DH still isn’t right after traumatic birth in May

[2ManySweets]

This is so outing but hey ho

We have three under 4; the youngest is 7mo.

I was ill with a cardiac condition at 35w back in May and was in hospital for a week - just as we moved to the other end of the UK leaving my husband to look after our two toddlers.

My daughter was delivered early at 37w and was in SCBU and we left hospital 9 days later. We thought she may die or be brain damaged. My husband saw a lot of upsetting stuff like the ventilator being shoved down her throat when she was 48h old and lumbar punctures etc.

He and I have drifted apart quite radically these past few months and he is now treating me like I’m on the periphery of the family since I went back to work and he chose to be a SAHD until Jan.

He’s also telling me stupid little lies about stupid things like where my Christmas gift came from and is starting to try and organise absolutely everything in the home to the nth degree. It’s suffocating and I have no voice now.

Things came to a head on Xmas day and he effectively said he was struggling but seems to be trying to devolve responsibility for me feeling angry about him treating me like a halfwit back onto me by telling me he’s having to do everything as I’m so tired all the time.

This is 100% not the case and we have a good balance of chores/pitching in when the other is knackered etc.

Have any of you had a serious drift with your DH after a traumatic delivery and how did it rectify?

DH isn’t against counselling but certainly seems to have no plans to examine it, instead claiming that going for a cycle clears his head - even though he finds excuse after excuse not to go when I’m telling him to.

It could be a protective emotional barrier he has erected and feels more in control blocking you out. I think the SAHP often finds the working parent upsets their routine or way of doing things. You mention dh will be a SAHP till January so what changes with regards to childcare will take place?

What sort of things does he say/do to push you out? Is this the first time he's shown this sort of behaviour or has he done it in the past?

It could be a protective emotional barrier he has erected and feels more in control blocking you out

That registers with me powerfully. Actually need to try and drink that in: it’s absolutely bang on.

Yes he’s guilty of this type of behaviour in the past: he goes into ultra control mode when life gets chaotic; it’s been the same after every one of our babies but that’s been for a few weeks, this time it’s been 7+ months and counting and it’s making me really resent him. 2019 has been an unbearable stress; we went from a house sale fall through to offer-exchange-completion in 10 weeks which is why things have been not cool since about Feb but getting steadily worse since May.

We have been though a lot in our 5 years together and I love and trust him but I hate him for the stupid Christmas lie and him now making me feel like a spare part in my own life for (HAVING TO) go back to work.

I’m so sorry OP, it does sound like the trauma has brought out the element of control in him. I can identify with that as I do similar since experiencing a trauma and severe illness close together when I was young. I had severe OCD for a couple of years after. I have recovered now, but during stressful times my OCD tends to rest it’s head again, though I have never let it rule me like it did the first time. Importantly though I recognise what is happening, understand it’s a need for control to help me feel safe and take action.

I know you said you had to go back to work, but can your husband consider switching roles and look at going to work instead? I say this as I think he possibly has too much thinking (obsessing) time being at home and being busy in a work environment would keep him from being able to obsess and overthink things, it might also help him feel more in control.

I also would advise that you don’t let him get away with these behaviours. I say this as when I went through my initial bout of OCD my ex was very indulgent of my behaviour which really wasn’t good for me. It would have been better if he had called me out and told me to stop. Don’t let him push you out of your own family, the family you work hard to support and provide for. You can still be sympathetic to his struggle without putting up with his shitty behaviour.

Sorry your going through this

Have you told him you feel blocked out?

I have yes; he’s making all the right noises in a way but it’s like he’s just paying lip service.

He was back to “redoing” everything “correctly” on the 26th. Crunch talk was the 25th.

It sounds like he was very traumatized by seeing you both close to death and the experience of possible death, him alone with the other children and how, in a heart beat everything can change and he had no control over any of it. I would think that after the elation and relief of your recovery those experiences need to be processed.

