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Original poster

What would you do

26 replies

Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 17:07

in this situation...
We are both late 20s, have a 3 year old son together. We live abroad with literally no family/ close friends support network. The birth of a child caused some massive strains on our relationshiop to a point we officially divorced last year! Got back together though.. However it all feels so FAKE and I feel miserable living with him. I have a good job and money etc and would probably be able to raise my child on my own. BUT I cant stand a thought of him not having a father's figure in his life. He really adores his daddy!!.. It would be so much easier if I had my family around however for forseeable future we are staying where we are at the moment. What should I do? Should I stay for the sake of having a family and at least "some" sort of support I get from him or just leave him and be on my own with a small child. I dont know how long I can live with someone that I dont feel happy with. Dont think he feels happy either as i.e. today he spent ALL day watching tv while me and my boy did some shopping, went to the park etc. Its difficult as there is really no good reason to break up now - we dont fight anymore (we used to before the divorce!!) , he doesnt drink, isnt violent or lazy so it seems like a sensible to stay together as he is the father of my son..... I am lost so lost and have no one else to talk to about this :(

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2019 17:19

Surely your ex would have your son a couple of days a week if you didn't live together? Why would he end up with no father-figure at all in his life?

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 17:26

Do you mean you'd want to leave him and return to the UK? Would he give permission for you to take your child out of the country without him?

Because if not you won't be going anywhere.

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 17:29

No we wouldnt be moving countries at all...

OP posts:
Groovinpeanut · 28/12/2019 17:33

You can co-parent without you being with your child's father. Many do it very successfully.

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 17:33

Some days we get on OK, but other times it feels like living with a roommate. P.s. Im not from UK originally but dont want to disclose specific details

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2019 17:35

So go for an amicable co-parenting arrangement. Live apart, move on with your lives. your ex is still dad.

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 17:37

I know people coparent but I grew up with divorced parents and my dad never invested his time in seeing us when we were children and my child's dad seems very much like my dad in this respect. He wouldnt be too bothered to get involved. I have already seen it last year when we filed the divorce. Officially 100% of custody for the child is with me. So in case we now break up for good it would stay this way. I think

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 17:39

But how easy is it to be a single parent? How would I manage when my boy is ill? How would I manage holidays when he starts school? I work full time and wouldnt be able to afford extra emergency childcare etc. Like I said I am without any other family around here... Maybe I just need to suck it up until my son is 18 :)

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 28/12/2019 17:42

Well you can delay the inevitable or you can move on with your life and be happy, whether single or with another person who makes you happy.

That's it really. He may or may not choose to be an active father but (as much as this makes me rage) you can't control this.

Put yourself and your DC first. See what happens.

category12 · 28/12/2019 17:45

Tons of women do it.

Would your ex not help out at all if asked?
Don't you have entitlement to leave?

You're really thinking of living like this for 15 years?

Don't you want more children, someone you love in your life?

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 17:48

It does make sense to just end it but I am probably too weak. It sounds terrible but I wish he would just left me and I wouldnt have another option but just to live alone

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 28/12/2019 17:48

Relationship do change once children arrive. Long term relationships are more like partnerships. Are you being realistic as to what you expect?

category12 · 28/12/2019 17:56

Life isn't a dress rehearsal, OP. You get one shot at it.

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 17:59

I know I know. I just dont want to mess it up for my son...

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2019 18:03

What sort of model of relationships are you giving your son, tho?

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 18:06

Do you think your child won't be messed up by living with a parent who still can't be arsed with him even though he's in the same home? Why is that any less shit than what you went through?

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 18:07

You need to make decisions in the present, in your son's genuine best interests - not out of a desire to replay and fix your own childhood.

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 18:08

All very good questions. But how can I know it wont be worse than it is now? It is not like his dad is violent or swears or shouts or anything....

OP posts:
WheresMyChocolate · 28/12/2019 18:12

Some of the answers you're seeking depend on the country you live in.

RLEOM · 28/12/2019 18:15

How and why did you get back together? How long has it been since you split? Do you think you need more time to work on the relationship and healing?

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 18:30

Why does the country matter? So we have been together 5 years in total. Met in 2014, Got married in 2016. Son was born late 2016. Relationship went downhill and we got divorced officially the end of 2018. We only spent 2months separately and decided to get back together for our "family" and now a year later we are in 2019 and its shit again. It must sound messed up. We definitely need more time and maybe more adult time alone but again it all goes back to not having any family around to help out with the little one. We are kind of stuck in this routine now

OP posts:
Elieza · 28/12/2019 18:30

Can you afford to rent somewhere local so your child can see his father lots? If he’s just round the corner then he can be a big part of his life.

Original poster
Undecided91 · 28/12/2019 18:31

We rent our current house here

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 28/12/2019 18:44

What would family offer that you can’t source locally? Babysitting?

Elieza · 28/12/2019 19:10

So what if you rent the current house, I don’t understand.

I meant you and dc rent another one close to the baby’s father so you can be close to each other and you arent feeling and coping alone and dc can easily be dropped off and picked up.