Post partum sex

[nosetonip]

I had my second baby ten weeks ago. I found the birth fairly traumatic and I came out of it with a nasty and awkwardly positioned tear; a bladder prolapse; and hemerroids you could play tennis with. I've had a hard time breastfeeding with an infection; lots of nipple damage; thrush and milk blisters. All in all, at least one part of my body has been sore for 10 weeks and I've not felt very sexy.

I'm starting to feel slightly less awful, am treating / addressing my various ailments, and really would like to reignite things. But I also feel anxious and tbh a bit gross. I'm worried about the prolapse; I hate that I have dangly bits coming out my bum; I'm worried about leaking milk or wee...

Not sure what exactly I'm asking. I suppose I'm looking for some reassurance or suggestions for how to progress things! I don't want to compare - as what's the point? - but I do keep thinking that by 10 weeks surely most people are back in action?

No,I had a straight forward section and it was months before either of us felt remotely like having sex. You sound like you need a bit more time to recover and nothing wrong with that.

After 10 weeks? No, I don't think many people are back in action! I think it took us 4 months. Then another 2 months after that. And the birth was totally straightforward.
Do you actually want to have sex (fine if you do) or do you just feel like you should want it?
No rush, be kind to yourself

I had a prolapse after DC1 and sex was fine, in fact it pushed everything back into place I found and no complaints from DH. I didn’t have your other ailments though and don’t feel you need to rush back into things if you don’t feel ready yet.

I think on threads like this you’re bound to get either people who were back in action very quickly or people who just didn’t feel like it for a long long time. Either is fine. Your body needs to heal and you need to be in the right mindset.
FWIW, I fall into the latter category. I had a very straightforward birth but didn’t really feel like having sex until 5 months post partum. Sleepless nights, crying baby, constant feeding- all this didn’t help.
I think you need to do what feels right for you, without making yourself do anything because everyone else does it (they don’t!).

We helped sort each other after about a month with both my births however, it was a good 6-8 weeks before we had PIV

Oh thank you all for being kind.

@edwinbear, that's really reassuring. Was yours a bladder prolapse as well?

@ImperfectPresents, I think you've maybe hit on something there. I feel like I want to have sex, but perhaps what I want is to WANT to have sex.

Part of me is anxious that I'll never really feel happy about sex again.

I’m 9 months op and still have no intention to but there’s other issues in the marriage which has added to the not wanting to but even if that wasn’t there I still wouldn’t want to. I had a tear too but it’s a lot on your mind and body. Don’t know why many people talk about getting back to it so quickly. Take your time no rush if your partner is decent.

@nosetonip I had an anterior and posterior prolapse, so bladder and bowel. I had a bad tear so think we left things until around the 4-5 month mark, but the prolapse caused no issues at all other than my anxiety about it.

I definitely don’t think most people are by 10 weeks. I’ve had 2 super straightforward home births. We didn’t have sex again until 7 months pp with our first (though some of that was just due to being so tired!) and 3 months with our second.

You have the rest of your lives to have sex. But those few months are rough. No one will die if you don’t rush right back into things.

The average in my post natal group (and we were a brutally honest group ) was between 4 to 8 months. In fact only one couple was the 4 months. Everyone else it took around 5-6months before they got going again - wide variety of births, issues, bf v ff etc. So please don't feel pressured that lots of people are swinging from the chandeliers just weeks in!

'Part of me is anxious that I'll never really feel happy about sex again.'

It's still really early days. Unless there are other issues in your relationship with your husband, I don't think you need to worry about that.

Keep telling professionals how your recovery is progressing, keep going back if you keep having issues etc, and make sure you have contraception you can rely on when you're ready (if you don't fancy getting pregnant again in a hurry, the risk could put you off sex.)

Best wishes. xxx

10 weeks is very early days. I had a 2nd degree tear and it was still really raw 4 months after. Took 6 months before we gave it a go. Just rest and be kind to yourself xx

I found that making an effort to be intimate in other ways led to me feeling more like having sex again. Not saying you should, I definitely agree with all of the others saying to wait if you want to and there's nothing wrong with that. However, little things like cuddling up on the sofa or asking for a back massage or kissing him unexpectedly really helped me feel better connected to my DH again. I made it very clear that this was all I wanted and I'd tell him when I was ready for more.

We have been trying once a week since 3 months pp and it's still awkward and painful. I had a second degree tear and episiotomy and it feel so tight.

I'm now 6 months pp btw. Lots of lube and a supportive husband does help and it's getting better.

I had a traumatic birth and it was 6 or 7 months before we tried having sex. And then another 2 months of trying before it became comfortable and normal again.

I had a BF baby who didn't sleep, and I was worried about injuries. I remember around 4 months thinking I would never ever again feel like I wanted to have sex, I just couldn't imagine ever feeling that way again and thought my husband had no interest either. I wanted to want it, and wanted to think he wanted it. A few months later, all was well.

It'll come back, just give it time. 10 weeks is no time at all.

It seems like most posters are talking about penetrative sex. Was the timeline different for non-penetrative sex like masturbating with or oral?

It seems like most posters are talking about penetrative sex. Was the timeline different for non-penetrative sex like masturbating with or oral?

Nope

Wow how things have changed.When I had my last baby 30 year ago we were encouraged to have had sex by our post natal appointment at 6 weeks, to be sure that everything was working ! That’s why I love mumsnet, it keeps me up to date.

I had a 3rd degree tear but seemed to heal very quickly and had sex about after about 8 weeks, but very sporadically after that. It was uncomfortable for several months, but finally feels normal again at 9 months postpartum.

Go easy on yourself! Theres no rush and you should never feel pressured. Go slow, plenty of lube, dont worry if it takes a few attempts.