As a stay at home dad he will have a daily "grind" that is exhausting without any outlet for letting all of that go. As the stay at home parent (I am one) you have to be "on" all the time. There is no room for your own frailty.
Even understanding your frustrations OP, I t sounds to me like this guy some compassion and kindness.

*Excuse 1st sentence! Needed to edit!

He may possibly have PTSD with both you and your baby being dangerously ill. Maybe he could do with some counselling?

What do you want to change to make you feel involved? Start from that point and make time to talk it through with him. Write it down and remind him if he steps in to your ‘area’. Insist he has down time and make sure you do too. You are a team so tell him that. Maybe he needs counselling as an individual or both of you as a couple but in the meantime keep communicating and this involves listening to each other, empathising with each other and being honest.

What do you want to change to make you feel involved?

I think I don’t want to be last to the party anymore when “family” decisions are being made and I’m tired of endless new “systems” being in place by DH and expected to remember what this week’s new thing is.

I am trying hard to approach this with compassion; it’s just easy for me to feel blind rage about just how he is rn.

This is the first time I feel really at odds with him and it’s quite upsetting. For the first time I’ve found myself thinking “fuck you, you’re not on my side at all”.

Dd is 12. Dh and I were both traumatised by her birth. It took me ages to get help for me. He was basically overlooked.
Contact the Birth Trauma Association. I wish I had done so back then. It was a long road alone and we still have reverberations now and then.

I have really felt this at times, especially for the year and a half after our DC1s birth. It was awful. My DH has OCD, so I was expecting it to get worse but omg it got awful. It was exactly as you’re describing and was insulting and degrading and horrible. Our situation culminated in an ultimatum as along with this he began drinking to cope and it all got out of hand. I said he’d shown his choice by continuing to not listen to me so that was it, we’ll love separate lives, I’ll have DC one weekend day and 3 evenings a week, then we’ll swap the next week. But on days ‘off’ we don’t communicate. It fully shook him and things were much better, almost normal. I still hated what I’d lost of my first few months of being a mum (wasn’t even allowed to make a sandwich at one point). We decided to have DC2, things have been a bit rocky at moments but this time I’ve nipped things in the bud as soon as I felt he was spiralling. This time I wrote a letter as it was too painful to discuss, this time explaining that what I thought was PND developing, I actually realised was his effect on me. Sad but true. Again, it shocked him as her didn’t realise his MH effected anyone else’... 🙄, again things have been much better since. I’d just say be as honest about the situation as possible and if you’re nearing breaking point let him know xxx

I’ll have DC one weekend day and 3 evenings a week, then we’ll swap the next week

That’s quite a decent solution as it democratically shares the load but my DH will not - with the best will - get out and leave me to it.

We have had another chat; he’s actually bought a new mountain bike and is selling his other one which he doesn’t like in a committed move (it seems) to just GOING and DOING without floating round the house “managing” everything to infinity and beyond.

Appreciate everyone’s input, especially a PP who mentioned contacting the Birth Trauma people. Twelve years is a hella long time to carry that pain.

Sounds like trauma. Consult an EMDR and UKCP registered therapist. EMDR can just be a short course of treatment and works very well for trauma.

Sounds like he is just not coping with being a SAHD, with all the chaos involved in having 3 very young children. He is trying to extremely control his environment when in reality he needs to relax and accept some chaos and just go with the flow, getting the basics done. I'll bet he doesn't feel the joy of parenting because he is too busy trying to make everything conform around him to routines, behaviour, tidiness, etc. It is miserable living with someone who sucks the joy out of everything if it isn't 'just so' and it will be incredibly stressful for children growing up in that environment who never feel like they live up to his expectations. Right now they will just be confused and probably not having much fun.

My solution would be to get him back to work. And get him to the GP to discuss whether he has anxiety or depression. SAHD is not suiting him or you and will ruin your marriage.

I say this assuming he isn't just a controlling arse in general, and that this is new behaviour.