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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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How support dd with emotionally abusive dad?

14 replies

Treatedlikeamaid · 29/12/2019 01:26

Have been trying not to notice dh is controlling and horrid, and getting worse. Not violent but can call me a effing bitch in front of dd. And act like he hates me. Finally found out it’s emotional abuse. Tfft- I thought I was going mad.
Still find hard to get head round.
Dd and ds, now 12 and 14 were brought up hearing dad yelling at me. Ds would come and give me a hug and tell me it’s all right. At 5 or 6. Not funny.
Now dd called him out for being abusive and said she is seeing the school counsellor.
Tonight asked him to pick up towels and he said I was being grumpy and swore a lot. I said, let’s not end on a bad note, I just I don’t want to be sworn at.he went on again, denying he’d sworn at me. Dd could hear so I said, sorry you had to hear that. She didn’t look up from her phone, but said,‘I’m used to it’ later gave me a hug, which was pretty cool.

Of course I feel utterly crap..how do I be a strong support to her and ds while I figure out waht to do?

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 29/12/2019 09:10

I’m so sorry to read this - I really feel for you.
You could try talking through with a Relate councillor. They could discuss options with you for either strengthening your assertiveness and laying down rules for how he and you will behave as a couple from now on. This could even include how you leave him or kick him out of the house - not sure of you can contemplate this yet though.
You can read about “assertiveness“ too. Building up your own self esteem and confidence is important in order to push back on his behaviour and believe in yourself. You have a right to be treated with respect by your partner. You don’t mention whether he’s physically dangerous or a threat to any of you?
Sending you much love xx

Treatedlikeamaid · 30/12/2019 00:41

Thanks lilac.
Hadn’t thought of relate.
Now have a counsellor who is helping with self esteem. I had no idea how rock bottom I’d got. I haven’t showered in a week.
not physical, no. He Just will not discuss anything - immediately reacts by attacking.
I can be as assertive as I like, it just escalate in a nasty way, untill I capitulate.
This is worse than I realised.
Thanks for your advice. Really appreciated.

OP posts:
AnnaFiveTowns · 30/12/2019 00:53

OP, maybe ask to get this moved to relationships?

I think you need to seriously consider leaving your "d"h for the sake of your children and you. You could contact women's aid for some advice.

rainbowlou · 30/12/2019 00:59

I got help from women’s aid and they were my life line.
I then went on to work for them and they ran group meetings for children as well as outreach appointments for women and their children plus the freedom programme.
I have never regretted leaving him and his abuse, my only regret is not doing it sooner for me and my dd.
Good luck Flowers

Treatedlikeamaid · 30/12/2019 01:13

Thanks.
Moving thread is beyond me! Will take both your advice and call wa.
Bloody hell.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 30/12/2019 01:18

If you want HQ to move this just press the report button on your post.

I'm sure someone will link to the Freedom programme.

GloriaMumsnet · 30/12/2019 11:29

Hi @Treatedlikeamaid, let us know and hit report if you want to move the thread!

Treatedlikeamaid · 30/12/2019 21:21

Gosh you are helpful! Ok then! Please move thread to relationships!

OP posts:
Fightingmycorner2019 · 31/12/2019 00:13

Encourage the counselling for your DD

And OP if at all
Possible self refer to Freedom programme

That was what nailed it and gave me the courage to end it . I wish you luck

Keep reading , posting and get ready

Education both vis the Freedom programme and in your legal rights empowers you so much

And get financial affairs in order Flowers

Fightingmycorner2019 · 31/12/2019 00:15

By the way lilac , relate are not recommended for abusive relationships . I attended them 10 years ago and she didn’t spot it was abusive

I would honestly refer to WA and Freedom programme as a better options for Op Smile

Jmommy · 31/12/2019 00:26

OP, I grew up in similar circumstances, my dad being mentally abusive. As an adult I have to say I have felt anger not only towards him, but also towards my mom, for allowing that behavior and staying in that situation. We also never spoke about it, it was an elephant in the room. It’s good this isn’t the case in your family, but you are even getting outside help. Please also seriously consider leaving this relationship behind. My parents are still together and I guess they are happier than they were back then, but it doesn’t really help now. The damage to our relationships was done long ago.

Treatedlikeamaid · 04/01/2020 09:40

Thanks guys.
Confused. He’s now being nice as pie. Still calling wa though.

OP posts:
Fightingmycorner2019 · 04/01/2020 09:52

Do it . After I called police mine behaved himself , with kids at least . But it’s walking on eggshells as know and I know he will blow again . And probably ruin a nice
Planned day Sad

Treatedlikeamaid · 05/01/2020 22:16

Hats off to all of you being so brave and calm. It’s all bollocks.
He’s being nice...but I’m being wary. Then don’t like myself for being untrusting. Crap.

OP posts:
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