Sorting out previous issues before dating again.

[OhLook]

I'm single after a ten year relationship and although I'm not thinking about dating just now, I am thinking about issues I've had in every relationship I've ever had.

I always go off sex after a couple of years in relationships. Sometimes to the point where I can't bear the thought I'd touching them and any advances on me make me feel like they only want me for sex and I resent them. I've always thought I loved them. Maybe I didn't and should have just ended things earlier. I don't know if I really believe in love any more?

I have suffered with anxiety and depression my whole life which I'm sure plays a part in it. I'm never any good at living in the moment. Now I take citalopram which has wiped out my libido completely. I won't be coming off it any time soon. I have been referred for a mental health workshop which starts soon. I wonder if it's enough though, there doesn't seem to be counseling available to me on the NHS.

I'm sorry this is a ramble. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship that stays intimate.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

OhLook, sorry. Yep, been there. Here's where I got to trying to think it through...

I wouldn't read too much into the sex thing. I think sex is the first thing to go when there are problems elsewhere in the relationship, so it may be a symptom of loss emotional intimacy/trust etc. more than anything wrong with your libido.

The thing (and it's a big one, and a whole journey) is to work out what relationship and communication skills are needed to keep a connection healthy. Have you done much reading on relationships? I know, pop psychology and all that, but three that helped me are:

1. Barbara De Angelis's "Four R's", talking about how the connection gets lost.
2. Gary Chapman's 5 love languages
3. Anything from the Gottman Institute, including the importance of 'love maps'

PS: I also wondered if I've stayed too long in relationships. (My parents had an unhappy marriage, so maybe it feels "normal" to go on being unhappy or unfulfilled, whereas maybe someone whose parents had had a good marriage would say: "This isn't good enough".)