Death of sex life. What do I do?

[Judy2019]

I have no one to talk to irl about this and I know many people on here are going through a similar thing, so here goes.
My dh has diabetes and has never really taken care of himself, not overweight but unhealthy diet, irregular meals etc.
He also drinks and smokes, not huge amounts maybe 2 cans a night and 5 fags.
I have been on at him for years but nothing changes and I knew that one day I would be in this position.
Hes never been particularly interested in sex, maybe 1-2 times a month. I have adjusted my needs to accept this. He is very affectionate and loving.
Over the last couple of years he has needed viagra but this has stopped having any effect. The doctor gave him a different tablet to try and we gave it a go last night...no effect at all.
I'm just left feeling that this is it now and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that.
Hes panicking that I'm going to leave him and that he wouldn't blame me as I'm younger than him. This is really upsetting.
I should also add that he uses porn, I'm not sure how often. I've turned a blind eye as I thought it might help his libido. But now I'm worried that he will keep looking at porn and in that way his needs will be met, mine wont!
I dont want us to split up but is it enevitable in this situation? I just cant imagine years of no sex. I'm also quite resentful of the fact that he has not looked after himself therefore causing this situation. I'm 43 hes 50.
Any advice would be great. Thanks

One thing I found useful with a previous partner who had problems with this, is a vibrating hollow strap on. www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/strap-ons/hollow-strap-ons/ Because it vibrates, it's stimulating for him, too.

Ok, so he could passively let you suffer until he loses you while doing a 'woe is me' or its time to step up and do something about it. Better the latter, but to do that you can help him by avoiding laying the blame at his door. What's done is done, but these health issues can be reversed. I know people who have reversed their diabetes by changing their lifestyle - by keto dieting.
He'll need positive reinforcement when he makes good choices although it's going to be tempting to tut when he slips.
Given there is only 7 years between you, you could benefit at the same time from being as involved in the lifestyle changes required.
Meantime, it's good that he's still affectionate, there are many other to be done in the bedroom that can still meet your needs - he has hands, a tongue that I take it all work? It by no means has to be the end of your love life.
Ditch the fags - if only 5/day shouldn't be too impossible. Go out for walks in the evenings together rather than using a can to relax. Find a physical activity you can do together, all this will bring you together. Good luck

Thanks open, good advice. I'm actually starting the keto diet next week, I told him it was good for diabetes and he should try it too, he just laughed at me and said good luck! Hes never taken his health seriously. Hes only ever managed 4 days off the drink and fags. We have a dog so do walk daily.
My needs are met in other ways from time to time but it upsets me I cant turn him on in the same way

@Interestedwoman Iook like a good idea, I'm not sure how he'll feel about it! Will suggest it tho, thanks

Watching porn has nothing to do with his health surely OP? He obviously has a sex drive if he is enjoying porn/wanting to see it. As has been pointed out- there are many ways to have sex that don't require his ere tion but there seems toma common theme here whereby everything really revolves around his needs and yours don't bother him.

I think it's a shame that you sound so caring and care so deeply about how he feels but he doesn't make any effort to alter the situation for you or your relationship, either by looking after/improving his health or by stopping his use of porn, which is surely hurtful if he prefers that to real intimacy. The breakdown of the relationship sounds like his doing and I think it's hard to come back from resentment if the behaviour isn't changing.

I am not sure I'd want to be with a heavy drinker/smoker/porn consumer who doesn't care enough about anything to stop. It isn't attractive. Him trying to pre-empt you leaving by making you feel guilty about doing so says a lot. Ultimately he wants things to stay as they are, but keep you, how that makes you feel seems again to be a bit irrelevant.

If he won't change you need to decide whether you will be happy like this long term OP, if not then sadly surely you'll all pay the price for his attitude.

Over the last couple of years he has needed viagra but this has stopped having any effect. The doctor gave him a different tablet to try and we gave it a go last night...no effect at all.

I should also add that he uses porn, I'm not sure how often. I've turned a blind eye as I thought it might help his libido.

Does he use viagra (or equivalents) when using porn, or is the ED issue just when he's having sex with you?

No I'm pretty sure he doesn't use it for porn, the tablets dont mysteriously go missing. We talked about it a year or so ago, he said he gets aroused mentally but not physically by porn. I've told him we need to sit down and have a proper talk about things. That will be one of my questions!

'good idea, I'm not sure how he'll feel about it! Will suggest it tho, thanks'

A lot of men are like that but that's 'wrong' of them IMHO. They should be thinking of their partner's needs rather than their own ego.

Using it also sort of makes some blokes feel like they are successfully having penetrative sex, which can give them a psychological boost if they haven't been able to for a long time, and are accepting of the fact rather than group a) above who don't want to face it.

I've been somehow unlucky with my choice of partners I think, and have too much experience of the problem lol.

Oh and- the next idea from the urologist/specialist might be to give him a pump. These can work quite well with a bit of time/effort.

Coming back to this thread as nothing has really changed, although he has given up smoking!
I suppose I'd put it to the back of my mind and told myself it wasn't all that important, we have a good relationship otherwise. My libido has been pretty much non existent for a while anyway and I've been having problems of my own (fibroids) .
Anyway, things kind of crept up on me last night.
We were watching a programme which had a sex scene in it. Suddenly I realised that I really do miss sex, I don't think I can live the rest of my life without it.
At the end of the programme he suddenly suggested we go to bed and gave me 'the look'.
We went to bed, he basically gave me a bit of a feel up, said nothings going to happen you know, gave me a peck on the cheek, told me he loved me and went to sleep!!!!!
So bloody frustrated 😠

How awful for you. Have you tried counselling, either together or alone?

Nothing has changed in over 2 year's....you need to ditch him

It's over op.

I'm also in a sexless relationship and understand how you feel. It is soul destroying.

Not to put too fine a point on it: if this never gets any better, which it probably won't, are you willing to stay? Are you up for nursing him through the less picturesque effects of poorly managed diabetes?

Bit of a feel up, then not bothering to keep going with his hand / tongue until you have cum seems just lazy
Giving you the look then starting to turn you on then just stopping shows he is not bothered about your pleasure
If we start making love and I think I may not have recovered full (maybe from the mornings session) I would alway do my very best to make sure Mrs F has cum first takes the pressure to perform away if it’s not going to work
As woman can generally cum a few times in quite quickly I usually make sure Mrs F has cum at least once first as I want her to have the totally fucked feeling I get not the sort of partly satisfied from a half effort
Does he want you to have a lovely time in bed

Alright @Freddy12 we get the idea thanks