and perhaps a night during the week.

I can see why you’d think it’s silly. I’d have thought the same until it happened to me. I always thought ‘cheat and you’re out’. Children in the mix is a WHOLE different ball game. That’s why so many partners stay after cheating - so they don’t have to disrupt life for the children.

OP

I think the strategy of deferring divorce to reduce his chances of shared custody is probably the not the best. There are other factors that raise risks for you as well.

The younger the children are the more unlikely shared custody is.
The shorter the marriage the more unlikely he is to have a claim on the family home. Because even if it is your home bought and paid for, in divorce proceedings it is a marital asset.
The more unstable his lifestyle, no home or partner, the less likely the chances are of him wanting shared custody. You will be surprised how many new partners want to play mummy and daddy until their own comes along.

If you take him back and he repeats his behaviour for a third time, of the above becomes more of a risk.

Go see a solicitor and start proceedings. Take control and take the lead.

Lemon TT thank you. That was very helpful.

I haven’t deferred divorce to lessen his chances of shared custody. It was because when I found out about the affair I was in my first trimester. I was devastated. I wanted to focus on being stable and not emotionally wrecked for the baby. Then the baby came along and with a toddler, it’s been hard emotionally and physically. I’ve cried daily over it, agonised constantly about what I did, whether I’ve become ugly, boring - the mental toll it took was horrendous. It’s 18 months down the road now and it’s only now I feel possibly strong enough to deal with it. It sounds pathetic I know.

He won't go for shared custody. If he works shifts it won't be practical anyway for a start, and if he only sees them for 4-5 hours a week there's no way he will want them half the time. Men like him are too lazy for that. Trust me.

"I can see why you’d think it’s silly. I’d have thought the same until it happened to me. I always thought ‘cheat and you’re out’. Children in the mix is a WHOLE different ball game. That’s why so many partners stay after cheating - so they don’t have to disrupt life for the children."

But you haven't lived together for, what, 18 months? They won't remember what it was like with him at home. Surely taking him back would be more disruptive to them than pushing on with the divorce. That's what I meant by saying it was 'silly'.

He's not going to get 50:50 in a month of Sundays with the lack of effort he's putting in now.

I think you need to speak with a solicitor ASAP. If I am not mistaken the house would be considered a marital asset and you might be required to sell it in order to fund two, smaller properties suitable for both of you to have the children over.

As a general rule of thumb I think babies get a few hours of contact a couple of times a week, building up to longer daytime contact when they stop breastfeeding and to overnights from around 2yo. Even if he wanted 50:50 it would not likely happen for quite a few years yet.

I do think it’s a mistake to delay the divorce, this may give him more rights to, for example, shared financial assets.

Nil.

It sounds as though he's struggling to have them on his own for 4 or 5 hours a week on his own, so it seems unlikely that he'll want them the whole of the weekend eow.
You do need to see a solicitor though and get the divorce underway. Better to sort out his contact now, rather than later. He would always have the option to return to court again at a later date (as do you) to change the arrangements, but it's expensive and many people stick to what was originally agreed.
Has he said why he wants to go out as a family with you? Is this him copping out or does he have a more valid reason?

Thanks guys for your input. As for the house, we bought it three years ago. I put all of the money in but I insisted on joint ownership even though the solicitor suggested otherwise. He has since transferred the legal title into my name and I’ve paid the mortgage. So in a three year marriage, he left after 18 months! I doubt he would try and stake a claim .. then again I didn’t think he’d cheat!

He has never had them on his own together and never had the baby on his own ever. He wanted family days out to try and rebuild the marriage and I went along with it to see if we could, and also so that my son would have days with mum and dad, but I can’t get over the affair.

My exH was given EOW and Wed overnights. This was pretty standard a few years back. It doesn’t sound like he’s even try for 50/50.