Perspectives needed, is this emotional abuse?

[FestiveFruitloop]

NC for this, just because it makes me feel better about what I’m about to disclose.

Need perspectives on a situation with my (not-so-D right now)H. Will try and keep this as concise as possible, but it’s complex. In my book H has behaved in a goady, borderline abusive way several times recently and refuses to see any other perspective than me being the one who is apparently wrong and BU. I need perspectives on his behaviour because I grew up with a lot of invalidation and gaslighting which have caused me to question my own perceptions a lot.

For context, I lost my dad four months ago, and acknowledge that I am sometimes difficult to be around atm in so far as there are days when I get exhausted and overwhelmed and struggle to communicate clearly. I always apologise when this happens He is normally supportive and understanding. However, on three separate occasions so far over the festive season when I have been in a perfectly good mood and normal/pleasant towards him, he’s been argumentative and goady towards me and then tried to say it’s all me and I’m ‘on a hair-trigger at the moment’. (This genuinely isn’t true.)

Incident 1: we’re getting ready to go out. He’s upstairs watching TV. I call up ‘can you come and help me with these please, I’ve got my hands full?’ (’These’ being gifts we needed to take.)
Him, coming downstairs: ‘What?’ (he’d been watching some programme or other with the volume up loud)
I repeat my request in a neutral, non-arsey tone of voice.
Him: ‘Well, if you wanted help you should have said ‘can you come and help me with these’, that’s how communication works, I’m not a mind reader you know.
Me: 'I did say that.’
Him: huffs and puffs in an arsey way

Incident 2: He comes in and starts talking to me, the TV is too loud to have a conversation over.
Me: ‘can you pass me the remote please?’
Him: gives me a quizzical look as he passes it
Me: ‘It’s just a bit too loud to talk over.’
Him: ‘Well, you didn’t seem to have a problem with it earlier.’ (referencing when we’d been watching a film earlier in the day with my mum, who lives with us.)
Me: ‘I did pause it some of the time when we were talking, but my mum gets frustrated if we’re constantly pausing.’
Him: ‘But you’re being inconsistent. You claim you ‘can’t stand’ (sarcastic tone of voice) talking over the TV but the remote was with you earlier, and you kept talking over it and not pausing it. I don’t understand, why are you saying one thing and doing another?’
Me: I’ve already explained. (neutral tone of voice, but heart starting to sink as I recognise this mood) Let’s not argue.
Him: ’But I’m baffled. Why are you claiming you can’t stand talking over the TV when you were talking over it all the time before? The remote was next to you, you claim you can’t stand talking over the TV so why did you not pause it?'
Me: ‘Let’s not argue.’
Him: ‘But…' (reiterates the same general sentiment)
Me: 'Let’s not argue, it’s Christmas Eve.’
Him: pushes his point again.
Me: ‘It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve already answered you, let’s not fall out about it.’
At this point I left the room, not in a dramatic or hostile way, but by now I knew he wasn’t going to be satisfied until I’d risen to the bait and I wasn’t going to do it. For the rest of Christmas Eve he continued to maintain the argument was ‘all me’ because I was ‘on a hair trigger at the moment’.

Incident 3, today: his adult daughter has been staying with us. I called him into the room I was in because I needed a moment to discuss logistics around visiting his parents today and going to his uncle's funeral tomorrow.
Me: ‘When were you planning to set off for your mum’s?’
Him: ‘It’s all free-form.’
Me: (remembering that last weekend he was a complete arse with me because he’d said a time he wanted to leave the house by, and I was ready by that time but didn't magically guess he really wanted to leave earlier) Can you give me a rough idea of when you want to leave the house?
Him: (arsey, sarcastic tone of voice.) Oh. All. Right. Then. I. Don’t. Want. To. Leave. Any. Later. Than. Two o'clock. Will that do you?
Me: Why are you getting annoyed?
Him: (rolling his eyes, speaking through gritted teeth) Because this is a pointless waste of my time. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, you came last weekend, no one will mind. (Context is that we’ve already done a visit to his family, he wanted another visit to them, fine by me but my own mum is still a bit weak and shaky after my dad died, and I don’t like to leave her alone too long so I needed to know his plans so I could decide whether to go to his mum’s with him today and on to the funeral tomorrow, or make my own way separately to the funeral tomorrow in my own car.)
Me: Well, I’ve finished now, except are you still planning to come straight back after the funeral, or are you going back to your mum’s for a bit?
Him, seeming annoyed, with a massive sigh: I told you the other day that I’d be coming straight back here!
Me: I know you did, I’m just double checking in case you’ve changed your mind. I need to know because I need to get back for my mum.
Him: (gritted teeth again) But I told you… were you not listening? Do you not remember that? Were you or were you not listening?
Me: silent as it’s become clear by now that he’s in ‘attack mode’ again, and everything I say/do from this point onwards will be twisted and used against me.
Him: ‘Do you or do you not remember me saying it?’
Me: I was double-checking, let’s not argue again.
Him, with a sneering face, in a sarcastic voice: Oh, this isn’t ME, this is all YOU.
Me: I’ve had enough of this, please leave me alone.
Him: continues to go on at me.
Me, after ignoring him for a while, finally too upset to not snap: I got up and left the room saying ‘I’m not going to talk to you while you’re like this.’
Him, with a sneering sarcastic laugh, pointing aggressively at me: ‘Oh, this isn’t me, this is ALL YOU!’
At which point I finally lost it and raised my voice saying ’this isn’t me, it’s you!’ Sobbing/shouting finally by this point because I just can’t take the way he keeps hurting me any more.
As predicted, he then started acting superior because ‘he was perfectly calm and I was the one with no emotional control’. Sulking, silent treatment, which is always his MO after a disagreement. Told him I’d see him at the funeral tomorrow, that I considered his treatment of me to be unacceptable emotional bullying, and that if he kept it up we were through. He couldn’t be bothered to say anything, just maintained his huffy silence, making his daughter visibly uncomfortable when she was in the room with us later. He’s currently on the road, no doubt having ‘explained’ to his daughter that I’m ‘impossible since my dad died’ (not true) and will doubtless go on to paint me black at his mum’s.

