Feeling lost and stuck

[newmommababy]

It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short,
Me and my husband have been together for 12 years, we've been happy he cheated on me about 10 years ago but we got back together and eventually was happy again, we got married 3 years ago, we had a baby 6 months ago and he unfortunately passed away at 3 months old,

My whole outlook on life has changed since this, it's changed how I feel about life im general , I was happy settling for a job I wasn't happy in and settled for staying with my husband because he's a good man and we have a good life but I wasn't ever 100% happy, I still feel mad for taking him back sometime, not because I don't love him be mad at myself for feeling like a push over and just settling all the time,
I keep thinking about leaving my husband I want some time to be on my own to see who I am now, to find out what I want from life now, he wants more children but that very thought terrifies me right now, I just want a break from my life, but I'm worried if I say that he will think i don't love him anymore and we won't ever get back to how we once were, I feel so lost and sad and scared about my future, I always had it planned out In my head but now I don't see anything

Thankyou x

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. This is a profound loss in anyone's life so you bound to feel raw and lost and without direction right now..and very scared of the future

Maybe you could talk to your husband about needing some time now to grief before anything else

I would recommend counselling ...someone outside the family to talk to and work through things with

You are on a journey and it will take time to heal and understand where you are going.Give yourself that time
You dont necessarily need to be alone ...you just need guidance and help. You have been through a major trauma

P.S.

Be very kind to yourself always

Thankyou for replying,
I am awful with counselling, we had some when our little boy passed away and I put on a front and hide my true feelings as I struggle to talk about my feelings face to face, I end up saying everything fine and I'm fine when it's not, I get so mad at myself over this,

I just feel like I want to run away for a while and just find me again, work out what I want, what I fear most is staying as I am just plodding along, then getting old and regretting ever trying to change and be happy,

I feel like I just scream inside my head everyday and whilst doing that I'm smiling to everyone on the outside x

I'll be 30 next year, all my friends have children I feel a panic to do the same, but I can't even think about that right now, I just feel so much pressure of what's expected x

In my experience running away does not help in the long run

As for counselling ...it does help if you trust the process and the counsellor...Find one you want to share with ,you can build trust with

You need to be able to process your feelings or you will stay stuck imo
Grief does strange things to people but there is no where to hide from it

You are screaming in your head becasue you cant let it out...

maybe get in touch with a group for parents who have lost a baby and sit and listen

Feelings are strange things ...if we dont process the sadness and pain we cannot feel the joy in life

Never mind what everyone else is doing...you are on your own journey

I no your right,
I have this idea in my head that I will have a break from my husband, do all the things I've wanted to do that the husband has no interest in doing, go see the places I want to see, just clear my head and then come back and see how I feel about things, I feel that's the only thing I can do to stop me thinking what if all of the time x