Hello all, I apologise for the extremely long post. I really need some advice. I've never posted before and was very wary to do so, but I feel like I'm breaking and need some advice.
Basically there’s been a lot going on this year,I had my little boy in July, I was in a relationship with the father who is in the military, he has a 7 year old daughter whom he has full custody of as her mother left when the daughter was quite young.
I moved half way across the country leaving all my friends and family within 3 weeks of having my little boy who was born prematurely, after me being told I would never have children because of previous health issues. My pregnancy was very very hard. I didn’t want to leave my family or where I had lives for the past 27 years but was told our relationship was over if I didn’t. So for the sake of my son and our relationship I moved.
Everything I’m saying below happened on a daily basis not occasionally.
I was with my partner for nearly two years, during this time and from very early on in the relationship I noticed that his daughter was showing signs of a behaviour disorder. She was either very shy or then to the other extreme or she would just completely ignore someone, she would scream and scream when with other children for no reasons at all it seemed like over excitement, she was wetting herself at school and throwing her nickers away and even poo’d herself in our home and was showing her friend in her bedroom it was all down her legs and left it all over the toilet, when I put her in the shower trying to clean her and make sure the other little girl was ok she was just laughing and didn’t seem to think that pooing herself was a problem, she would make up lies, sulk for hours, she would sometimes take 2hours to eat her dinner because she didn’t want to eat it and have severe temper tantrums. She would jump up and down on the spot saying look at me repeatedly in front of myself or a her father or our friends whilst we were talking. I had seen her be aggressive with other children and even hit other children, I found out from other mothers they wouldn’t allow her in their houses or to play with their children. She was never invited to a birthday party, to a play date absolutely nothing in the whole time I was with her father. I had many conversations with her father that I thought she needed help. That I couldn’t live with the behaviour, it was actually breaking me. I also had this awful feeling 100% of the time that she could hurt my little boy. But there was always an excuse saying she had suffered previously from separation anxiety when she was 3/4. I persevered with trying to help her, improve her behaviour, but for a week it would be ok, then after she spent a weekend with her mother it all went to pot again. Every time I spoke to her father he dismissed it.
Finally, this Christmas she spent the morning of Christmas with her mother, then came to my parents family home for the rest of the day. Her father was with us. She behaved really quite well and my family commented on how her behaviour had improved. My ex then had to travel back to where we lived for work on Boxing Day, she stayed with myself and my family my nephew who is 8 years old and they have played together before and had actually kicked him and my 13 months old nephew. She had been aggressive to my baby nephew when he was 11months old, which her father never dealt with. She behaved absolutely disgracefully, sulked, tried breaking my nephews new Christmas presents, told my 8 year old nephew Santa doesn’t exist because her mum had told her, she lied saying my nephew through her games console across the room, when they went to bed 9pm they were told to go to sleep. Tucked them in etc. I could hear at the bottom of the stairs at 11pm my nephew saying stop doing that I want to sleep. I went upstairs and she pretends to be asleep, my nephew sat on the edge of the bed tearing up saying I just want to sleep and she keeps poking me and making noises in my ear and turning on the tv, I told her off but said it in a way where it was telling both of them off as I didn’t want to seem like I was picking on her or anything. Now the big one. We were sat at the dinner table and my 13month old nephew was having his food making some noise and being a bit teary, he took her party hat I just thought it was ok as he’s a baby and interested, she snatched the party hat back and pulled some awful faces at him like the baby disgusted her. I said your little brother will be like that soon learning to eat and be interested and she sat there in front of my family and said Not like that baby! And again gave a look of disgust. I was so embarrassed. My 8 year old nephew took off his party hat and gave it to his little brother as he could see the behaviour was wrong, she then snatched that out of the baby’s hand stood up and started ripping up the hat saying I’m a baby I’m a baby repeatedly. I told her she is not a baby and to sit down and eat her food. Baring in mind my little boy and I have been and still are very unwell and my little boy was in hospital a few day’s before Christmas. I called her dad the morning after and asked him to come and collect her because I had had enough by this point he was really angry with her, stood her in the living room and really told her off seriously. I then told him I’m going to stay at my parents because I don’t want this anymore and I don’t think she should be around our baby at the moment. I am genuinely scared she’s going to hurt him with previous comments like he’s not my brother etc. He cried to my mother and apologised for her behaviour and said I didn’t want to be with him anymore. My mother told him to just leave me alone for a while.
After this, I then found out that his mother who doesn’t like me at all, had spoken to my 87year old granny who she had never met at my sons christening a week previously that I show no commitment and I should move permanently to the new house and stay there. Not visit my family or friends as I had been doing. I was so shocked upset and very confused because I had moved there, and I thought I had shown real commitment. Baring in mind, my ex had a strange relationship with the mother of his daughter who is a dominatrix as a job in a sex dungeon - I said on several occasions that I didn’t feel comfortable with her being around the daughter as when ever she came back from her mothers she was different and the behaviour got worse, and was quite vile to me. My ex is still married to her, he’s been getting divorced since before I met him and anytime I ask what’s happening I get shut down. Btw we were actually engaged ourselves! So I think I’ve been very patient and understanding.
Then I opened my sons Christmas card from my ex’s parents. They had bought a card to a wonderful granddaughter and scribbled in pen and grandson. And didn’t even change the words inside it still said granddaughter. They sent no presents to my son but had previously sent them down for their granddaughter. I was so hurt for my son, because he always gets treated differently and seems like an afterthought to them.
I messaged, my ex’s mother and confronted her. I had been told previously not to tell his parents what his wife/ex wife did for a job. Well by this point I was past caring. So I told her and asked why she spoke about me in the way she did at the christening and why she sent the card she did.
My ex was apologising to me saying how bad his daughters behaviour was he was crying said he loved me etc, how much better I had made his life and his daughters. I didn’t hear from him again that day and night, the next day I got a call, I thought it would be him apologising, quite the opposite, I got that I am the villain in all of this, I’ve damaged his daughter, she only behaved the way she did because he wasn’t there, that were over he’s taking my car away from me (it’s in his name) taking my phone away (it’s an add on to his contract) that he’s going through CSA that he’s contacting social services about my son, he’s getting a van for all my belongings, my sons belongings and furniture etc and will drive half way and drop it off it’s up to me to sort it out if I want it. He said some really vile things and said that I make him deeply unhappy. It was like a different person was talking to me. I am beside myself because I honestly don’t believe I have done anything wrong. Since this my sister in law has found a mark on my 13month old nephews arm. I am seriously worried that if my son is to have contact with either my ex or especially my ex’s daughter that my son will be in danger and not safe. My ex also has numerous knives, swords and pellet guns in the house not locked away, that I have always asked to be.
I need some reassurance and advice. I want to contact social services myself to make sure that my son doesn’t have contact with the daughter right now, it’s not her fault that she obviously has severe issues and her father won’t address it. I believe she needs help and when she gets it and things might improve then maybe she could have supervised visits.
Please can someone help or advise me, am I wrong in any of this?