Love you but not in love

[TennesseeGuy]

A couple of weeks ago my DP dropped this bombshell on me. Like a typical guy, this came completely out of the blue for me but clearly she was very far gone and had been thinking about this for some time.

We are great friends, great together, highly compatible and don't argue. But physically we have been neglecting each other for years. I didn't manage to read any of her cries for help and I've basically let her down so many times that she's now stopped wanting anything sexual from me.

She wants out of the relationship, preferring to be alone - but I am and have always been crazy in love with her. I feel so stupid to not have been showing it in the right way, but instead showing it through doing kind things for her all the time.

We have a daughter who is 5 years old.

When she had the conversation with me, she expected me to say I felt the same and that I was with someone else already. When I told her how I feel she was shocked to hear I see her that way any more. I told her I wanted to try to solve this because she had believed I was already gone and that couldn't be further from the truth. She was reminded of how we used to be and agreed to try.

Now we're trying, and we're taking baby steps of hugging and kissing, but she is entirely switched off sexually. I can handle that for now, I can be patient, but I can't quite picture how we can re-ignite that part of us. She has built up an emotional wall in self-preservation. Even the hugging and kissing varies from day to day. Sometimes she backs off from even doing that. Other days we can be quite intimate, but never sexual.

I would welcome any suggestions on what I can or should do. I am fully aware I created this problem and feel incredibly ashamed to have hurt the woman I love in this way. All I want is to rebuild our relationship, but I fear she may be too far gone.

My husband could have written this.
I am so sorry you are going through this - seeing the person you love slipping away from you. It must be so hard.
I have been thinking about it - what could my husband do for me to switch back on? And I can't think of anything. So sorry.

I think one thing in our favour is that we are both really enjoying being close again. It feels like over time this will increase / evolve.

It's doesn't feels wrong or awkward. She has specifically mentioned this as a positive.

The other thing is she really does love me, and we were very much 'in love' before, and that gives me hope we can find it again. Right now she doesn't want out as she is giving the relationship her full effort.

I'm hoping that over time the trust will be regained and we can be vulnerable again.

Is it possible she thinks you're only reintegrated because of sex? You mention getting love back on track but you only mention physical intimacy...

Have you guys read about the Five Love Languages? Maybe there are other things you can do, beyond building up to the inevitable, that could help in other aspects of your relationship?

Other than that, I guess just time, and therefore patience.... I hope you both re-find your happiness together!

Communicate
Look up Daily Temperature Reading, it’s a great communication tool, especially for couples.

You need to have adventures together. Do something a bit risky (not stupid, just something that makes you feel really alive and connected. )

And yo need to flirt with her. I adore DH but his idea of flirting is making awful innuendoes. It turns me off. It actually repulses me. Real flirting is eye contact, concentrating a lot on what the other person is saying, making them feel like you are excited to know what they think, what they might say next. I'd do that for a week or two.

Make sure you look and smell good. Wear the kind of clothes you know she likes, a scent you know she finds sexy, etc but don't jump on her. Give her a bit of time to find you attractive again.

@TrueRefuge I only mention physical intimacy because we have everything else (now). We have regained emotional intimacy, and the lack of that was the key to the physical intimacy having been lost. We have discussed the 5 love languages and we actually do well in all 5 categories. Within the physical touch category, we are doing a lot of the small things.

Now, however, the only barrier left is sexual intimacy (not necessarily sex, any sexual touch) - and in my heart I know that's the difference between her feeling like I'm a friend vs I'm a lover. It's the difference between us having a future or not.

We both desperately want her to want me again sexually, and realize that since the barrier took time to build, it'll take a very long time for it to be removed (if ever).

The sad thing is, we both don't really know how to do this. We assume time, patience, consistency, rebuilding trust, keeping up communication and treating each other well, followed by counselling - but it feels like a pretty rock solid wall. I get the feeling that every time we're close and this feeling doesn't change, it sets us both back and makes us feel it may not be solvable.

Like a PP my husband could have written this also.

We are on the road to trying to get all the differing levels of intimacy back. The sexual intimacy will be the last thing that comes, and it will take the emotional connection being there consistently, for it to do so.

