Ex friend - Have I done the right thing??

[fairydustandpixies]

I went NC with a woman I'd been very close friends with for 20 years, two and a half years ago. She was a classic narc (I didn't realise for a long time) and an alcoholic.

I don't want to drip feed but she was abusive and controlling. I craved a friend as I'd never had a 'best friend' before so did everything I could to 'keep her'. When my life fell apart two and a half years ago, I realised she was anything but a friend which is when I went NC. I blocked her.

A few days ago, my adult son called me to say he'd received a text from her out of the blue, she told him we'd fallen out a while back (her fault), she thought about me all the time and was I okay. TWO AND A HALF YEARS AFTER NC!! Since then, I've moved away, started a new life and have met genuine friends and have a fantastic social life for the first time ever.

I told my DS to delete and block. But...there are so, SO many things I want to say to her, so many! But that was the right thing to do, wasn't it? It would be so cathartic to 'dictate' a reply back but I've left all that behind me now. If it was an ExP then there would be no question of ignoring but this woman was like a sister to me for two decades.

This has rattled me more than it should, it's brought back feelings and emotions of a horrible time and I just want to phone her and tell her what an utter bitch she was. To ask what the fuck she thinks she's doing messaging my DS after all this time (I've changed my number).

Please talk me down and tell me I've done the right thing?

Ignore her and move on. It's not worth the hassle.

Best not to engage IMHO she will not say that you are right, and she is sorry for her behaviour. I suspect it would just escalate. Some things do not have neat endings unfortunately.

You have done the right thing! Your gut feeling was that your friendship with this woman was no good for you and you have moved on, and are in a better position now.

You're definitely doing the right thing, please don't let him reply at all and get him to block.

I speak from bitter experience - shut the door and lock it and melt the keys down.

Been there and got the badge too. Google hoovering. It's a classic narc move and what she's doing to you.

Do not engage. She'll never hear what you have to say. She'll then cut you off to take back the power and you'll just be so annoyed at yourself that you got sucked in again and she shunned you.

If you have stuff to say, write it all down in a letter and then burn it. Far more fruitful.

Thank you so much, everyone. This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's so bloody hard though - I want to vent and rage at her! Just when she is nothing in my life, not even a fleeting thought, up she pops and churns everything up in my head again!

DS has blocked and ignored. I don't have her number, I'm not on any SM. She doesn't know where I live, or where either of my DS live. So that should be the end of that.

And deep breath and breatheeeeeeeeee..........

@Uptight - great idea about the letter, btw!

If she's in AA she may be trying to contact you to make amends. Doesn't mean you have to respond, just that she may not be trying to pull you back in.

Definitely write/type up a letter and then burn/delete it. I did this when we fell out with sil. It was therapeutic to type it up, call her every name under the sun and point out all the shit things she'd done. I re read it numerous times and then let it go. There would have been no point in the world sending it to her or ever talking to her as she would have twisted it all to make her the victim.

You have definitely done the right thing. Do not allow her back into your life in any way, shape or form.

@That - I supported her through AA and other services years ago but she just couldn't stop drinking and always gave up after a couple of weeks.

@Drum - I've spent the afternoon writing a letter. Goes without saying that I won't send it. But even that has driven me into a fury that I've wasted yet more time on her when she was long gone from my life. (It was an angry letter that just got angrier!!)

Writing has been the cathartic exercise I was looking for, thank you for that suggestion. Now I'm determined to get back to enjoying my new life! DS has confirmed he's blocked her so that should be the last I ever hear from her.

Type a letter to yourself. Or do a video and then delete.

If you did say these things to her, she'd only turn it around to you, and whilst it Might initially feel good to say the things you want to say, in the end it would leave you flat and deflated.

I had a friend like that when I was young, for about three years, quite a bit older than me. I found it very difficult to see how extremely manipulate and dangerous she was and when it did become obvious, didn't want to believe it because she could be so 'nice' a lot of the time. However others could see it, including husband, and looking back she was quite bad - I don't say that lightly, alway prefer to think the best of people. She even set me up in one way and I shudder to think how easily I acquiesced then.

There are no regrets from me about stopping contact with her but I did it gradually so it seemed to just 'fizzle out'. I'm sure she would be able to say to herself that the friendship just faded.

You did the right thing by getting it all down on paper, that is very therapeutic but please don't contact your friend. It's good that your son has blocked her.

She may well be sorry and all that but you have to protect yourself, don't risk getting involved again. Someone like her will have other people around her.

Good luck and chin up.