Online Dating: AIBU to ask to meet (fairly) quickly?

[Tippletopple]

Single dad, just recently started online dating. I noticed on another thread lots of people suggesting the OP exchange a couple of messages and if the person seemed nice (and normal) then they should go for a quick coffee to see if they have any chemistry.

TBH this would be ideal for me too. I can't tell if I have a "spark" with someone from online chats alone and would far prefer to cut to the chase and find out more about each other face-to-face rather than spend time developing a virtual friendship which may or may not translate into real life.

The only trouble is, I'd heard this was something of a no-go, especially for guys. I've heard women say its too much too soon, appears desperate, that they wouldn't feel comfortable till they've built up a rapport, feel under pressure, etc.

What do you think?

Until I came on here I always thought it was best to chat to each other online for abit, I wouldn’t have wanted to meet up straight away and yes guys asking to meet straight away would have seemed to desperate to me. But it seems I’m in the minority. I would want to talk abit before meeting personally.

Meet ASAP! If you haven't organised a meet within a week delete. Before you meet use WhatsApp and speak on phone.

If they won't give you their number or want to use KIK delete.

An hour in a Costa or a coffee as your first meeting to see if spark is there.

Don't ask out on date at the Costa, I hated it when men did this. Of course I'd say yes to their face!! Then dump by text when I got back.

A lot of OLDs I met had accidentally met married women. It's rife on there.

Never sext, send dick pics or slag your ex and all will be good!!

It's a minefield out there! Good luck!

Sorry didn't read your question properly. No it's not desperate, you don't want to waste your time chatting to someone who is
A) not who they say the are
B) married
C) using you to pass their evenings
D) using you as an ego boost

Honesty don't waste time with these people.

Match, chat, WhatsApp then meet! All within a week!

I would always prefer to meet up quickly. Lots of chat can just lead to unreasonable expectations which may not be met in real life.

Just explain why you want to meet sooner rather than later. If they don't like it that way, they can tell you and you can decide if you'd rather keep chatting or politely wish them all the best.

People's tastes are different. Personally I wouldn't be keen on a Costa as they can be quite noisy and busy. Communicate, explain your choices and ask what the other person would like.

Sadly people who "want to get to know you" before meeting are either newbies or time wasters.

You don't have to put pressure just "Wow it's lovely speaking to you, I'd love to meet you in RL, how about a quick Costa Thursday at 5pm?"

There's no pressure there is there?

There is a sweet spot. Plenty of messaging back and forth (at least 2-3 a day), good chat and things in common, then arrange a date after a week of chatting, have the date within another week. That's ideal for me.
What doesn't work is men asking to meet after 2 messages when we know barely more than each other's names. Especially if they say 'I don't like chatting for ages'. Meeting a man in person takes effort for a busy single mum so I'm only going to do it if I think there is a spark, and if a man says he doesn't enjoy chatting much before meeting then I'm going to stop bothering to message. So that's an instant unmatch for me.
However too much messaging can get boring or overhyped and waiting too long to meet after chatting can make me lose interest.

I much preferred meeting for a quick drink than endless chat over text. As you say, you don’t really know if you have a spark unless you meet.

Don't forget that your aim is not to please everyone, but to find people who are on roughly the same page as you.

Happy medium. 1-2 days chat online before exchanging numbers, another 1-2 days chat on WhatsApp then arrange a coffee / casual date for a few days time.

I am online dating and much prefer to meet quickly. I can’t tell if there’s a spark online and I don’t want to waste each other’s time.

I don’t tend to give my phone number out until after first date though as I am uncomfortable with people having my number who I may never see again. So I tend to match online chat for one evening then try to arrange to meet the same week.
It’s not desperate or full on.
Good luck! I dislike online dating very much so I hope you have more luck

I would rather meet as soon as possible too. You can waste weeks messaging back and forth and then there is no spark in real life. I quick coffee is normally the best option.

Don't forget that your aim is not to please everyone, but to find people who are on roughly the same page as you.

This with bells on!!

Hi OP. My personal cut off time would be two weeks. Meaning that I wouldn't want to be continuing chat online beyond that point, and by that time, a date should really be in the offing.
Two weeks is plenty of time to build a rapport (humour, good chat etc) online, before meeting up to establish if there's any real life chemistry.
Another thing you can do is to organise a phone call, to see how you get on that way (before meeting, obviously!).
Good luck

Tippletopple - I have a thread about this at the moment. Please meet up with them sooner rather than later - ideally within a week/10 days.

I had to wait longer than that due to us both being ill and then childcare issues. In that time, we built up a great online thing which didn't translate to real life, and I ended up feeling very hurt by his subsequent behaviour.

In future, I am going to keep it lighthearted and give nothing away online, in case it comes back to bite me on the arse.

Good luck