I’m making allowances for his grief over his uncle, that goes without saying, but AIBU (even though I’ve not put this in AIBU as I need constructive responses) to feel this treatment is still unacceptable? We’ve been together a long time and have come through times when quite honestly in hindsight he was lucky I didn’t walk out on him as he used to pull this kind of shit a lot more often. I’m not a saint either, who is? - but it’s fair to say that I try to work on my bad points, whereas he doesn’t even acknowledge that he has any, everything is always someone else’s fault. It stopped when I threatened to leave, and I would have carried out my threat, and I think he realised that. But it seems to be starting again and I'm scared I may be left with no option but to end the marriage because I won't tolerate abuse. He has a lot of good and generous qualities (I do know this doesn’t mean he can't possibly be guilty of abuse) and in many ways has been an absolute rock since my dad died, but at times these good qualities are eclipsed by his arrogant and pissy behaviour. Picking arguments out of nowhere, goading me and then making me out to be the one in the wrong if I rise to his baiting.

In a nutshell I don’t think he wants to be with me any more, and because I’ve lost my father recently I think he feels he can’t end it, so is trying to goad me into doing so. And if he carries on this way he’ll get his wish.

Sorry this is so long, but I’d really welcome perspectives if anyone has any to offer. Have I really behaved so dreadfully in the scenarios mentioned above? I just don’t think so, I think he’s gaslighting me to excuse his own bad moods, but he always acts like I’m so awful when we argue, at times I find myself half believing it, especially given all the gaslighting I experienced growing up. If you're still with me this far, thanks for reading.

I think he sounds like a childish prick who is trying to blame you for his bad mood. You can make allowances all you want for the recent bereavement but he has form and you had reason to leave before? How easy is it to extract yourself?

I only got half way down to the bit about leaving the house and it sounded just like a conversation I've just had with my 12 year old...

Sounds exhausting...

That’s no DH, he’s a stroppy teenager!
What are your options OP? Do you love him? It might be you both need to talk with no distractions/pressure, tell him how unacceptable his responses to you are.

Sorry, I didn't read it all as it was a bit long, but to me it doesn't sound as if you are suited at all, with all that squabbling.

I only managed to read about half of the op because it was so long.

It didn't sound anything like emotional abuse to me. Just stupid bickering. DP and I are both guilty of that sort of thing.

That doesn't sound like gaslighting. It sound like 2 unhappy people taking their frustration out on each other.

The incidents you describe are you calling him from what he is doing, can you come here a minute, pass me the remote, etc and starting a conversation. Then he is annoyed at being interrupted for what he thinks is already sorted and when the conversation isn't going the way you want, you say you don't want to talk about it, let's not fight.

That could be irritating, especially if things are already tense between you.

Re the TV, it sounds like he was annoyed when you were talking over it earlier and being a jerk about it with you now.

From the examples you give, it sounds like you are being a bit sensitive.

But you don't need a reason to separate. If you are unhappy in your relationship you can change it just because you want to. You don't ned to justify it.

My condolences on the death of your father. Christmas is bound to be difficult and perhaps having another funeral this week is adding to your grief.

At best he’s just taking his mood out on you, at worst he’s gaslighting you. Walking on eggshells around him must be so exhausting for you. Neither of you seem happy so maybe it’s time to leave.

Goodness, could you have a break from him? Do you have anywhere you could go?

It might help you to get some perspective. Really, though, who needs that nonsense in their life?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.

How easy is it to extract yourself?
Not easy. My mum rents part of the house from us and I'm self-employed. But I may have to find a way if this behaviour starts to become a pattern.

It might be you both need to talk with no distractions/pressure
This may well be true. It's very hard to get privacy in this house what with my mum living with us and having bat ears (lol), even though she has her own living room there is always an imperative to cover up any disagreements and pretend everything's rosy all the time, which can get stressful.

