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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've told him to leave

16 replies

PeachesMao · 30/12/2019 14:47

Got married just over 3 months ago. Asked him to leave today.

He's a coke addict. Has spent most of our money on it. I can't believe I've been so stupid - I got myself out of an abusive relationship with my dcs father 5 years ago and swore to myself I'd never get involved with someone else again unless I was certain they were a good person. And I really did think he was. So much so I married him. And now it's all gone to shit.

I've given up all my single parent benefits and now I'm in a worse position than I was when I left my ex.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I just feel so terrified for the future and yet numb at the same time.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2019 15:33

Well done on getting him out.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
You've done the hard bit now.
Time to get practical and get all your benefits back.
On Thursday!
You survived an abusive relationship.
You managed before him and you will again.
You are stronger than you think you are!!!

YellowJellyfish · 30/12/2019 16:06

Wow you're amazing!!!

You know your boundaries!!

Yes it will me difficult but you've done it before.

I'm just in awe of you! Although obviously very sad for you too.

Do you have RL friends and family for support?

Brokenflowers · 30/12/2019 16:14

If it makes you feel any better, I just got married too ...and here's where I am www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3781490-New-husbands-sex-addiction

xoxo85 · 30/12/2019 16:14

I'm so sorry for you. You sound incredibly strong. I have suspicions about the same thing with DP. How did you find out??

Original poster
PeachesMao · 30/12/2019 16:43

Wow. I was not expecting so many (and such kind) responses. Seriously trying to hold back the tears here.

I'm too ashamed to tell anyone in RL yet. Everybody adores him. They all saw what I went through with my ex and were so happy that I found someone so seemingly perfect to share my life with. Amazing with my dc etc. His family are amazing and I love them so much too.

He is a beautiful person. But he's broken with this addiction and I can't fix him.

Brokenflowers I am so sorry you are going through similar. It's heart wrenching. I don't really want to give advice when I'm feeling so raw bitter but you can survive without him...we all can. Hugs to you.

xoxo85 I saw a message pop up on his phone from a dealer... can't believe I'm even having to write that sentence. It all came out then. Had suspicions there was something going on for a while wrt to money going missing but he was always able to explain it. I should have trusted my gut! Why are you thinking the same, what signs are you seeing?

Thanks again, to all of you. I don't feel strong right now but I know I'll survive this one too x

OP posts:
CognitiveDissonance · 30/12/2019 17:32

Seriously admire your strength OP Thanks

YellowJellyfish · 30/12/2019 17:53

Please call a RL friend. You have nothing to be ashamed of!!

jamdhanihash · 30/12/2019 17:58

Hugs OP. You've done the right thing. He isn't the beautiful soul you think he is. He's put your money and your hopes and dreams up his nose. He ruined this.

Original poster
PeachesMao · 31/12/2019 01:14

I told my best friend tonight. She was one of my bridesmaids 3 months ago and she held me while I sobbed this evening. And sobbed along with me. Thank you Yellow

jam you put it so well. He's put our future up his nose. It's sickening.

Im all cried out and can't sleep. Life is just so fucking hard sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesMao · 31/12/2019 01:16

I don't feel strong cognitivedissonance (love your name... very apt in this situation)
Im so scared I'll cave and take him back when the anger wears off a bit.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 31/12/2019 01:26

Practically speaking, do you own your house or have any other major assets e.g. pension? Do you expect some sort of inheritance in the future?

Scarsthelot · 31/12/2019 01:32

Its likely you will feel like caving at some point.
.just remind yourself of that line 'he put your future up his nose'.

Remind yourself he is a drug addict. Even when he says he will/has quit. Drug addicts are fantastic liars. He has lied to you for years? Hid this? Let you give up your benefits and any financial security you had? Did that to your children?

Think about all the times he has lied and damaged you and your kids and pur cocaine first.

You dont want a drug addict near your children.

user764329056 · 31/12/2019 01:43

Addicts wring you out and suck you dry while they’re actively addictive, I won’t go into details about me and my ex, a heroin addict, but it was the most harrowing relationship I’ve ever had. Have also used coke myself quite heavily many moons ago and know the damage. As painful and heartbreaking as it feels OP you have done the right thing and I wish you continued strength xx

Original poster
PeachesMao · 31/12/2019 13:09

Thanks all. No I've no assets. One less thing to worry about I suppose.

I don't want a drug addict around my child. And that's the bottom line. He came back today but I told him to leave again. Going out for a walk in the mountains with my dc now. Need to ground myself.

OP posts:
pointythings · 31/12/2019 16:57

You're doing the right thing. Start the divorce immediately - cocaine use is absolutely grounds enough. I'm so sorry he managed to deceive you so thoroughly. Addicts are very, very good at that sort of thing as I have learned to my cost. So don't blame yourself for not seeing it - you couldn't have.

Interestedwoman · 31/12/2019 17:03

So sorry you had to go through this. :( Well done for telling him to leave. No-one needs a druggie, especially around kids. I know it's upsetting, but you've done the right thing. xxx

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