Dear Mumsnet,
I looking for your opinion because I offended and lost my friend. The story is long.
I work away from my hometown and the town has little housing opportunities. A good room (location, price, roommates) are hard to find. Even if you do, you still worry, because the place is still not yours.
5 years ago, I (w/now 35, forever single) rented a room – the owner (w/now 40) lived there and needed tenants to cover her mortgage. I would stay there max 4 nights a week and be away for 6 weeks in the summer, so I was an ideal flatmate.
About 9 months after my moving in, she found a boyfriend on a dating app and got pregnant 5 months later. The new family were supposed to be at his place, but were almost always in the rented flat. The owner was always warm and welcoming, but her boyfriend could not stand me. Two years ago, suddenly she told me I had to move out – she broke up with her boyfriend and did not want to involve me in the mess. However, I could not find a room immediately so I stayed. Over the next two years I was helping her immensely – with her child, with her crazy ex, the household and we became close friends. Her family lives far from the town so she had somebody to rely on.
Now her child is three and she craves a new partner and a second child. She is 40 and her biological clock is ticking loudly. For the past four months she has been constantly on the dating app and kept talking about men. She wanted to find a decent partner. However, since she fights with her ex over their child, she also considered finding a boy toy as a sperm donor and be a single mum to her second child. Twice she invited a man over when her child was sleeping and I was not there. About a month later, the guy stopped by and she did not invite him in. Because I was there?
As friends, we discussed our problems with compassion and humour – she had her problems and I had mine. We also got each other professionally – we work in the same field but different company. She solved her housing situation (promotion plus salary raise) but I did not – I still rent and worry about moving. We are not in equal room sharing situation – the place is hers; she makes the rules. She has always been more than generous, but I am the one who will have to leave eventually. She would always say I was her family now and she would never ask me to leave, that she and her child would miss me, but realistically, when she starts dating, I cannot stay there (privacy, space, her ex hardly tolerated me).
Two weeks ago, after constant talk about dating, I made an appointment to see a room. I was not really interested. I just wanted to check out the market and ask my flatowner/friend about her place – how serious she is with her plan and as I friend, I expected her to listen to me and give me encouragement like we often did.
She started talking about a date for the upcoming weekend, so I told her I went to see the room. I had some wine and was not my most eloquent, but needed to get it off my chest. In a single sentence she told me it’s my choice and she was not kicking me out, but she would help me move out and she did not need me. She took my breath away and I could not say anything coherent after that.
She then asked why – I told her I wanted to have a backup plan and did not want to stand in her way if she wanted to invite someone (like she did in the summer). She told me she would never invite anyone as long as her child and I are there (in the summer her child was home) and thatI do not block her in any way. Then she told me she knew my way of thinking, that I thought she was a wh⁕⁕e and that I made her feel like one. I never said anything like that. She said she had been only joking (daily for 4 months?) and did not expect this after 5 years of friendship but I did not expect her to be so cold and calculating either. I felt like she used me to pay off her mortgage and be her free nanny/maid/assistant she did not need anymore. After that she closed off. I apologized immediately and later I tried to explain the misunderstanding in an email, but there is no reply. She blocked me on her social media too (no attacks, just that one email). I should go to pack my things but now I am afraid it will be a scene.
I do not know her past dating habits. I know her ex called her a wh⁕⁕e because she was on that app when she was pregnant too. She is very attractive and craves attention of men; she is contacted by men daily. I know her only as a dignified, intelligent, kind and elegant woman, but her past actions (having a child with a man she knew 5 months, inviting a man when her child was home, constantly being on the app and talking about men) as well as her ticking bio clock make my concerns about housing grow. Without shaming her, I see examples of her past life, listen to things she says and I try to plan accordingly for myself.
I understand her romantic life is her sensitive spot, but she projected other people on me and put their words into my mouth.
So, am I a bad friend implying she is a wh⁕⁕e, or she did not let me explain and was too quick? Did I insult her horribly, or she selfishly did not take my concerns seriously?
Thanks for your opinion,
Arieslady