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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

book recommendations for my lovely friend - just left a 12+ years controlling relationship and looks to be heading for an affair with a married man

5 replies

morejumpingfrogs · 27/12/2019 16:19

We often recommend and swap non fiction books about various topics, so I'm hoping this will be a fairly non offensive way to help my friend with her self esteem.

She did so, so well leaving her not so 'D'H three months ago, but I'm really worried her self esteem is rock bottom and it looks like a married work colleague (with three kids) is poised to take advantage of that. They started chatting (they work in different offices, miles apart and have never met) when they started a work project together around the time she left her H. Now she tells me (during a slightly tipsy phone call on Christmas evening) he's going to leave his controlling wife for her but that it's 'complicated' and he hasn't started getting the divorce yet. She's talking about moving to his, really remote, part of the country miles from where we live when her current lease is up. I think he's taking complete advantage of the fact she's lonely and loving a bit of attention, but have so far managed not to bad mouth him because I don't want to put her on the defensive.

I'd suggest the Freedom Programme, but she doesn't seem to see herself (want to see herself?) as a domestic violence victim despite the fact she left her H because he was completely controlling. My very subtle hints that perhaps she should enjoy some time being able to do what she likes and enjoy the benefits of being away from her H for a while before dating have clearly fallen on deaf ears and I haven't wanted to push it and risk alienating her.

Luckily, Dfriend is quite into self help books so I'm hoping someone can recommendation one that will help her boost her self esteem and get some healthy boundaries in place. What I want to do is say that a friend or relative who was in a similar position to her said she found this book helpful, perhaps she will too.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2019 16:25

I would suggest she goes to therapy. Sounds like she needs it.

morejumpingfrogs · 27/12/2019 16:36

I agree! But like I say, at the moment she seems to have a mental block about the fact her H messed with her head so badly, despite it being bad enough to leave him. So tricky.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/12/2019 17:01

would something like this be of any use?

Or this maybe???

morejumpingfrogs · 28/12/2019 09:48

Thank you hells that second one sounds good - one click here I come

OP posts:
Dieu · 28/12/2019 10:52

She's lucky to have you looking out for her, as she sounds like a car crash to me.

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