Need advice please...

[bunny85]

My husband's dad passed away just over a month ago very unexpectedly and quickly. Since then he's understandably sad some days which I'm trying to be as understanding about as I can. I've done few things for him in memory of his dad which he appreciated I think. Thing is we have a 4 year old DS and I'm 8 months pregnant too. What I'm struggling with is he's so cheerful and playful with our son but with me sometimes he's distant and a little cold. It varies from day to day, sometimes he's his usual sweet self and other days he's more miserable. I asked him today if it's because of his dad and he snapped at me saying why I'm asking him the same question isn't it obvious. I then said to him that he seems a bit off with me and I thought there's something wrong but he snapped again asking if he can just be sad on his own. But what puzzles me is that he's absolutely happy and funny with DS.

I suppose what I'm asking is how long does this sadness usually last, if someone has experienced a loss of a parent? And why is it directed at me only? I totally understand how hard it must be, I just struggle not to take it personally. I'm sitting in tears here. Thanks for reading.

Hello OP, sorry for what your family is going through. I would expect him to be happy etc with your DS, although this is obviously him putting on a brave face in front of him.

There's no saying how long it will take him to be himself again but give him time. A month is no time at all when it comes to grief especially of a parent.

Thank you ellsisland. I really hope things will change. I wonder maybe I should just give him space and leave him alone... but I so desperately crave attention and all of that

The sadness won't go away. It will become less frequent but it will always be lurking and hit when you least expect it. But I'm able to keep it bottled and to myself now.

He knows that's DS is a child and he won't understand.

He's also lost a dad and as a dad himself knows that's DS needs that bond.

All you can do is be there for him.

That doesn't give him an excuse to be nasty or shitty towards you though.

I totally understand how hard it must be

Clearly not.

Especially given your crass insistence on making it all about you. It's not about you. Or your craving for attention.

It took me years to start to feel like I could carry the loss instead of being buried beneath it, but years and years since then it still hurts and sometimes still hits me like it only just happened.

Losing a parent is not something you "get over". A month is no time at all.

I find it horrifying that you're pestering him and making it about you. Asking him a month after losing his dad if his pain is still about that is fucking awful. I'm angry you've done that to him, so I'm not surprised it angered him you could be so cruel.

This morning he woke up his usual self and in a good mood. So what's the best way of handling it when he gets miserable again? Trying to hug and talk to him about his loss or just leaving him to it and give him space? I promise I won't pester him again about the cause of it, but I genuinely thought there must have been something wrong between us hence my questions.

A month!! Good grief give your poor DH a chance. A month!!

My mum died over 25 years ago and I still cry and get snappy this time of year.

His first Christmas without his dad who died a month ago.

I know you have raging hormones running around and you're tired and nervous but darling, please have some empathy. He must devastated that his dad isn't going to meet his child.

So he too has a terrible range of emotions going round and round. Please be more gentle to him.

He's not his usual self and he's not in a good mood. He's just hiding his pain better.

Ask him my darling, ask him how you can help his pain.

Oh, I'm so sorry, OP. It's really hard, especially if you're pregnant. But it would be different with your son, because it's so straight forward. Grief can last for years, but the worst of it is at least six months, and it's complicated. It can infect every interaction and relationship. It's probably a shock to him and he has no idea how to handle it. Normally, I'd say be patient but you've got a lot going on yourself! Try not to take it personally is all I can suggest.

Imagine he had a low grade chronic illness. You'd just be a bit kinder and more supportive, but you wouldn't try and make him talk about it necessarily. I think be like that.

YellowJellyfish thank you, I will ask I promise. I did ask him few times already if there's anything I can do for him and he said something like "you are doing more than enough" or something else nice. Also as I said I did something in memory of him (2 things) and I think he did appreciate. I'm going to ask again. Thanks for the practical advice. This is his first real loss and actually first real loss in our family so I'm not sure what's the best way to deal with a grieving person...

And thank you to everyone else

Absolutely not the same but when I lost my grandad last year it knocked me for 6, had to take time off work etc, could put on a front for DC but as soon as DH was in the room I’d break down. For me it was tears not snappyness but I think it’s the same thing. You’re the closest to him so will be taking the brunt. For me it was a good 6 weeks, even now I’ll cry every 2/3 days over missing him. Grief treats each person differently, sorry it’s hard for you right now x

My husband cries sometimes too

I'm sorry about your grandad Babynumber2