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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I deal with my mum making horrible remarks about my partner?

16 replies

roseunicorn45 · 29/12/2019 19:01

Six months pregnant, been with my partner a year (it was unplanned but a welcome surprise and I can’t wait to be a mum). We broke up for two weeks during my pregnancy for mistakes on both sides. My mum now hates me partner. Fair enough. But she is constantly making horrible remarks about him and it makes me feel uncomfortable, and if I do defend him she’ll snap at me.

I earn more than him as he’s in his last year of uni (mature student) but still earns enough to contribute financially. But she will mock him being a student, make comments about me paying for things and if I say we have been out she’ll snap ‘Did he pay?’.

Other examples:

Sonographer accidentally put his name as a woman’s name on scan, my mum said it’s probably because he looks like a lesbian.

She has also said he looks like a lanky rat.

She has said she wishes he wasn’t my baby’s dad, that she hopes the baby is born black (my partner is white, basically saying she hopes it’s not his), that he stinks (he does not, he has great hygiene).

Today I ordered a pizza for my little siblings as I was visiting her (I have my own place) and the delivery guy had the same name as my DP. I joked it would be funny if it was my DP turning up to give me pizza; she said he can stay on the other side of the fence if it was.

We were then talking about pregnancy and I said I’d like to have another child in the future and she said ‘you’ll have to meet someone first’.

I can’t be bothered with these snotty remarks anymore but live close to my mum and I don’t have many friends and my sister lives there currently who I’m very close with.

What can I do without starting an argument?

OP posts:
Lordfrontpaw · 29/12/2019 19:04

I don’t think anything you say will be well received.

Just tell her - this is the father of your child and her grandchild. If she thinks she can continually run him down and see her grandchild, she can crack on.

Tell your sister your door is always open to her. You don’t need negativity and stress in your life.

AllInTheBestPossibleTaste · 29/12/2019 19:04

Totally unacceptable behaviour and I would be telling her if she cannot be civil then you cannot be around her. At the end of the day he is your babies father and she will have to get use to that

Winterdaysarehere · 29/12/2019 19:07

She needs to be less invested in your life. Tell her if he isn't made welcome you won't visit - and mean it.

MrsAgassi · 29/12/2019 19:09

Her behaviour is unacceptable.

Why does she dislike him so much, what was his ‘mistake’ that led to to break up.

If my partner had cheated on me, for example, my mum would probably be rude and unwelcoming even if I forgave him!

lostandconfused2 · 29/12/2019 19:10

I don't really want to go into the breakup but he didn't cheat on me and we were only separated for two weeks @mrsagassi

SimonJT · 29/12/2019 19:11

Not only is what she is saying to you cruel, but a child cannot be brought up around that sort of behaviour. I’m really sorry your mum is doing this to you.

MrsAgassi · 29/12/2019 19:11

Is it because of that she dislikes him or did it start prior to the split?

Saltnpepper5 · 29/12/2019 19:13

Is she jealous of you OP?

lostandconfused2 · 29/12/2019 19:14

Sorry, I've got two accounts, one on my phone one on my laptop because I can't remember the bloody passwords haha. Yes, basically when he split he pretty much blanked me for a week because he needed space. And when I got pregnant he was not happy about the baby and though he said he would support me whatever happened and is now over the moon about having the baby, at first he was terrified and would have wanted me to have got an abortion. My mum now says my partner wanted my baby dead so why should he get to play dad now, and has called him a baby murderer. @MrsAgassi

lostandconfused2 · 29/12/2019 19:15

I don't think she's jealous of me. I think she hates me a lot of the time. She has borderline personality disorder and today she said it's my fault she's mentally ill because it all started when I was born. @Saltnpepper5

JustASmallTownCurl · 29/12/2019 19:17

God she sounds exhausting.

Unless there's a backstory that he did something violent etc against you?

If not then you need a firm conversation with your mum and be prepared to tell her you need (for example) a week's space from her to be calm and not stressed because you're doing the best thing for your baby.

Hopefully some time for you both to think might help her reassess how she is approaching this issue.

Sounds horrible and exhausting for you, sorry OP Thanks

AllInTheBestPossibleTaste · 29/12/2019 19:18

That's an awful thing to say, ok so he didn't take the news well, but that's understandable considering how soon it happened. Is he not allowed a wobble? Some mothers wobble but come round to the idea. Why can't a dad. I'd be saying she's not welcome at all with that attitude. Sorry OP

lostandconfused2 · 29/12/2019 19:19

Oh god no, he is the calmest and most rational person I know and since we've got back together has been totally amazing and loving and I am so glad we gave things another chance. Never been violent or even shouted at me before! He's just an introvert and (I personally think perhaps on the autistic spectrum) and doesn't deal with overwhelming situations very well. @JustASmallTownCurl

JustASmallTownCurl · 29/12/2019 19:19

Cross posted with your different account post there OP. Hmm. Maybe her behaviour is coming from a place of defending you and trying to protect you but whatever her intentions it's driving a wedge between her and you so needs to be addressed.

Saltnpepper5 · 29/12/2019 19:21

Tell her you want some space and you dont appreciate the nasty comments about your partner. Tell her its your choice and your life and that these comments are pushing you away.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 29/12/2019 19:27

She's letting her feelings out far too much OP but I think she's very concerned about you and your relationship.

If one of mine was having a baby with a man who took a break and wanted her to have an abortion, I wouldn't be thrilled either.

I know your thread is about your mother, but you don't say much about your partner and why you want to be with him?

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