Husband is a mean gossip

[Shushup]

Thinking about how I want to feel and live better going into 2020. There are ongoing problems between DH and I which I see leading to separation eventually. However, for the time being we live together with young DCs.

I love planning for the future and having things to look forward to but DH is only really interested in gossiping about other people. I often get roped in, grateful for a bit of adult conversation after along day with the DCs but I realise how rubbish these conversations make me feel. DHs whole family are gossips- always talking about the neighbours and other family members and prying into other people's business.

One thing that hugely bothers me is how 2 faced DH is- infront of our friends he will be all agreeable and appeasing, then behind closed doors, he is critical of everyone and gossipy. To everyone else, DH is the lovely one- I'm the fiesty truthful one.

I want to live more positively but it's difficult with DHs gossipy ways and I don't want to get roped in to this negativity anymore.

Any tips for living positively (for now) with a mean gossip and not getting roped in to these conversations myself despite craving some adult stimulation?

P.s I'm already aware of my vulnerabilities if we separate, but I do also work part-time. My plan is to increase to fulltime working should we eventually separate which will be relatively well paid in my career.

Don't engage. It takes two to have a conversation so just hmm at him.

It's quite difficult as he only ever wants to discuss other people. I would say this forms 90% of our conversations. He won't discuss finances, doesn't crack jokes, won't share ideas or even plan holidays, he juat switches off unless it's a conversation anout others. It can be quite miserable.

I found it bizarre the first time I met his parents as it's all they did. DH was not like this until we married and as he ages, he is exactly the same as his parents.

Just state you aren't interested in hearsay and gossip?

This is what I will do and he will sulk and complain that I'm being I rude and won't speak to him. It will be extremely difficult for him to stop talking about people. I expect a lot of sulking and silences when I don't engage.

I guess I'm just looking to vocalise my frustrations more than anything.

Let him sulk. Tell him he never engages you and you've had enough of it. Either things change or can go gossip elsewhere.

Defend the person he is gossiping about. It will piss him off but you are really not enjoying the current situation so sod him.

Tell him that it makes you wonder what he says about you behind your back.

My mum can be a bit like this. Very negative about her "friends" new car, plan a for extension, holiday plan, guesses how much money they must have if they "throw it away doing xyz".

I done out but also put a.positive twist into the conversation.

New car shit idea/expensive/too big etc I reply how nice to have new reliable car, or x friend has/looked at one of those they are supposed to be lovely, new cara cheaper to run etc etc

Ridiculouse home improvement...I say, sounds amazing. It will always add value.

Expensive shit holiday idea = lovely they still travel at thier age, How exciting, friend a went there said it was amazing, friend b wants to go there has said the xyz there is supposed to be awesome.

I turn her negative into a positive and yes I can tell it pissed her off because she dies not get my agreement an approval of how shit thier actions/plans are bigot also shuts down the negativity and the disapproving comments are becoming a little less frequent because I'm not playing the same game of negativity bongo with her anymore.

Came to reiterate what @ShristmasChopper is saying. I can't imagine someone being so unreasonable that they would tell you off for trying to put a positive spin on something... He'll hopefully get bored and stfu. 'Elspeth from number 12 was apparently spotted at a dogging site' and you could go 'That's fantastic that she's making the effort to get out and about, what with her ongoing issues with seasonal depression'

I hate people like this. It's the hypocrisy and cowardice that really offends me. I'd be worried that someone so disloyal to friends and acquaintances in general might also trash talk his wife behind her back, to other family perhaps.

I've nothing against criticising people but I don't understand the need to disparage people who have never been bad or unkind. The gossips who do this must be very insecure as well as spiteful.

I think the OP has the right idea: become as independent as possible, don't engage with the gossip.

Have had to say things to a friend with these same tendencies a couple of times.

