Feeling lost with H drinking problem

[Reachforthestars123]

My H is getting some therapy for a drinking problem, but has had a few relapses although he never stops drinking completely. It has been going on for many years.

I’m so lost, I don’t know what to do, I can’t seem to forget all the bad things that have happened and how I feel so trapped, although I want to support him, I don’t know how. Has anyone else got through this and come out the other side?

Thanks x

Like many posts of this type it is mainly about the alcoholic.
What about you in all this?. You are important too. Where is your support here, who is supporting you exaxtly?. You've basically been doing your bit here to enable him along with the therapist who is currently helping him as well.

Are you for instance attending Al-anon meetings?. You will meet people just like you there.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of it (your own codependent needs met perhaps) otherwise why have you stayed?. You've likely been doing the same for many years now and the sad fact is that what you have tried to date has not worked and will continue not to work either He does not really want your help or support and you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him, not that he wants your help anyway. Only HE can deal with his drink problem here, you cannot do that for him or at all wish him better. His primary relationship is with drink and remains so. He could quite easily go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

Ultimately you need to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism because you're really as caught up in this as he is. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have completely removed yourself from him. Divorce here is an option you should be looking at.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

I am thinking about getting some help for myself, I’m thinking maybe this will help me be able to support him better and maybe let go of some of the bad memories. He is functioning.

When thing are good they are really good, I let my guard down and then something happens and so it goes round again. I’ve got to the post. Where I just can’t let my guard down anymore and it feels horrible. I was holding out for the good times I suppose.

I also suspect him of a one night stand whilst drunk, I only have a set of suspicious circumstances but I can’t prove anything so haven’t brought it up.

Please go to Al Anon op. You will find help and support there.
Alcoholism is an absolute bugger. The ripples of its destruction go a long way and it’s the nearest and dearest who suffer the most.
There’s nothing you can do about your Dh’s drinking so please find help for yourself.

Your posts are all about how you can help him. What about you? Have you read up on co-dependency at all? You can’t save him only he can decide to stop drinking. I also suggest Al-anon would be useful for you.

Have you got dc?

Do go to Al-anon meetings, as mentioned you will meet ordinary people like you there.

You cannot support him, you have no hopes at all of doing that and besides which he does not want your support or help.

Hope of change is your enemy here. Are you also stuck on the sunken costs fallacy, this basically keeps people in poor relationships for far too long and enables them to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

How much more time and effort are you going to waste on him here?. He may well be functioning (well for now) but for how long?. Why are you seemingly not as important as he is here (hence me mentioning codependency).

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You did not answer that question and that speaks volumes as well.

He says I’m not supportive which I why i thought maybe some help for myself which in turn would help me know how best to support him.

I feel so guilty for wanting to give up on trying.

This is not a court of law so why do you have to prove anything to the effect that you have evidence of a one night stand. You do not need evidence of his alleged one night stand to show him you are unhappy. And besides which his long term alcoholism is more than enough reason to be apart from him now. You have stayed with him until now at least for your own reasons.

Alcoholics all say those words or versions thereof to the people who are also caught up in their alcoholism too. Its all denial, more denial and lies; he is lying to himself as well as you. He does not need you to give up alcohol, he needs you to carry on enabling him to drink and otherwise prop him up. They are also adept at blaming others for their own failings.

Really feel you OP, but I am prepared to step outside the 12 Steps programme. Even though I believe the 12 Steps to be an incredible gift.

His behaviour shows why Total Abstinence is not realistic. Self denial sets one up against one's own brain (aka do not think of a blue balloon).

Google Naltrexone (The Sinclair Method). Persaude him to go and talk to his GP about going on Naltrexone. It is one little pill he takes when he knows he is going to decide to drink.

This way he can drink and stay in control.

In the mean time, go to Al Anon. You will be amazed at how much you change.

I’m not sure what I get out of the relationship. He has told me he wouldn’t have got help if I hadn’t asked him to. Leaving just feels like such a big thing, I have no idea where to start or how to do it. Like I already said, I feel guilty for giving up and I know it’s irrational because of all the years of suffering I have experienced.