DP and his lies

[fropper1]

I've been with DP for almost 4 years. He uses coke occasionally and I hate it. Told him to stop but he hasn't, a few weeks ago I told him I knew he had been to a dealers he refused to admit he had and turned the discussion round on me and that I'd been snooping.
Our relationship is great apart from this ( I am aware it sounds far from great from this post but it is) and I'd say he does it a couple of times a month. The issue is the lies around it and now I'm struggling to trust him at all, if he can lie about this then he can lie about anything.
Anyway, I have decided that tomorrow I'm going to have a proper discussion about it and tell him I'm not prepared to accept being lied to, it's making me anxious and I'd rather be single if he doesn't stop it.
My problem is I find it really hard because of my anxiety to bring things up and get my point across. I am looking for advice on how to broach and word things please!! Not just LTB, that's my last resort if I can't sort it

Make notes in bullet points now and keep adding things you forget until you decide to speak to him.
This means, when your anxious and emotional, your mind wont go blank.

Good luck with this my partner is exactly the same. Nothing I say gets through to him and it’s a joke. He minimises it to be me kicking off coz he’s having a drink with his mates but don’t see why I have to explain all the time what he has done wrong when he already knows, he’s just making a mockery of me.

You could try saying that your at your wits end now and if he doesn’t buck his ideas up then in the new year there will be big changes (if you don’t feel confident enough to say he will be leaving/you will be splitting up) I’ve had the same argument with my partner tonight coz I’ve just had enough. Rather be alone than be treated like a mug.

Sadly, I don’t think they will change. They have their habits and ways of lying/hiding stuff from you so he will just get better at hiding stuff. I’d be looking for a way out if I was you

Agree with cream5. Do your very best to stick to your main point. Don’t let it unravel into an argument about anything else. Just state your feeings about this situation and then consider his response and if that’s something you can accept in the long term.
Make a note of your points and then do tour best to practise mindfulness and not let yourself obsess about it on this until tomorrow.

Thank you for all your replies!! I confronted him about it. I've been putting it off for over a week. I told him I want it to stop and asked if it's a problem. He said it's not an addiction but a habit. I've stressed that it's making me feel sick and anxious and if I can't trust him about that then I can't trust him about anything. He agreed and promised that he wouldn't ever touch it again.
He's apologised profusely and thanked me for bringing it up and promised to put our relationship first. All I can do now is hope he's telling the truth?

I think he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. If he has a coke habit, I wish you luck.

Never try to have a relationship with a alco, gambler, dope smoker or cokehead.

The longer you're with them, the more of your time you're wasting.

Also blaming people, and trying to change the focus to snooping - when the snooping had confirmed the other person's instinct that something's up (same with cheating) is irritating as fuck.

People who take coke love coke. They love coke more than anything else in their lives. They will sacrifice everything because coke is their true love.

You will always come second. Nothing you do can ever change that, so it doesn't matter what ultimatums you give. If he seems to stop taking it he is lying, because he loves it more than you.

Stop 'hoping'. The only reason you are anxious is because you are scared that he might actually tell you that you are not his first love and that he chooses the coke. Thing is - he has already chosen the coke. You have been dumped, he is unfaithful, and you can spend the rest of your life anxiously doing the pick me dance over a white line.

You only need to decide what you are going to do about it. This is your life in your hands. He has made his choice. You have the power to choose what you want.

I would end the relationship. Agree with Haffiana
Constant lying is par for the course with cocaine users.

Thank you, I take all your advice on board. I'm prepared to give him a chance, he knows I've left a shitty marriage in the past so am fully capable of going it alone if I need to so I am serious, it has to stop.
I'm pretty clueless when it comes to drugs, never touched them so I'm not aware how addictive coke is and if people really can just 'dabble'!

why would you give him yet another chance ? you're simply approving his addiction/use ?

People definitely can just dabble with Coke,I used to and so did many of my friends at the time ,it never led to any addiction either.Its generally used recreationally as a livener on a night out,anything more that that occasionally shouldn't really be happening,as its expensive unless youre selling it to pay for your night too.

Oh dear God, he’s lying! Lying works for him because it stops you challenging his behaviour. He knows you well enough to know lying to you gets you to STFU.

Why oh why did you start a relationship with someone who does something you don’t like? Was ‘persuading’ him to stop part of the project? The problem with ‘if it wasn’t for this just one this thing, our relationship would be perfect’ type reasoning is that the ’one thing’, always leads to a second or a third. Now that ‘one thing’ has a sibling and it’s called lies.

Good luck but falling for the mythical future version of your bf is silly and is the self imposed hook to hang your self on.

Why are you at all accepting this for yourself?. Is this all you think you are worth or deserve?.

Trying to even change one aspect of character is hard enough, hoping that someone else will change their behaviour is an exercise in futility.

You left a shitty marriage and have now ended up in a shitty relationship. How many chances did you give your ex too, probably way too many. Are you repeating the same behaviour now with this man?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Your boundaries in relationships, weakened already by being in a shit marriage, have and are been further eroded by this man you are currently shackled to. Your codependent nature and naivety re drugs anyway are also being used against you here.

He was never yours to rescue and or save. You cannot rescue and or save this man with his cocaine addiction and you trying to act as his rescuer or saviour here will not work. You're really now being dragged down with him. How much lower will you yourself fall before the scales fall from your eyes?.

Coke isn’t like nicotine it’s not a physical addiction it’s psychological.

You can just dabble in coke, I know because me and my friends did it recreationally as a late teenager. We would do it when we went out but I wouldn't touch it other times. It always made me feel confident and that I liked myself. I think that's the feeling a lot of these people are chasing. But this is neither here or there. I haven't touched drugs since I was 19 and tbh, I can't believe I ever did. Foolish to thing to do.

The fact is lies kill a relationship. And right now he could be lying to you again.
The problem is you don't know that but is this a gamble you are willing to take?

I absolutely hate liars. Winds me up so much.

Which is more damaging, the lies you tell yourself or the lies he tells you?