Feeling really down

[threesecrets]

DH came back from his mums today. I've posted before about her being a narcissist and a hoarder.
I asked him to not bring loads of junk back with him (she always tries to foist it on him) and he said he wouldn't.
On the way back he reassured me it was one small box and some books. I asked him to check the box before bringing it back and he said he couldn't as there wasn't much room. Later on he says she might have snuck stuff in. I get back and see that she has send a very large box of junk (broken tennis balls, a broken sun hat, some sort of tent, boxes of plastic bricks covered in mouse poo? Incontinence wipes, plastic bags, old T shirts, 4 pairs of dirty size 3 ladies walking boots (non of us have those size feet!), cricket bats and old wooden style tennis rackets, and 20 books. Etc

The most annoying thing is that there are some actual nice things that are sentimental to my DH in the box but everything is mixed up together Unsorted.

I got so furious. The books are fine but the junk why? I've been trying to clear out our own garage and now most of our skipbag is going to be filled with this junk or my file wasted going to the charity shop. My husband then gets so cross and says I'm being controlling. I don't mine him bringing back a few things from MIL but this is taking the piss. It's a massive trigger for me. I've had such a lovely Christmas with my parents and now I've come back home and feel so sad.

She does this everytime he goes and even seems to take pleasure in knowing it upsets me. She will send me emails saying I hope I got the so and so.

I've bagged up a lot of the crap but I feel so stressed now w it h the whole ordeal.

It's annoying but why does it make you sad? Why's it a 'trigger'?

It's just some old junk...she's perhaps got a hoarding issue? Maybe she finds it hard to throw things away and uses you and her son as a soft way to get rid of things.

Just chuck it in the bin and laugh about it!

Tell your husband to throw the junk away on his way home. Why is it always your time taken up to sort it out, get it to the charity shop etc? Why doesn't he do it? It's his mum's stuff not your mum's.

Failing that just bin it all immediately. Don't bother sorting through it just chuck it out. If he has an issue with that then he can sort it - within a time frame that doesn't involve the junk being in your garage or home for ages. If it's still there after 3 days then don't raise a conversation about it, just bin it.

My exh DGM used to do this.

I would cheerily thank her and then chuck it into the dumpster on the way home. If she asked about it I would cheerily assure her that we were getting ever so much use out of it, etc. And change the subject...

Why do you feel so embroiled in this one op? Am I missing something? Surely you just chuck it away...?

Get him to take the shit back

Just chuck it in the bin? I don’t understand. I get it is annoying but why the drama? Two minute job. Bin.

My in-laws sent us a truck of junk ( not kidding) so I get where you are coming from and why it’s upsetting. I felt like I was in quick sand - spending my weekends trying to sort out our own junk and meanwhile more than I am chucking out is flowing back in

Give him a week to decide what he wants and say whatever isn’t put away is going in the bin. Then bin it in exactly 7 days. Best not to waste energy even thinking about other people’s (literal) crap

Thank you.
I can't just Chuck it in the bin as there is a LOT of stuff. I think it's upset me as he promised me it was just a small box of old toys and the books. That made me think that it was easy to take to the charity shop today but it isn't. If I tried to put it in the bin my wheely bin would be full up and still more left. Also some stuff is sentimental so would feel bad. Anger is somewhat at him (for not saying no) but also at her.

It's a trigger for my anxiety. I haven't been to her house in over 4 years because of the state of it. It really stresses me out. She IS a hoarder.
I spent a long time a few years back ' a few years back I realised that I had issues getting rid of stuff and so I embraced and succeeded in Marie Kondoing' our house and now try to be really careful about what we bring into our house.

Both she and you suffer from anxiety but it's manifesting in opposite ways. She can't get rid of anything without giving it to someone else (which means, to her, that it's not been 'wasted') and that's why she emails you to check you've got it. It's not to annoy you - it's to ease her anxiety.

You get anxious about how you're going to chuck all this away and how full your bins are.

Both of you are finding it all difficult so try to go easy on both her and yourself without putting your poor dh as piggy in the middle.

Her dh isn’t piggy in the middle. He shouldn’t take his mum’s problem and turn it into his wife’s problem.
He could divert to the skip on the way home and chuck the stuff he’s not keeping, problem solved. Mum won’t know and wife won’t get upset. Tah dah

He shouldn’t take his mum’s problem and turn it into his wife’s problem.

Tell him this and give a time frame for HIM, not you, to sort it out.

Thanks all. The thing is he won't take responsibility so even if I don't want it, it does become my problem. Even salvageable stuff takes up my time eg a board game for DD that has been stored goodness knows where needed me to wipe down the utter filth. If I'd been there I would have cleaned it before packing it. Common sense surely! His DB is there now and has had to go to the chemist as the dust and dirt in her house has flared his asthma. I won't ever ever go back to her house as it stresses me out so much so bringing her crap here just brings it all back to me. I'm not mega tidy etc by any means also!!