Seeking perfection?

[Blinkingecksake]

This isn’t heavy and I know there are people out there with far more serious problems (tho I have them of my own, but with my son not my relationship) but I would genuinely appreciate some wise perspective on this.

I had a terrible marriage, ex H was very abusive. Have been assaulted, abused etc etc over the years, children were affected. Been divorced 5 years and now in what I think is a healthy relationship for just over a year. My younger children relate well to him tho don’t see him too often. Lately tho, I’ve noticed my partner is getting a bit short in the way he sometimes talks to me - when he is busy/stressed/tired. I know that can be normal and run up to Christmas has been manic. However, my response is that in my mind I’ll probably end up ending it as I just can’t bear it when I perceive he’s talking down to me.

I catastrophize everything if it isn’t hunky dory. I have no idea what normal is. Well I do, but I think I spent so many years dreaming of breaking free and day dreaming about having a wonderful relationship that I’m not sure what to expect. When it isn’t exactly what I want it to be, in my mind I talk myself into needing to end it and how I’ll just be better off on my own and in full control.

I was terribly lonely and ready for a relationship. But I also realise I’m fiercely independent and it seems I absolutely can’t bear being told what to do and don’t cope well with being given advice by him (issues with DS1).

It makes me sad that all these years on, I broke free and I’m still not sorted despite loads of counselling. Or maybe he’s just not right for me! We’ve had a good year but lately (honeymoon period definitely wearing off), he just keeps getting on my nerves as things settle into long term. I don’t want to be one of these people that falls in love with just falling in love if that makes sense. But what if he’s the wrong one?

Anything I can read? Any advice? I just want to be happy and content but my over thinking, analytical catastrophising brain doesn’t seem to want me to be!!! Thanks for any advice.

I dont think you needed to "sort" yourself. It's ok to be who you are. You dont need to ever learn to enjoy taking parenting advice from a partner... life is short, it would be preferable to just be with someone who doesnt advise you but rather just helps you, leaves it, listens without correcting, etc. Whatever works for you.

And I dont think theres any such thing as "the right one" or "the wrong one". There's just folk, and some are easier and more compatible for you than others.

It doesn't have to be perfect, but at the same time, you dont have to make a decision about how perfect it is to you, what's acceptable, what isnt. You can take a few months to see how it unfolds with him, and if he stays annoying, you can release him and move on.

All relationships end. Some end in death, all the other ones are breakups. Ending a relationship isnt a failure, if you end up doing that with this guy, that's ok.

I feel like you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Is there an opportunity here for you to take a step back, observe yourself and him with compassion, and let things be for a bit? See how that goes? And if in 6 months, hes not adding much to your life, choose your next steps from there.

Have you explained about the advice giving and how youd prefer a different approach from him?

Thank you so much, great advice. I do absolutely need to chill out and take the pressure off myself - but also need to talk to him about the advice giving before it becomes an issue. We’ve fallen into a pattern where I sound off so in his typical male way he sees it as a problem to fix and so then comes the advice....

I definitely over think and would love to work on that - how to not think the over thinking 😫😂

Or your boundaries are perfectly fine and you're second guessing yourself and the relationship because you were gaslighted in the previous relationship. Second guessing yourself because of gaslighting in a previous relationship can become a habit.
My twopenneth would be to chill, rationalise and if required have a session with your counsellor.

Good advice noego, thank you. Counselling is a good shout. I do honestly think I need some CBT or some thorn similar to break these thought patterns, don’t think it’s just my marriage, I’ve been bought up by a strong minded mother who finds nothing is ever good enough. Think some of the seeking perfection is to do with that as well as not understanding what’s acceptable and normal and what isn’t!

It all depends on how you define perfection. IME mothers that seek perfection are stroking their own ego.
Ones idea of perfection is not the same as someone else's. Trying to live up to those expectations can very trying, hurtful and sometimes a complete waste of time and energy especially when the one forcing the perfection doesn't really give a shit, so long as they look good.

Sorry noego, I did reply and just noticed it hasn’t appeared - god knows what I did... in short my reply said a bloody good summary! So thank you!