Separation after 18 yrs of marriage

[PINKpickle8119]

Childhood sweethearts with 3 DC by the we were 21.

DC's are now growing toward independence.

The cracks in our relationship have now got so big that over Christmas things finally shattered.

We have different interests DH loves the gym and socialising.

I'm solitary and bookish. He also likes a girly girl where as I can take it or leave it, mostly leave it.

Sex life is non-existent.

We talked and it has come to light that I still think of him as a boy and don't take him seriously as a man.

He spends a lot of time distracted by his phone and I feel neglected and unimportant most of the time.

Most of what he does annoys me and I constantly nag him to improve.

What we had feels totally broken and can't be fixed.

We have agreed to give each other space.

Any advice or hope appreciated???

Having different interests is fine and workable OP but not wanting to care for each other and be friends is a whole other thing. It sounds like more of an excuse to be doing your own thing OP.
Marriages and relationships take a lot of work and are not all red roses and sunsets lol. Your kids may becoming independent but a separation will shatter them. If you haven’t really worked at this marriage, and no one is being abused or cheated on here why give up.

Maybe start thinking about what you first liked about each other when you first met and start finding and choosing one another again. It’s worth a shot. if it works you will get to see your kids grow to adults and enjoy things like having grandkids together. Don’t think that it’s easy once you’re separated/divorced. Yes it can work but it won’t be the same. Give your marriage some hard work now and don't give up just yet.

Has he actually left the family home?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would seek legal advice asap if you do want to end the marriage and it sounds like its not been great for years. It is better to have two parents apart than to remain married and together in their own miseries for the sake of the children. It teaches them harmful lessons about relationships and its no legacy to leave them. You cannot rescue and or save a relationship on your own; the other party has to want to be involved and or interested as well.

You have lost connection which can be restored if there is respect, attraction and willingness.

You mention lack of sex, do neither of you want this? Is there any physical affection? I think this is the biggest issue as without sex you are just housemates and you are both still relatively young. If you don't share hobbies you are not even companions.

Was it sigmund Freud who said relationships between someone who continually plays the mother role (you) and someone who acts like a child (DH) won’t work because it’s not normal for a mother (you) to have sex with her son (him). Or something along those lines?

Because he’s a lazy husband or idiot you have to nag him to get things done as though her were a child. It’s difficult to respect him after that. You would have more respect if your relationship was more equal, ie he didn’t need nagged to put a bin out or hoover the carpet or put his dirty clothes in the basket (or whatever you bag him about) as you would feel looked after and cherished. Meanwhile he will be fed up with the nagging. Sounds like he’s not interested in what you want or feel. Or you could have impossibly high standards that are unrealistic.

You’ve been together a long time. Perhaps space will help.

Perhaps you should live as housemates for a month and see how you get along. ie don’t be doing everything for him.

Do you both work? If so, time to make sure you are both doing equal amounts of chores round the house. Sit down and talk about it. He does his own washing and ironing and sandwiches from now on. You do yours. Everything gets out on a Rota so both can see whose day it is to do whatever.

If you don’t work and he does,start thinking about what kind of job you would want if you split up. You will need money to run a flat so you will need to work. Continue to meanwhile do all the housework you would usually do all day working as hard at home as he is at work if you are both currently living equally off his pay, that’s only fair, but come evening you are both finished work for the day remember to share any evening chores like dinner dishes making supper or a cuppa.

If it is going to work you both are going to have to change. He will have to invest more time in you and the relationship and you are going to have to stop being dismissive of him and his likes and dislikes. What are you nagging him about? If it is beyond doing a fair share of the chores then it won't be helping. I certainly wouldn't want to spend time with someone who constantly criticised me and found everything I did annoying.

It sounds to me that you personally don't want to change so I'm not sure there is much hope to be honest.

Thanks everyone for the replies right now mine and DH relationship feels pretty toxic.

Answers to questions;

We both work full time and have a good income. He earns 3x what I do.

He is still here and won't be moving out just yet though it is on the cards as soon as viable.

In terms of sex life I think it is definitely important to him but we have lost all intimacy we don't even hold hands anymore.

He does help around the house although most of mental load of running the house and the kids sits with me ...however I wouldn't describe him as lazy!

My nagging is more about when we go out together and he constantly checks his phone or we come to standstill in the supermarket whiles he answers a text...

Or I feel there is too much to do at home so I forgo my own hobbies but he makes sure his are his priority.

Sorry for long post!!

He think the fault of the breakdown in the relationship is mine because I'm horrible to him see examples above!

Sounds like he isn’t recognising all the extra stuff you do. He probably doesn’t know half of it as you just get on with it!

Again, back to a Rota. Get every annoying little thing on it. Ask him which ones he wants to do. You do the other ones. Make sure the split is equal.

Tell him why you’ve got the Rota, ie that that it would be a help if he did half the wife work (such as quotes for car insurance renewal and all the other paperwork type things) and house work as you have to sacrifice stuff for him and it’s not fair. It’s not conducive to a good relationship or a sexual relationship if you are permanently tired because you are doing too much with no down time.

The mention of the word sex should be enough to make his consider what you are asking. I don’t mean that’s his reward, just addressing the balance of tiredness!

If he won’t do his share time to consider your options. You don’t want to be a bad role model to the children if they see you continually picking up his shit and stopping your hobbies to do his chores while he sits on the phone doing sfa.

he constantly checks his phone or we come to standstill in the supermarket whiles he answers a text

Lots of people do this now and it could just be a bad habit he has fallen into. It is a vicious circle, low connection, more distraction techniques = low connection.

Or I feel there is too much to do at home so I forgo my own hobbies but he makes sure his are his priority

Is the real cause the pressure from life? Does he have a healthier balance than you and would you be happier if you could reduce your workload? Could you work it so that you each have a free day at the weekend (similar to of you were separated, so he had to parent completely).

I really don't advocate divorce ias it isn't an easy road and no guarantee of happiness in the future, especially meeting a suitable partner, when there is no abuse. It feels as if your marriage should be fixable.

Thanks everyone. We are trying to be more tolerant of each other and trying to find each other again ...