How to discuss the lack of effort in a friendship without causing conflict?

[aubz88]

About 3 years ago I moved abroad with my husband and daughter. We moved to my husband's home country.

While I didn't have many friends in my hometown, I have a friend that I've been very close to for over 20 years. In the first 2 years after I moved, my friend was going on Skype with me. After the birth of my second child last year she stopped going on Skype with me.

She has still kept in touch with me through instant messaging. I'm finding it difficult to really know in detail what's going on in her life and in my hometown over fragmented instant messages and a phone call or a Skype call would be better even if it was just once every few months.

I asked her why she doesn't want to go on Skype and she just says things like, 'Oh the time zone difference is too large and I go to my other friend's house on my days off'. I understand that but I don't understand why she can't spend 20 mins on Skype once and a while.

I do know that some things are bothering her such as turning 30 without having a child and her own family moving away leaving her in our hometown etc.

I'm feeling frustrated and I fear that we could grow apart eventually if she can't put more effort in. I told her that I was planning to visit next year and she did say that she was excited.

I guess I am living in a different world, a different culture and I'm losing touch with what's going on back in my hometown and it's possible that I could forget completely.

How can I bring this up with her without causing conflict?

Sounds like she's pulling away because of her own issues with what she wants.

Keep trying to skype her and don't bail. Your post reads like she may struggle with where she is in her life and the fact her family have moved away.

Thanks, I won't give up.

Hi @aubz88,

I was your friend in this situation about ten years ago. I had a neighbour who became a friend (married), and when we met, they had one child. We would all spend time together at each other's houses and go for picnics etc.

But, things changed when she had a second child. She changed. It became self-evident that we no longer had enough in common. I was single and had no children. The bridge became too wide with the birth of the second child, and I allowed the friendship to drift apart.

I also found it challenging to have time on our own to chat, as one or both of the children demanded more of her time. Nobody's fault, but in my experience, this is a relatively common rite of passage. I noticed my friends, who had more than one child, started to look for other mummy friends.

I would back off a bit, and let her come towards you.
Good luck.