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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worst Christmas ever

7 replies

HGranger · 29/12/2019 19:12

So I've had the worst Christmas ever. My husband and I have argued non-stop, about everything. Things have been bad for a long time.

I thought this was how it might be, but never thought it would be this bad (my parents argued a lot when I was a kid and were alcoholics, so I know what a shit Christmas looks like!) I can no longer see who is in the wrong. He is so angry all the time.

After a massive row on Christmas Day, where my husband ignored me and was repeatedly rude to me in front of his parents and our daughter, he has admitted he needs help, and has self referred himself. However I did the same last year for PND and anxiety, and know it can take a long time, and just dont know how much longer I can deal with this situation. We have talked and he says that if he is getting help, I should too. This is after having two lots of therapy last year and this year and being on anti-depressants. I feel 100% better, and yet he says that he doesn't see any improvement in me. Something which I find difficult to understand, as I had suicidal thoughts last year, difficulty sleeping and was generally a nervous wreck. I feel I have made huge headway in the last year and am sad he can't see it.

He has admitted he has an anger problem a number time over the course of our 13 year relationship, but always stopped short of actually getting any help. He says he has a problem, but then blames everything on me.

I honestly don't know what to do. I suggested marriage counselling a while ago, which he refused. He is now saying it's a good idea, but I'm not sure if this is the right time now. I dont feel I can talk to my family, as his relationship with them is complicated enough, but desperately want someone to talk to.

OP posts:
WifOfBif · 29/12/2019 19:19

It sounds like individual counselling may help you, not for any of the previous issues you have mentioned but just as a safe space to talk about your marriage and help you figure out what you want to happen next?

HGranger · 29/12/2019 19:21

WifOfBif that's a good suggestion. I hadn't considered it.

OP posts:
WifOfBif · 29/12/2019 19:54

I know when my marriage was in trouble, it really helped me.

Like you, I had had previous counselling for trauma, was on anti depressants and felt 100% better mentally, but I needed some help with that particular situation and it was useful.

Good luck x

HGranger · 29/12/2019 20:08

Do you mind me asking what the outcome your case was, and where did you go to find a counsellor?

OP posts:
WifOfBif · 30/12/2019 18:16

We’re separated, waiting for the house to sell. I found a local private counsellor but I believe you can have individual counselling with relate.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2019 18:19

Do you think his abusive behaviour might have contributed to your mental health?

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 30/12/2019 19:21

I’d second Codename. If he’s very angry throughout your marriage then he is one of your problems. But how brilliant that you’ve done all you did last year. Really, it’s so hard fixing yourself and it sounds like you’re doing it well. I think getting some individual therapy to talk about him would be good for you.

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