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Original poster

Help - Dad planning arranged marriage

36 replies

dadsmarriage · 27/12/2019 14:59

I have just found out that my “D”F is planning to arrange a marriage for himself with a very much younger woman from abroad. I have seen some email evidence of this, between DF and a middle man. The emails are discussing how the Home Office will be suspicious because of the massive age gap, and how to make the visa application watertight so she can’t be refused.

I am just disgusted by him. My DP knows and doesn’t want anything to do with him again, so I’m going to have to confront this somehow. We have a family dinner arranged for NYE. I don’t think I can even look at him. How do I confront him about it? Is this even legal? I want to stop it, but I don’t know how to, or if it would get him into serious trouble if it’s illegal. I’m a bit in shock and rambling, but would appreciate any advice, or to know if anyone’s faced a similar revelation.

NC for this, but penguin bollards, elderly Korean Lady etc.

OP posts:
Ruderidinghood · 27/12/2019 15:46

Hi

As you may know there is a difference between a forced marriage and an arranged marriage. If the girl is if age and it is simply arranged (which means she has to be in agreement) then there isn't much you can do.

There is a charity run by a woman in the UK (if that's where you are) that helps girls escape if the marriage or proposed marriage is in any way forced. Give it a google. They may be able to help more.

X

Ruderidinghood · 27/12/2019 15:47

Of age that is meant to say.

Stressedout10 · 27/12/2019 15:52

You could inform the home office if you have any concerns regarding the marriage

Original poster
dadsmarriage · 27/12/2019 16:10

I am in the UK. I don't think it is a forced marriage, and hope it's not. Her age isn't clear, just that there is a "massive age gap." It is quite explicit that the woman will pay for my dad's plane fare to her home country and the marraige fees so she can get a visa. He's never met her. I'm worried it's a sham marriage and the trouble he'll get in for being involved. As well as just finding it repugnant.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 16:13

Inform the home office. They will investigate and at least look at if a crime has taken place (eg below age of consent/ forced marriage/visa marriage) etc

BedraggledBlitz · 27/12/2019 16:14

I wouldn't wait, I'd just say now that I know of his plans and am sickened by it, so the nye plans won't go ahead. Yuck.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2019 16:15

Is it possible that your DF is in anyway a vulnerable adult and is being taken advantage of?

An older man who lives close to me went through a similar marriage last year. He was very much a victim... he was rescued by police who were alerted by neighbours. The woman was removed and the middle men sought, though I don't think anything came of that!

CheesecakeAddict · 27/12/2019 16:16

If she is paying for all, I would expect it's for a visa. When is it all supposed to be happening?

Original poster
dadsmarriage · 27/12/2019 16:28

Is it possible that your DF is in anyway a vulnerable adult and is being taken advantage of?

He's not vulnerable in the sense he has dementia or isn't of sound mind. I am fairly sure the potential wife is trying to get a visa, and that he's hoping for something in exchange Envy. (Not envy.) So, both taking advantage of the other.

OP posts:
Original poster
dadsmarriage · 27/12/2019 16:31

When is it all supposed to be happening?
He's getting his documents in order to send to a solicitor (presumably in the other country,) "as soon as possible". No more exact timescale than that.

OP posts:
plumpmom · 27/12/2019 16:39

Maybe he’s lonely and this is his way of finding somebody to be with? I know lots of people who have had arranged marriages and are very happy but they’ve been done the right way through the family introductions system. His way seems desperate and dubious. Speak to him. Ask him why he’s doing this

PlasticPatty · 27/12/2019 16:39

Which 'other country'?
Is he buying property abroad in her name?

PineappleDanish · 27/12/2019 16:43

It doesn't matter if it's "forced" as in coerced or not. She's a much younger woman from a culture where women don't get a say in their lives who is being married off to a much older British guy in the hope of getting a visa so she can provide for her family at home.

OP I'd be disgusted too at men exploiting desperate women in this way.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 27/12/2019 17:18

My 70yr old uncle married a Russian lady in her 30s, so romantic Wink

I see it as a business deal between Two people, where they both go into this with their eyes wide open , and everyone knows what the deal is

Ruderidinghood · 27/12/2019 22:15

Just for clarity forced and/or co-erced is absolutely not the same as arranged. Arranged is when both parties are looking to get married and a meeting is arranged through families, friends, someone in the community etc. If you like one another you both agree to get to know one another with a view to marry.