It's difficult to understand why he is acting this way, I go out of my way to be easy to be around, and atm all I'm getting from him in return is blame and petty verbal attacks. He enjoys his job, he is generally a happy person, or claims to be (things like someone talking during a TV show he's seen before don't bother him, BTW). Right now he's worried about his daughter as she is morbidly obese, and I'm worried too, but I'm not his verbal punching bag. The way we are at the moment, I absolutely feel that if it continues then we shouldn't be together. I'll be sad if this is it, though, as we seemed to have got out of our earlier rough patch and yes we do love each other. However, he can be extremely arrogant and at the moment he seems to have got into his head that because I can be difficult on occasions, this somehow cancels out occasions when he is the one who is BU and makes these all my fault too. I can tell he genuinely thinks this is 100% my fault and 0% his, so I have a bad feeling about how this is going to pan out. Love doesn't disappear overnight, but I am liking him less and less at the moment.

Then he is annoyed at being interrupted for what he thinks is already sorted and when the conversation isn't going the way you want, you say you don't want to talk about it, let's not fight.

I absolutely think he is irritated for being interrupted. But it's hard for me to see this as reasonable because he and I are the sort of couple who give each other a lot of space and he gets acres of time to do his own thing, and I don't make many demands on him at all, in the grand scheme of things, so it's a bit much for him to rant at me for requesting five minutes of his time to have a logistical discussion IMHO... just saying.

Thanks @Ivyr0se for your condolences re my dad.

Goodness, could you have a break from him? Do you have anywhere you could go?

I typically do go away by myself for a week in Feb to pursue a hobby. Right now I'm feeling like that can't come fast enough...

It's very difficult having someone live with you whether it's a parent, a teenager or a lodger. It means you can never just clear the air and establish boundaries, like agreeing not to talk over the TV if the other person is watching a program.

Maybe your mother needs to respect your space more. She doesn't need to spend every evening with you and this may need a bit more negotiation.

He doesn't sound awful and abusive (I've lived with one of those) to me, just you've both forgotten to treat each other with respect. If he needs the tv so loud is it because his hearing isn't too good? This can make someone quite irritable. I think you need some privacy and talk to each other or have some counselling. You've both had a very stressful time recently and that can put a strain on any relationship

He doesn't sound awful and abusive (I've lived with one of those) to me, just you've both forgotten to treat each other with respect. If he needs the tv so loud is it because his hearing isn't too good? This can make someone quite irritable. I think you need some privacy and talk to each other or have some counselling. You've both had a very stressful time recently and that can put a strain on any relationship

I definitely think it has been, he'll refuse counselling but we are definitely going to need to talk in the new year if we are to continue as a couple. Your response made me realise that possibly I didn't convey a couple of things accurately - I should have mentioned that my mum has her own living room, so she's not too up in our business, it's just things like having to put on a bright smile right after an argument, that sort of thing. Also, reading back I realise it did sound like I was talking over a programme he was trying to watch but what was actually happening (at least by my understanding) was that we were all, including him, chatting while we were semi-watching something, because it was something we'd all seen lots of times before, so no one seemed to feel like they needed to catch every word. Partly why I was so gobsmacked by his using this against me later on. His hearing's OK, but I get where you were coming from there too. Thanks for the thoughts. :-)

He sounds abusive to me - that goading stuff is just weird. I would want to know if he has found someone else.

You sound very emotionally aware and to be honest OP I think you're probably right about him trying to goad you into ending it. If you think he's being a prick deliberately and trying to reach that outcome do you really want to be with him? He sounds absolutely vile. I would end it.

If you think he's being a prick deliberately and trying to reach that outcome do you really want to be with him?

Not the way he's being at the moment, no. Sometimes it's like he's two people, one being my husband who normally treats me well and whom I do love and want to be with, the other being this disagreeable argumentative git. I'm not interested in allowing the latter to become a regular feature in my life.

He is goading and needling you on purpose. He probably gets a kick out of it. Then when you finally snap he puts all the blame on you.

Yes, that is abuse. He's ramped it up because he's sensed that you are more vulnerable than usual at the moment because you are still grieving for your dad.

Both need to sit down and talk and grieve the loss of loved ones

Being in a relationship with him sounds like very hard work, op. I honestly don't know if I could be bothered.

Both need to sit down and talk and grieve the loss of loved ones

This is definitely true. It's hard to get him to listen atm, though.

He sounds utterly exhausting. If this was a one off I'd be tempted to leave him to it as it's Christmas and he's just lost his uncle. But if it carries on and you can't talk to him then yes, he's abusive. Horribly, abuse usually surfaces when something big has happened. Such as something important to you, weddings, special events and of course your Dad dying a huge event for you. I used to date someone like this. He'd always find a way of turning things round on me and he'd spoil for an argument if something big was happening with me. I had my celebration hearing when adopting my dd, he chose the night before to constantly pick at me, similar type of convo you've written in your OP. He kept me up arguing the toss gone midnight which ruined what should have been an amazing day with my family.

See how it goes, see if he'll sit and talk, maybe counciling will help. If not don't waste years trying to change it