I just say things like - “I am going to focus on being happy and upbeat in myself, so I am not looking at or observing what other people are doing, not going to be impacted by other people, I am going to ignore them, I am just going to care about being happy and not let other people impact me, not going to engage or talk about it....just be happy in myself”...said with a smile and fake jollity - seems to have got the message across 😂

Just switch off line he does to you.

Or be very blunt and say you don't like gossiping, and if he hasn't got anything good to say about other people, then he shouldn't say anything. He'll sulk but it might be what needs to happen for him to talk about other things.

I would also worry about what he said behind my back if I were in your shoes.

My parents are like this, OP, and it really does make for miserable conversation. My mum in particular notices when another woman has put on even a small amount of weight, and saves it up to tell me when we next speak, even if I don't particularly know who this other person is, much less care about her waistline...

I have tried broaching the subject but it just offends them and they get stroppy about me "having a go" at them, so now I just tend to go blank while they're having one of their rants and wait for them to finish, then start talking about something else. What they've been watching on TV or Netflix recently is a good topic for diverting them, or books and films - anything uncontroversial really. However, I don't live with my parents and I only see them a few times a year, so it's not exactly the same thing. Doesn't your DH have any other interests or hobbies that you can passably talk about?

I've found the best way to shut it down is to defend the person they're talking about, every single time. I always respond by putting the other persons point of view across or by praising them etc. The gossipers soon get bored when they realise you're not interested and they don't get an interested reaction from you

Just to reiterate what others have said - respond but in a positive way. It will drive him wild but he won't be able to criticise you for it, plus there's a tiny possibility you'll be able to change his mind set. A bit like practising gratitude every day. That's something else that might help too, you could suggest it as a new year's resolution. His gossiping perhaps stems from dissatisfaction and envy - practising gratitude may help him to realise the good stuff in his own life?

Just tell him it isn't an attractive quality and it's putting you off sleeping with him..
I once told dh he moaned and was grumpy like his df and it was affecting my sex drive!!
Soon saw great improvement...

Like the idea of putting a positive spin on things! Might even try to turn whatever he's criticising into a spring board for discussing ideas and future plans in our lives... now that would really hack him off 🤣

It’s bizarre that people get bothered about what other people do and it’s often jealousy. Is he quite unfulfilled do you think?

That’s a behaviour that I would find difficult to tolerate, can you ask him why he is so interested in randoms to gossip about?

Very unfulfilled but lacking in motivation to do much about it. Sometimes he is just gossiping about what others are doing and isn't being negative. He is completely absorbed in everyones lives but his own.

Point him in the direction of something like the comment section on the Daily Mail or that Tattle website, and tell him to keep his meanspirited gossiping comments to himself or where they will be in good company.

Hopefully he’ll soon realise how unappealing and small minded it is!

Ooh, which tattle website?! Sounds interesting...

Elspeth from number 12 was apparently spotted at a dogging site' and you could go 'That's fantastic that she's making the effort to get out and about, what with her ongoing issues with seasonal depression this is bloody brilliant 🤣

I have some family a bit like this. I just think it's because they haven't got much going on in their lives so it's something to talk about. It is unpleasant to be around though and I certainly need more interesting conversation from a life partner so I understand your frustration!

Sorry, I don’t want to give them or the Daily Mail any extra traffic . But it’s basically people commenting on famous women, and as you say, lots of the comments do seem to come from jealousy. It’s a bit like all the Meghan Markle threads on here sometimes!

I am so sick the small town I live right now where everyone knows everyone for at least 10+ years if not 50+ years ......
School teachers are ok .
But the sport club some coaches just never give up .... “ what your husband do / from “ same question can be rephrased and rephrased directly/ indirectly for 50 attempts .
Until I give up finally and make up some fake story just to feed them .
And I am sure whole club will know within 24 hours .
in return I will know every other human being s gossip including how slow their children are ( which I find bit disturbing )

I am sure if they have chance they will come to my children : so how is things at home ? What mummt daddy doing ?