Also, we do not know how much younger age is. For example, she could be 35 and he could be anything from 55 and up, which is very different to 16 vs 55 and up. "Much younger" doesn't mean much until we know the ages. I am assuming that it is more like the latter as OP is disgusted. It would be helpful to know a few more details but I understand OPs need for privacy.

OP here is the link for the charity I was telling you about. I suggest calling them or emailing them, they should be able to advise you very well:

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=www.supportline.org.uk/problems/forced-marriages/&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwibsIH_7NbmAhXIShUIHWwKCmoQFjAAegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw1F0_JtVgdsj9sedyJEb31j" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?q=www.supportline.org.uk/problems/forced-marriages/&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwibsIH_7NbmAhXIShUIHWwKCmoQFjAAegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw1F0_JtVgdsj9sedyJEb31j

In the meantime good luck and please update us.

Ruderidinghood · 27/12/2019 22:21

Sorry OP, I just read your response about her paying the ticket and your dad going over there. This sounds crazy - but could (if you are willing) one of you go with him? Also could one of you suggest a prenuptial agreement so in some way his assets are protected?

If the age gap is big- as I said she may be in her late 20's- and if they are both getting something out of it then there may not be a lot you can do, it's a business trasaction. I would still suggest protecting assets. Let us know how you get on.

emilybrontescorsett · 27/12/2019 22:30

It's a SHAM marriage.
She is using him to get a visa to stay in the UK .
It is liiegal.
Report it to the home office.
The middle man is also profitting, just as slavers do.

LauraMipsum · 27/12/2019 22:30

One of the criteria for entry clearance as a spouse is that the marriage is genuine and subsisting.

If it's a marriage that he has contracted via an online dating site and they're both keen (albeit he wants a younger woman and she wants the visa) then there's nothing you can do. However if there's a middle man then you are probably right to worry that it is a sham.

If you suspect a sham marriage you can report it here. www.gov.uk/report-immigration-crime

No crime has actually taken place unless or until she applies to enter (and even then, it's vanishingly unlikely that she would be prosecuted much less your DF, she would just be refused)

The risk is that if refused one way for him to prove that the marriage is genuine and subsisting would be for him to leave the UK and live with her in her home country.

I think you need a conversation with him about it.

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 27/12/2019 22:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

AnneElliott · 27/12/2019 22:34

This is quite common (I used to work for immigration) but the Home Office will likely refuse the visa if the entry clearance officer doesn't see evidence of a subsisting relationship.

One of the judges I used to appear before used to say to the men "you have 2 years (before the women get ILR and leave ) so make the most of it" Envy

TrueCrimeFan · 27/12/2019 22:37

Agree with others it is illegal and immoral whether forced or a sham wedding.

I would report your suspicions. Has he mentioned anything?

LauraMipsum · 27/12/2019 22:38

Anne spouses get a 2.5 year visa now, then have to renew at a cost of about £1k, then another 2.5 years, then can apply for ILR at another extortionate cost if they're still together 5 years on, so not quite so easy now.

Although if that was Hatton Cross I know exactly which judge you're talking about!

AnneElliott · 27/12/2019 22:54

It was Taylor House Laura but I think there were arseholes like him everywhere!

Time4change2018 · 27/12/2019 23:07

What country is she from ?
I'd report to HO. Not only from the point of view of SHAM, but also your Dads finances and also incase she is from a class A drug country where she could 'ask' him to carry a case back for her.
As much as it feels icky your Dad could be very vulnerable in this situation

Original poster
dadsmarriage · 28/12/2019 09:20

Thank you to people for taking the time to reply. I have some good advice and food for thought. I am going to report to HO, there doesn’t seem anything to lose in doing that. I have screenshots of emails showing it isn’t a subsisting relationship, and giving him pointers to retroactively make it appear as though it is. I think it’s enough to at least be looked into.

The third party my dad’s communicating with isn’t representing a dating agency, introductory service etc. It’s a private individual. They are in the UK, if that makes a difference.

I am going to confront him, but not until after NYE. I need to speak to my siblings and let them know what’s going on. He’s staying with one of them over Xmas and NY, leaving shortly after. I don’t want my sibling to deal with the fallout while he’s staying in their home.

The country is in SE Asia, but not the most obvious one.

OP posts:
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