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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé has disowned his father

8 replies

Liitle · 27/12/2019 18:02

My darling Fiancé came home, a while back, having supposed to have had lunch with his father. According to my Fiancé he was done with his father. His F had started the conversation with he doesn’t want to ever see me again as I had been rude to the father’s girlfriend, at least twice, by blanking her. I have only met her twice, first time 7 yrs ago the second time last year, she came into a room, where I was with the fBIL adopted daughter. We were the only two in the room, at the time and the girlfriend completely ignored the two of us, leaving me answer a little girl’s questions if the girlfriend didn’t like me either. The fFIL went on to say he said I had been rude to him (which is not true), he thought I was going to marry his son only then take all his money, because that is what I had done before (also not true) and he won’t be coming to our wedding. My Fiancé said he astounded at his father and told him not to talk about me in this way, as I had done nothing but be nice to him and his family. The F started name calling and said, I was a cockroach. Apparently, then my fiancé lost his temper and told his father, if he wasn’t an old man, he would invite him outside and then went on to tell him a few home truths, including that none of his family or friends like his girlfriend, as she was a “manipulative lying ...”. He told his father, he was done and got up and left the restaurant.
All the photos of the fFIL have disappeared from around the house, my fiancé hasn’t spoken to him since, didn’t send his father a Christmas card and we are going to see his brother and family on a different day from his Dad.
I don’t know what to do. The rest of his family tell me, this is not me but that of the fFIL girlfriend. I love my fiancé so very much but I don’t want to be the cause of a rift between them.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2019 18:08

Why are you assuming blame? They are all adults and making their own decisions.

This is much more deep-rooted than you apparently ignoring her on two occasions.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2019 18:10

How long have you known your fiance?

It sounds as though his father is toxic. Or the fathers gf. If this is the case then it is a good thing that he is removing them from his life.

But...has your fiancé form for storytelling/exaggerations/lies? I only ask because it could be possible he is talking a lot of shit. Seems odd if you have been with him seven years that you have barely ever met his fathers gf.

Does what your fiancé is saying SOUND like something the father would say? Or does it sound like exaggeration?

LexMitior · 27/12/2019 18:17

Be careful. How committed are you to this man really? It is always a very bad sign to have conflict with parents in law before marriage. You will be signing up for this - think carefully if you can handle managing these intense kinds of emotions for decades, assuming you get married.

Liitle · 27/12/2019 18:22

I have been with my fiancé for 11yrs. The father has been with the GF for 7.
No, my fiancé is not prone to exaggerating or making stuff up. He is definitely not talking shit, it is just not him.
The reason for only meeting the GF twice, is because she frequently doesn’t turn up at family dos, often without letting people know. My fSIL says it is because the GF won’t be center of attention, so she doesn’t come. The GF has been invited to ours on numerous occasions with the fFIL and he turns up on his own, always with an excuse.

OP posts:
Whatisafrond · 27/12/2019 18:32

I don't think you are the cause of the rift between them, unless you are leaving out huge details, which I doubt.

It seems that your fFIL has chosen to prioritise his relationship with his GF over that of his children. It seems that your fSIL doesn't like her either on the basis of your second post, so it's not just your Fiance who isn't fond of her. It seems like the GF is determined to cause trouble.

It's also possible that fFIL was always a crappy parent anyway.

Most likely none of this is about you. It's most likely about your fFIL being controlling partly because of his GF or maybe because that is his nature. If your Fiance were with another women, she'd probably be going through the exact same thing you are now.

I think you should focus on being there for your Fiance who must be very hurt about all of this.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2019 19:18

Sounds like your partner is better of out of it then! It's actually good news that he isn't going to pander to any more drama, hopefully. Agree with pp, just be supportive. Certainly don't try to fix things between them.

Grumpelstilskin · 27/12/2019 20:46

WTF! Why are you even worried?! It sounds like a good outcome to not have this toxic bunch of shysters in your life. Be proud of your partner and support him in his great choice!

Liitle · 27/12/2019 22:59

Thank you for talking some sense to me. I thought, maybe, I was loosing the plot.
You are right. I am proud of my fiancé, I love him to bits and I will support him. I am also looking forward to being his wife and spending the rest of my life with him.

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