My FWB is amazing in bed and I'm feeling anxious

[ArabellaJane]

Strange post I know but I'm mid 40s, never had an orgasm before with a partner, then met my FWB and he is amazing in bed. But I suddenly feel quite exposed/weak, like someone knows what actually makes me tick. I've always been reserved and private and restrained. Why am I feeling so exposed now? Do I break things off now?

@Kraai i think you are right, equating it with a different kind of relationship which this isn't. He isn't married or in any relationship either. And he isn't so much as teaching me, more trying to figure out what makes me tick and that took about 8 months. It just feels quite scary for me. I'm not used to very much.

I understand - it can make you feel quite vulnerable to have intense sex with someone, especially if you don't have much experience of good sex.

I think you should listen carefully to your feelings of unease - it is easy for us to say "that sounds great! Just go with it" but you are entitled to decide if you don't want to continue sleeping with this guy for any reason at all. And feeling anxious about being increasingly vulnerable and intimate with someone who has stated that they only want a FWB situation is a good reason.

You may decide that you only want that intense sexual connection with someone you are in a committed, romantic relationship with. Or you may decide that that the great sex is worth the risk of emotional hurt if/when it ends. Or you may decide to explore what turns you on, what kinds of touch you enjoy and how your erotic landscape operates by yourself rather than have this all be "discovered" by a partner. Either are perfectly OK choices.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme/done it? I wonder if, if you read up on and learn about abuse such that you can spot the signs, you might be able to relax around him...? Maybe there's an element of "Is he going to become abusive and use his knowledge of me against me?" That could be really empowering for you, because at the first sign of real danger, you can walk away. For now, it doesn't sound like he's given you any signs so enjoy!

The other thing might be for YOU to learn what makes you tick away from him/any other man? That could also be really empowering. Learn about your own sexuality, your likes and dislikes, so that you can be more active in any future relationships, and perhaps feel less "at the mercy" of your partner? Then rather than someone figuring you out and you feeling vulnerable, you can healthily communicate what you want/don't want, and feel strong, empowered and in control.

You deserve a lovely sex life and I hope this FWB treats you with respect and courtesy

@TrueRefuge I've heard about this programme but never done it so will look into it. My FWB is a decent person, it's just I've hidden so much away in my life that by letting someone in sexually, it's almost left me nothing to hide away from. I think I've also subconsciously felt sex is something I shouldn't really enjoy and was a late developer generally. I'm enjoying the experience, just nervous.

OMG! We all want him!!! 😂😂😂

@ArabellaJane do you know how to please yourself? Of course it's not quite the same with someone else, but if you know how to satisfy yourself then you take the pressure off relying on someone else and may find it makes you feel more secure in your own sexuality.

It's quite normal to feel emotionally vulnerable if you have never experienced an orgasm with a partner before. It's a very intimate moment to share.

It sounds like you feel safe with him, so I would continue to enjoy it but keep examining how you feel to make sure are still comfortable.

@SoUnsettled2 😂😂 no you probably wouldn't. Sexwise amazing but emotionally void at times. I guess that's why he makes a great FWB as no chance of getting close. Today had a huge run in with my aggressive ex, told my FWB who sent a sad face emoji but nothing else/no call to check I'm ok.