Support and advice needed, my partner has a serious personality disorder.

[moomie]

Can anyone out there just throw me a few life-lines as to where to turn for help, my partner has been physically and emotionally abusive to me throughout my pregnancy and to date, my little girl is now thirteen months and back in March I finally found the strength to kick him out, I had put his behavior down to a drink problem but now to my horror I am waking up and finally able to see that the problems are much more serious after reading some articles on the net about sociopathic behavoirs I am just so sure that he fits every single aspect of the condition and it has made my blood run cold when I see just how dangerous these men can be, especially towards children, now I know the nature of the beast at least I can start to tackle it evan though I am at an all time low both mentally and physically, where do I begin, if there is anyone out there who has had experience of this and is a survivor then please point me in the right direction as I am very scared and alone right now, I plan to see my GP this week as I have been treated for depression as a result of my partners abuse. Where do I begin ?

You say you've kicked him out: is he now out of your life completely? If not do you think that this is where you might start? Does he know where you are? Any evidence of him hurting your daughter?

What do you need to tackle apart from your depression? I think you cannot change him so save your energy for you and your daughter. Accept what you cannot change.

I am so sorry you are going through this. If alcohol is a factor you could get support from Al-anon , which is for the families of alcoholics. Good luck

Thank you for your thoughts, I have thought about Al anon as a source of help I will check them out this week, the local police and social services are aware of the situation but I have felt very ashamed of my situation and tried to smooth things over, think I have been in a state of denial but now I know I have to start reaching out to these people for the help that is there for my beautiful daughter and I, there has never been any abuse towards my daughter all his anger has been vented towards me and of course he is furious that I have put my foot down on his unacceptable behaviour, so it is a viscious circle of bad feeling on his part. I realise that it may mean me leaving the area I live in and starting a new life, I accept this may well be the case for both our futures, although scary it feels like a place filled with hope.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. You have done something very strong and very positive. How easy would it be for you to move? Friends or family for support?

It will not be an easy move, I am an only child and the rest of our family are a bit dis-jointed and live in Ireland, my elderly Mum lives just minutes from me and she is in the last stages of breast cancer, friends have become cut off because of all the bad feeling with him and the trouble he has made and the lies he has told, etc, etc, I own my own home (small mortgage) and I have a career to return to (my boss has been fantastically supportive) it may mean renting out my house and moving back to Ireland to stay with a first cousin until I get back on my feet, my Mum is fully aware of the situation and my guilt at the pain this is causing her at such a time is sometimes unbearable, but she continues to be my rock and the baby has given her a reason to battle on but she is very frail now and I know we don't have long, but we are grateful for the time we have had and that she got to see the babies first birthday and her first steps ! My career takes me abroad for a few nights at a time so I would need childcare, but as I said my boss had offered me a minimum hours contract maybe away four nights a month max, I am between a rock and a hard place on that because I need to be financially secure to clear off the mess he has left me in otherwise I will lose the house and that is her home/nestegg, there are some really hard choices ahead, but when all is said and done my daughter comes first.

i am so sorry that you are having a hard time it is hard enough having a baby to deal with never mind all the other stuff your going through all i can say is i grew up with my mum being beaten and abused and it affects you so much as the child so please please put your dd first you can be an amazing mum on your own by kicking him out you have already shown how strong you can be just hang in there it will get easier but please dont take him back he will not change xxxxx your in my thoughts x

You do have challenges right now, don't you? Would you be able to continue your career in Ireland?

if you have kicked him out why did you refer to him as your partner in your op?why do you need to move away?is he threatening you?i dont see why you should have to move,can you get an injuction ?

my xh had a personality disorder.however,he fecked off to his mothers a week after i chucked him out and he realised i wasnt going to take him back.i needed alot of support,so i built bridges with the friends i'd lost in the course of the relationship.i had to listen to alot of 'i told you so's' but it didnt matter in the long run.

Yes, I could commute quite easily to London for my career I am really praying that my cousin can help, I am sure that by leaving the area for a period of time will cause him to leave for good as he has no connections here (apart from his loser drinking buds) so I would have the choice to return and not get any hassle and really have that vital clean break to start over.

My brother has narcissistic personality disorder, can't remember the exact name, he has made my life a living hell at certain points - I moved house and cut all connections with everyone I knew so they were not at risk from his threats and violence. It was hard for me to start again with my OH, cannot imagine how it would have been singlehanded.

I hope you can get all the help you need.

I would be tempted to tell SS and police that you underplayed some of the issues and you are concernend that he is a serious threat to your DC. Just incase he goes for access.

Are you local DVU helpful? Do you have a panic link on your phone? My local DVU said they could now get funding for 'panic rooms' strengthened/reinforced room in your house if you are at risk of the violent person breaking in.

I too read through what makes a person a narcissist and recogneised so my OH in so many of the descriptions. I found the scariest thing was realising that I had made so many excuses for him over the years, so when I finally admitted that I had to change ME and not him, it was a bit of a shocker! Concentrate your energies on you and your DD. I don't speak to my OH about anything other than the children, and if he tries to draw me, I tell him I am not interested unless it's about the kids. Its been three months and still really hard, but you've done the most important thing, and thats recognising it.

I am finding all the messages and information and shared experiences very re-assuring I have felt so alone with this up until now, this is a real turning point in my life, thank you all for taking the time to share and care.

good luck...but you sound as if you don't need luck. You sound like you are strong enough to do this.

Go for it!

ah i get it now about the moving away thing

you sound very strong and im sure you will get through this difficult time and emerge even stronger.

all the best for the future x