What to do about DS and his friend

[AnybodyWantAChip]

We are very good friends with a couple who have a DD the same age as ours. They have known each other since they were in reception class and went through senior school together until 6th form when their DD left and went to a school in another town.
My DD is now at university. Their DD is back home and working, but she lost touch with most of the kids at the local school.
The reality is that my DD really doesn't like their DD anymore, and with good reason. My DD was a actually really pleased when their DD left the school.

We see these friends regularly and would honestly do anything for them.

So the problem is that my friend asks me to tell my DD to include her daughter in social plans when she is home from uni. I think her DD is struggling a bit as there aren't many people her age where she works. My DD refuses to do this as she really doesn't like her, and I have to respect that as she now an adult.
So far I have just nodded and smiled, but it's now getting a bit awkward as it's obviously not happening.
The fact my friend keeps mentioning it means it is obviously important to her.

So what do I do? Keep nodding and smiling? Or say something to her? But what could I say that would not upset her?

Sorry for gender muddle - it is my DD not DS.

Dd is 13 and I have given up trying to influence her friendships! Ridiculous ask by your friends really not fair

I see what your saying, but from her point of view she is just asking a friend to help her DD settle back into life in the local area. Not a big ask. And she's probably not aware that there were any issues.

You just tell her that they are adults now and that you can't tell your DD what to do in regards to her social life

Just keep it light 'I mentioned it to dd, but she's so busy I never know what she's doing when she's home. Who does your dd keep in contact with - can she meet up with them?'

I don't think it would help to mention past issues, nor is it fair to expect your dd to be responsible for her dd's social life.

Is it possible to give your friend a gentle version of the truth if you want to protect everyone’s feelings? Outline your daughters’ differences, that they don’t seem to ‘click’, they move in different circles, they would have nothing in common anymore, that sort of thing? It’s either that or just outright telling her why your daughter dislikes hers, otherwise she’ll just keep on asking.

Why doesn't your dd like her dd?

I'm just hoping to find a way to say exactly that, but more gently.

She tried to split up my DD and her boyfriend so she could go out with him. Plus lots of other trivial stuff over the years that just wore my DD down.

I’d just say some thing like, oh I don’t know what’s up with dd these days. I did mention it but she just seems to do her own thing. I’ll mention it again....

Vague.

I would tell your friend that your DD’s fell out over a man, then leave her to ask her daughter the relevant questions. She might not get the whole truth, but it will probably open her eyes to the situation.

You’re really good friends, see then regularly, would do abutting for them... I’d test how good a friendship it is from their side, by telling them that the girls have grown apart. You’ve mentioned it your daughter, but she isn’t keen as they’re not actually friends. If your friends get pushy, I’d tell them some of the detail.

Ok yeah she sounds unpleasant. Just I was wondering if it was done petty school stuff. But that's not nice even if they're young! I think just saying oh you know she doesn't want to hang out with us or her mum organising her social life. Just keep it quite vague to spare her feelings. Hopefully her dd will learn to treat others better.

Just tell her you can’t tell your dd what to do. She’s a grown up, you don’t do play dates anymore!

What cherrysoup said!

How about something like

“They’re both adults now, should be more than capable of making their own arrangements and honestly my dd no longer feels a particular affinity with your dd, they’ve grown apart”

But if she pushes it - I’d be honest!

She can’t help her dd if she doesn’t know what the issues are.

You say there was good reason implying her dd did or said something out of order, well the dd is an adult and loss of friendship is one of the consequences of saying/doing stuff that annoys/offends people, time she learned to be frank.

She tried to split up my DD and her boyfriend so she could go out with him. ooft! In that case what does her dd bloody expect?!

I’d be putting friend in the picture

I've ended up friendly with my now adult dds best friends mum we have very similar parenting style and opinions.

The girls have at points fallen out and they soon learned that we wouldn't be dragged into their squabbles BUT also that they wouldn't get away with lying to their respective mums if they were at fault as between us we'd work out the truth of the matter!

We've both (other mum and I) had occasion to say to our own dds "well you can't treat people like that and expect there to be no consequences. You want things to change you need to apologise for what you did and not do same again"

Chasing someone else's guy is shitty whatever age, my dds strong small group of friends (7 of them now) have never accepted such behaviour, there was one girl who used to be part of the group who did this, she apologised the first time and claimed to be unaware of the existing relationship but the 2nd time she tried that nonsense on she was ousted from the group - consequences of her own actions as it was clear she couldn't be trusted and wasn't a loyal friend

Could you say something along the lines of as your dd only has limited time while she’s back she’s not got time for general catch ups, she’s just got a few really close friends here that she’s seeing as they’ve all got so much to catch up on having been at different unis all term and that it’s not fair on any of them to change that dynamic to include somebody without the shared history and that dd and her friends sort their own meet ups and that you don’t get to see her enough either and that you’re sure her dd must have school friends from 6th form that she wants to catch up with while they are home too...

How much of it is down to convenience - does their dd need more lifts to get to see her friends from school? Or is it she really doesn’t have any/many friends now so her parents want to get anyone and see your dd as easy/obvious prey?

I have kids in that age group and there is no way that I'd ask or enable this.

I'd say something vague about them having different social circles these days or not interfering with my DD's friendships since primary school.

Is their family a social media friend of your dd? (I'm assuming that this is how they know about your DD's social life) Might be an idea to restrict them from seeing that sort of content.