Family not respecting my boundaries

[frustratedscapegoat]

Hi, I've name changed for this but have posted about my family before. I'm NC with them all except my mum who I'm very close to.
I went NC years ago when pregnant with dc3 who I was told was a mistake. I was told by my eldest sibling that in order to be accepted I would need to change who I am. That was the final straw for me and I've been non contact since except for emergencies with my elderly mum. They proved shit in said emergencies and left 99% of her care to me.
Last year the eldest sibling sent money for the kids at Christmas via mum along with a comment accusing me of not passing on the gifts. So I politely told them not to send anything again.
This year money has been put in my bank account for the kids. I don't know how they got my bank details but possibly from a niece or nephew as I've sent them money for birthdays previously.
Mum has told the dc they will need to send thank you letters and I'm pissed off. First I've said not to send anything and that's been ignored, second they are using mum as a go between and that's not fair on mum, and third it's forcing contact that I don't want. I don't want the children made to send thank you cards to people they don't know and don't see when I've decided it's best they don't have contact with these toxic people. My kids are 4, 11, and 13 and thee Ed older two know exactly why I have nothing to do with these family members. Little one has ever even met them.
If I pass the money on to the kids I'm forgoing my own principles, if they don't send thank you notes my siblings will be on at mum about it and she'll get on to me and it will cause tension between us. If I return the money I'll get grief via mum as she'll be upset with my for being rude and difficult. She struggles to accept I've gone NC but is better than she was.
I'm waffling, sorry. What's the best way forward here?

Send the money back. I'm nt sure of the ins and outs, but could you refuse the payment with your bank?

I could do that mobile to mobile I think? There's no account details just the name so I can't return it that way.
It just pisses me off that I am always put in the position of being the unreasonable, awkward, difficult one. They are being perfectly nice sending money and there's me telling them no thanks. It will always be me in the wrong.

Having thought about it, the falllout from returning the money would be horrendous. I'm not sure I can cope with that today. But then I'm going to be dealing with this every year if they just won't accept my boundaries

I'd tell my Mum that the money was an extremely unwelcome gift that we did not wish to receive. Therefore there will be no thank you notes, and the same will happen if they try to do the same again.

Could you put the equivalent amount in an envelope and tell your mother to give it to the sibling the next time she sees them? Or a cheque?

I'd withdraw the money, write a note saying you asked politely to send nothing. Give it all to your mum and let her hand it back.

I want to keep mum out of it really. Siblings involve her and she wants us to get on therefore tries to help by being the go between. I don't want to use my mum like they are doing as it's not fair on her at all. We are all grown up with families of our own and between the ages of 40 and 60 fgs. Siblings do the "we are so hurt that she has cut us off and we don't know why" malarkey

I'd deny all knowledge of the money! You didn't ask for it, don't want it and can't return it. donate to charity if you like, - but deny deny deny.

They can't prove it, and if you just ignore it, it removes the 'oxygen' of the gift to the gifter.

Deny to your mother (who I'd be LC with, I think, as much as you possibly can - certainly don't talk to her about any if this as she is a flying monkey at best and an enabler and stirrer at worst) and if your sister talks to you at all, deny to her too.

You don't owe them anything as being NC is NC!

I'd donate it to charity and send an email or text receipt.

BTW I am NC with my sister and my father, and LC with my mother who periodically tries to get me to 'talk' to my sister (but she's your sister! I don't like to see sisters fall out, etc etc...) to the extent that if I phone mum, and sister is there, I get 'do you want to talk to her? hold on...'

Ignore. They will prob not do it again next year if there is no response.

My mum is lovely and we are very close. There's no way I'd go low contact with her as there's no need. It's just she gets used at Christmas by the others.
I shall ignore. The kids aren't under any obligation to send a thank you and siblings kids certainly never sent a thank you note or even acknowledged gifts when we were all speaking. They didn't even get their grandmother a Christmas card let alone a gift. I am very different to my siblings and my kids are very much like me and not at all like theirs. We spoil grandma and spend lots of time with her but they rarely see her at all. It makes my mum sad.

What plumbing wrote. Donate the cash to charity and say nothing more about it. Radio silence as well from you needs to be maintained.

You also do not owe your mother anything here like a relationship. She is just as culpable here as your siblings because she chooses to get involved.

Ptumbi

Bloody predictive text.

I would inform your mum that the so called gift is not welcome and is refused. Either you give her the cash on an envelope to pass back, or she provides your siblings account details and you transfer it back.

If she refuses, you tell her the money has been donated to charity as will any future ‘gifts’.

Donate the money to charity if it’s unwanted. At least a good cause will benefit.

Your mother is involving herself, and she is as culpable as anyone in creating this situation for you. You cannot protect her from herself.

I have decided to just completely ignore. If mum says anything I'll tell her straight it's between me and siblings and to stop allowing herself to get dragged into it. She needs to stand up to them too.
Thank you everyone