"your clock is ticking, just choose one of them"... did you choose rather than feel swept off your feet?

[user63212]

....said by a friend over christmas.

im 34. 35 next october.

i really want a family and a husband. when i was late 20s it was all i could think about. however ive been single now for two years and my career has taken shape, i am mostly totally ok with doing anything alone really. the fear in my 20s of being alone has gone, except for the idea of being alone in old age! what u am trying to say is i am quite happy.

i date a lot and it always goes well, they want to meet up again etc etc. but ive never felt that huge pull towards someone, so i either end it or let it drift and carry on dating others.

ive now found myself in a situation where i dated two people in the lead up to xmas, one of which has been very lovely, there's chemistry, he's thoughtful, he wants the same things as me. the other, ive had less dates with but i am interested in meeting again. theyrr very different.

i know the answer to this could be that neither are the right one as im not head over heels for either. BUT, i have dated like this for the last two years...i am so happy in my own life that i just dont really commit. although i dont feel like i need to date someone, i most definitely do want a relationship. perhaps it is laziness? is my friend right that i need to actually choose one of them (obviously they could go off me in time of course, nothing is certain!) in order to have the family i want?

i suppose i feel a bit...im not sure really. do people choose to commit like this instead of being swept off their feet? im not sure i could ever be swept off my feet either, as i love my life as it is and anyone else would be a nice addition, not a life changing event...

do people choose to commit like this instead of being swept off their feet?

Er, yes, because life isn't a Disney film and most people know that.

could be that neither are the right one as im not head over heels for either

You've know them a few weeks. It would be concerning if you had gone that fast.

one of which has been very lovely, there's chemistry, he's thoughtful, he wants the same things as me

You say you "definitely do want a relationship" so why on earth would you not pursue things with this man to give that a chance?

It sounds like you’re caught up in the fact that you can’t find “the one”. And you can’t - if you’re online dating there are literally millions of men out there. Guy A sounds like he ticks all your boxes, but you’re holding out for the possibility of something better.

Sounds like you're looking for 100%. No one is. 80% at best. Pursue things with first guy.

i just feel like i should be excited to see them, butterflies, the lot, at least at the start?

i dont think my expectations are too high - i am well aware that we all have flaws and life isnt always easy and instagram happy!

i just seem to go from man to man, at my own choice as they never end things...thinking that somewhere there is the right man for me, i just havent found him. but two years of dating later and im still looking. i date a lot. this makes me think perhaps it is me and that a marriage is more a choice with your head than overwhelming feelings in your heart...

or maybe im just not the soppy sort these days so i will never find that feeling.

also just to add that obviously i dont meet people and immediately consider marriage, but this first man has indicated numerous times that he is very serious about this and is hopeful that it becomes something significant. i like seeing him but definitely dont feel like that about him - but then i never do with anyone. im not gay either before anyone asks.

I am so glad that online dating wasnt a thing when I was young. (Gimmer alert)

Head over heels doesnt happen from a couple of dates. Fantastic sex is very rare with a brand new partner.
Give someone time, get to know them. Build up anticipation before dates, let the chemistry develop.

If you want children, then maybe you do settle but you need to give people time.

I was pretty much swept off my feet - at 20 - but when the dust settled after getting married quickly I began to see and understand all the flaws that the first flush of love (and youthful naivety) had blinded me to. I know it's the same for DH.

I'm the same age as you now, and we're the most happily-married people I know. DH is imperfect but he's wonderful; and I'm very grateful for him. Far more than romance, marriage is about compromise and teamwork and sticking it out when it's less than ideal and being kind to each other. The sweeping off my feet was nice but so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Your Guy 1 sounds like you could be looking at my DH, but without all the ignorance and naivety I had at the start. My advice would be to give it some time and energy, and let yourself off the hook for the fairytale.

I don't think it a choice between "butterflies"/being swept off your feet and "settling". IME men who give you the most butterflies often turn out to be tall, dark, handsome arseholes. I did a lot of internet dating in my 20s. When I met DP we hit it off really well and I knew something felt "right" but I was also dating one of the aforementioned tall dark arseholes so I didn't pay him much attention and we lost contact for a couple of years. Luckily we both ended up back on the site a few years later and then I just knew. Clearly you don't have the benefit of so much time to fuck about, but imo you should be thinking about whether in 20 or 30 or 40 years time you'll be happy having this man as your main source of conversation every day. Also shared values and all that jazz but hopefully you've worked that out already. Good luck!

I think there are a couple of issues at play here.

Your age. It's a bit of a red herring tbh. You still have lots of time to meet someone. I think that as a society we put women under a lot of pressure and that is probably affecting your judgement a bit.

Also, the fact that the guy who you say you have chemistry with has already indicated that he wants a committed relationship. This early on, again, it's a lot of pressure and I think you're probably trying to figure out why you don't "feel" a certain way when the truth is, really, it's way too soon and you probably need to just spend some more time getting to know him first.

Chill, and ignore your friend. You still have time so if I were you I'd keep dating. You'll know when you've met the right guy.

I'm 34 as well btw.

i do feel rushed by everyone including the man i am dating.

i sort of hoped i would know when i met the right one. and because im so happy with life on my own, i suppose i dont invest time properly like i should to find out if something will go somehwhere.

Have you been in love before?

yes i have, twice. ive also had a few relationships in between those but not been properly in love.

Would you say they were good/healthy relationships? What made them come to an end?

I know I’ve been in love and I know it wasn’t a good relationship for me. I think I’ve come to associate the falling for someone/passion with men who aren’t a logical choice.

I definitely chose my husband because we shared a lot of values and goals for how we wanted our lives to look. We compliment each other's personalities extremely well. I never had a huge 'head over heels fall in love' moment with him but man, he is so much better than butterflies and sweeping me off my feet. It's because of choosing the qualities he has which has seen us easily though huge, huge ups and downs and our love for each other has been unwavering through it all.

Real life ain’t Disney.

The idea that marriage is the result of a ‘spark’ of true love followed by a whirlwind romance, and that if we just wait we will get a ‘happily ever after’ is crackpot.

Marriage is a joining of two people in a formal relationship that benefits both. In history women just had to take what was on offer - glad that’s no longer so much the case here. But Unless you’re insanely lucky you’re not going to find a 100% perfect Prince Charming. Pursue a relationship with 1 if you think it could go somewhere.

And no, I didn’t get swept off my feet. I slowly developed a warm, loving relationship with a man with excellent prospects, who shares enough of my interests and whom I find attractive. It was a natural progression all the way to marriage, and we’ve been married over a decade.

In my opinion The first few months are when you’re supposed to be crazy about someone and couldn’t imagine dating any one else. That part doesn’t last obviously but I’m inclined to think that if you’re not that fussed in the first few weeks to exclusively date one of them then it will be hard to make the feelings last to develop into love