How do mothers manage if you have no family to surround your children

[NoFun21]

I lost contact with
My only brother today after he said the unspeakable to me and my elderly parents in an email and left for the USA after a written character assassination of us all. He was my only real family except my elderly parents. I had just hosted Christmas which was a huge effort for me and more of one as he brought a guest. I have two young children one with SN. They now have no one but me and my STabXH who only adds distress to my life and a sense of threat. I will lose my beloved parents soon. I have no one. I feel my little unit is so vulnerable- who is there to care for my children but me?
I’m Struggling with feelings of despair. Is anyone else so alone with their children? How do you cope - add to their lives? I am so sad for us? What do you do to make your little family secure and have a sense of belonging in the world?

Hello, there is a good organisation called Care for the Family...

Also, can you get involved in school community or scouts or church?

Or you sign your kid up to drama school or some such an activity so they can build family there?

I had similar, I became a single parent who had no parents of my own and my exes own extended family showed next to no interest in my DD despite living in the same town. I did have my sister though.

You keep being a steady influence in their lives and build a network of close friends. I have a couple of friends who have always been there for my DD and spent a lot of time with her and cared about what is going on in her life.

You make friends with the elderly ladies over the road, who teach your child to make paper planes. You enrol him into a drama club which becomes an incredible source of friendship and creativity with other young people but adults too who all act together. You find friends in all sorts of places...they may not be best friends but they are the colourful topping to your lives. You tell your child every day three things that have made you smile...saying hello to a cat that purred. A bird balancing on a bush as it tried to eat the berries as it bobbed up and down. The person the shop who opened the door to help you. Then they tell you your three things. Your world is rich...have a good look

What other choice is there?? Give them up?? I am a lone parent as in ex is absent fully. No contact in 3 years. I have 4 children, older two have asd. I have no family apart from my dad who is a wheelchair user so doesn’t help out physically as he couldn’t and my sister who doesn’t help at all as “I chose to have them” you cope because what is the alternative ?? I should also point out ex has no family either (both parents died before I met him) I do worry that my kids have such limited amount of people in their lives.

Lovely ideas here. What about this organisation?
thegreenparent.co.uk/articles/read/granny-wanted

Single mum to DS(21) since I was 5 months pregnant. Zero contact with ex & his family due to violence & abuse. Moved homes twice to evade him. No contact (except Xmas & birthday cards) with my DM. No contact with DF in 30 years. DB lives far away & practically no contact - never been there to support me.

DS was born with disabilities, had loads of surgery, loads of hospital stays, SEN.

It's not ideal, but he has a mum who loves him & keeps him safe. I'm able to have full autonomy over all decisions in our lives (well, until he was old enough!).

People don't have a choice, so they just get on & make the best of it.

I’m Asking because I am In that position and I just feel so sorry for my children . It’s hard for me to take my child to scouts, drama etc as he has autism and doesn’t cope well with these things so we are even more isolated. I have a younger child also who is only 2. We have moved to a new area where we don’t meet many people. It’s very hard also because my son is very controlling so it’s often hard to get him to do simple things and he finds structured activities very difficult. It’s hard to be involved in the school as my son is in an asd unit snd many parents use transport and so are not at the gates so it’s hard. These are not excuses just t he facts I am struggling with. I am thinking of getting a family dog which would get us out walking with it and I love dogs but this would be expensive. I have always struggled myself with friendships so have to go out of my comfort zone. I have made friends with elderly neighbours but my son is hard to take to others homes as he gets very overexcited. Both my children are very desperate for friends and connections and family and certain people in my life have behaved so badly there is nothing I can do .

Is there a support or social group for families living with ASD locally? They were a lifeline for my friend, who was in similar circumstances, as they wholeheartedly accepted her ds and they made brilliant friends.

Better they have a loving, caring and present mum like you than a big extended nightmare family. I understand your longing but reading the threads on here over Christmas could cure your wishes for more family time!

I have left messages with the NAS local branch but they never returned my calls. Will try again.

Friends are the family that you choose.

It's tough, but those who are likely to understand the most are those who are also fairly isolated (geographically or emotionally) from family.

When I needed emergency help (one child being blue lighted to hospital, one at nursery for the next hour, no family within 5 hrs driving even if they could set off straight away), the friend without Mum round the corner was amazing. Those who have on tap childcare relatively easily dont seem to quite get it always.

Stay strong, keep looking for friendship possibilities and love your little family.

You will be okay and you will manage.

I’m a lone Dad, I do have a family, a family that I chose. You don’t have to have people around you who share your DNA. A family is something you make, not something you’re born with. Some are big, some are tiny.

Have you thought about volunteering for the cinnamon trust? That would give you and your children doggy time without having to take on the financial aspects of dog ownership.

Other people really won’t mind if your son struggles in their home, don’t let worries about that isolate you.

Avoid Facebook ! My ex finally left and I am down to two kids , one granny and a couple of aunts

So working to keep
My Local friend networks and stay busy

Honestly it’s OK most of the year . But christmas can be hard

Just remeber for every large extended family there are small one galore like ours

I do try not to think about it, as i can't change it. I have lovely friends and they look out for us and I just crack on with it really, 99% of the time it makes no difference at all.

I am a single parent with two ASD kids too. I have no parents or family and have moved away to a new area so hardly know anyone either.
It’s very hard and very lonely .
I understand how you can’t take your kids to groups/activities etc - I can’t either as they can’t cope with it.
My neighbours don’t like us as my kids shout and argue a lot . I have also, like you contacted the local ASD group but never got replies.
I don’t have a solution . I just take each day at a time and hope maybe one day life will get better .
I feel guilty they don’t have any family but I can’t change that. But kids are resilient and overall they seem ok. I think the problem lies with how I feel more than anything .

Some good advise here. I too had children and no family ( would you believe mibe supported my ex wheb he put me in hospital with his violence then again my dad was the same ) anyways it was v sad and lonely but looking back ( my kids r now 14 and 22) we developed as a strong unit by looking to do things together eg pyjama movie night , cooking together. Campsite holidays , church groups meeting other single parents and the biggest thing i got educated ( take advantage of all single parent courses fees) and got a better job which helped us do more . U will look back and love yr little army

Gingerbread maybe useful to you.

Rather than get a dog, why not ask on a local FB page if anyone local would like a dog walked in the afternoon/after school ?

If you're on FB see if there's a local ASD parents group or a mums meet up group or even a wider national support group for parents of children with ASD might have someone local. Where I live (not UK) there are a several groups on FB for mums /single mums/mums of kids with SEN that provide support and a way to find friendships online and IRL. Of course not every group is good, but I think it's something worth trying.

Thanks everyone for all your kind suggestions. I will look these up. Unfortunately an unknown dog is a bit risky for me as my son is noisy abc unpredictable and have seen some dogs react with interest in a slightly alarmed way abc also wouldn’t want responsibility of losing someone else’s dog if I had to choose between staying with dog and chasing my son ( dog I am considering would be trained to wait or to prevent my son bolting and to be calm around meltdowns). Your replies have made me feel
Less alone though. I bv quu I ah there was a friendship app
For parents with kids with sen for mutual support abd play dates etc.

My two have grandparents along way away and that's it. Their dad's family and him have walked away. In truth they young ladies now, independent, make choices, are happy and well adjusted. We have a lovely relationship that's very relaxed but respectful and they don't take anyone's silly nonsense. They've learnt their own way and aren't affected at all, children need stability and love whether that's from one person or ten