The positive steps you are taking now on all the other levels need to become normal, habitual, everyday life, she needs to subconsciously be confident in that, that those things are sincere and here to stay, for the sexual spark to be reignited. Don't slip back into old ways.

It may be too far gone, and with the best will in the world and desire to want it to come back, it may still not do. But you need to consistently act with faith that it WILL. It will be hard on both of you, but that is the best chance you've got, and you will need to be very patient. Good luck.

Just an update: it's becoming really difficult to cope with the rejection. To try and act consistently in the face of barriers is really damaging my mental well being.

It's not all bad, we're both making an effort. Some days have even been great, but they are always followed by a backtrack the following day. It often feels like it's going backwards even if it isn't. At some point, without any evidence that the core feelings are changing you start to feel more and more like a doormat. I have moments where I'm on the verge of just walking out.

Ah OP don’t give up, stick with it. Maybe agree that sexual intimacy is off the table for X weeks, so there is no fear of rejection, but keep on with everything else?

I don't say this unkindly OP, but you sound like a total doormat.

Your partner has said "I don't want sex with you any more" and you've fallen over yourself trying to change her feelings.

Just stop. She may eventually realise that the grass isn't greener, but in the meantime your subservience is a massive turn off. (unless you're d/s?)

Just leave.

I think it takes time and patience to build up the connection again. Dont put her under pressure re intimacy. Do things you used to enjoy when you first met. Can you do an activity together? Me and DP have just started dancing lessons was fun and intimate in a way without pressure. I know its not easy when you have a DD to take care of but you need time for just the two of you.

I hope you do your fair share of housework/childcare as that helps someone feel loved!

Hey guys, so I didn’t give up (I never would have if I’m honest) but I did find the real reason for what happened: there is another guy. A guy she is limerent for. A guy who she already knows deep down she doesn’t have a future with but she is addicted and he has all of her emotional focus.

I can’t compete with the novelty, high and escape of a new guy - but now suddenly the coldness makes so much more sense. We definitely had issues before so it’s not like the affair has done all the damage, but it’s made it that much harder to repair.

She says she still wants to try and is prioritizing our relationship. But her actions say otherwise and I’m pretty sure she can’t control it even if she wanted to.

I'm sorry to hear your news Tennesseguy. That must be a real blow for you. Although she knows nothing can come from the other man. What will you do? Wait for it to pass (and it might), wait for her to act upon it, or leave (for a while or permanently) and let her figure out her feelings?
You head must be in turmoil.

I think you need to let her go. She has left emotionally already so there isn't really anything left. Don't waste your time trying to get back what you once had as it won't come back and you will end up spending years trying and being bitter when it doesn't work.

You sound a really nice guy OP. It sounds like she has to do some work now to see if this is something she can overcome. Don't be too much of a doormat...it will be hard for her to find feelings of attraction again for you again if you are.

Focus on yourself as well, your own interests, don't just revolve around her. It will make you stronger and prepared if there is a breakup and could help restore more interest and respect for you from her.

Thank you both. She has left emotionally already, and I think it’s really hard for us to get it back now.

However, since this all happened we have actually bonded in a way which we hadn’t ever before - we’re more open and honest now, we’ve done things since d-day that we never did previously - and we have gone through and really understood past issues and bitterness.

She has said that if it wasn’t for meeting this guy, we would be in a much stronger position to repair the relationship now. I believe it wasn’t 100% dead before, just on life support.

She told me she directly compared the limerence feeling to her feelings for me and I think that has distorted her impression of how bad we were. It’s also been a way of rationalizing the cheating. But of course no long term relationship will ever compare to that feeling, no matter how good or bad the relationship is.

So I don’t think we can get what we had before but it does feel like if she got past the other guy (by realizing why she did it, realizing it’s fantasy and not reality) we could build a better relationship.

But I know nothing I do can cause that to happen. So I may end up leaving for a few weeks. I think by continuing the normal home life I’m actually strengthening the affair as it’s forbidden, is an escape, and doesn’t have to be everything else that I provide to her. Perhaps that will shine a light on the cold, hard reality of why she’s done this.

We are also going to go to counseling.

In the nicest way I think you need to accept this is over. You're being treated like a doormat and just hanging on... you've become more of a friend to her. Keep your dignity and leave.