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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating brother

15 replies

tiredsis101 · 27/12/2019 14:33

Dear all,

I'm at odds with what I should advise my brother- he's relying on me totally here. Should he tell his ex he cheated on her?

He told me he cheated constantly on his now ex who he did/does genuinely love.

They were perfect together when my bro told her some truths about his previous history (slept with 2 prostitutes), then she became bitter and she ended things. She genuinely loved him back and they were really committed to each other.

I on one hand think he should tell her because it might help her move on...but may make her in to an even more bitter person and actually be overall bad for her.

Or I think he should not tell her because he did the crime, he needs to do the time.

His guilt is eating him up,
What should I tell him to do?

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2019 14:37

Well GROW UP springs to mind.

What he wants to do will ease his conscience and upset her even more.

On the other hand, if you think there is any chance of them getting back together then YOU tell her. Save her further heartache

Original poster

tiredsis101 · 27/12/2019 14:40

There is a chance they will get back.

The only other issue they had was a cultural one. She wanted him to change his culture for her. He wants to change for her out of guilt of lying to her.

So he think he will change, tell her the truth, and they have a chance. He wants to try because he loves her.

OP posts:

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/12/2019 14:41

He has already hurt her hugely, why hurt her even more?-

"he cheated constantly on his now ex who he did/does genuinely love. " - spot the contradiction.

Betraying someone is not LOVING them. Sounds like she did the right thing, with the information she received about his attitude to women. She doesn't need to know he 'constantly cheated on her' to know he is a wrong 'un.

He needs some serious therapy to help him deal with his issues. Before he goes and destroys someone else's faith in humanity.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/12/2019 14:42

She should have all the information.
It's only fair to her.
She may consider taking him back in the future which would not be in her best interests.
If this is how he treats someone he 'genuinely loves' then he won't stop. She needs to know that so she can put it behind her and move on and find some happiness with someone who will treat her with love and respect. That person is not your brother!!!!
I would also tell her to get an STD/STI check, and fast!

Original poster

tiredsis101 · 27/12/2019 14:42

What therapy do you recommend? Like CBT?

OP posts:

DBML · 27/12/2019 14:43

The advice I would give him is:

Do not tell her anything else
Allow her to move on and find a decent human being to be with.
Get tested for STI’s before he dates anyone else. Yuk.

dontmentionbookclub · 27/12/2019 15:02

It sounds as if she might have an inkling already as she was quick to become 'bitter' about his past history, almost as if she could see what was currently going on with him - it maybe explained a lot of things to her and she spotted clues and signs of his cheating. Just because she didn't come out and say it, it doesn't mean she didn't sense it. She probably knew she would never get the truth out of him by that point. So my view is, be kind and don't tell her as it's bad enough for her already. I suppose if they might get back together that might change my view, because she needs to know the full picture of what he did to her to really make her decision about that, but if he is quite sure he won't do it again that maybe changes it as well. But would a serial cheater like him really change or just come sobbing to his ds again to involve her in it when he cheats again?

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2019 15:05

The advice I would give him is:

Do not tell her anything else
Allow her to move on and find a decent human being to be with.
Get tested for STI’s before he dates anyone else. Yuk.**

This

Guilt my arse, the chances of him screwing around if she foolishly took him back are huge. He repeatedly cheated on her, they weren’t acts of love that was selfish and disrespectful. Guilt is eating him up, the consequences of his shitty behaviour is making him feel sorry for himself.

If he loves her as much as he ‘says’ he does, he will leave her the hell alone and work on his shot before he craps on his next gf.

Meshy12 · 27/12/2019 15:07

What @DBML says

Don’t tell her to ease his conscience

but protect her without hurting her unnecessarily

Winniefred · 27/12/2019 15:50

Sounds like your Brother is trying to manipulate the situation for his own sense of guilt! He's a self entitled, self centred prat! He cheats, he sleeps around and uses female bodies as commodities to get his jollies! If you care anything for his ex as someone you like and if you care about females in general, the last thing you would want is for her to be anywhere near him.

If this was my Brother, (he wouldn't dare) he would be railed over the hot coals verbally and told to grow up, find some respect for the female population! My advice would be straight up in his face,
"Move on, she can do better than you mate & work to stop being a user, learn about care and respect for Women or get tae out of my and my daughters lives."

Suggest relationship counselling for himself alone and as another poster suggested ... an STI test before ever getting into a relationship in the future! He sounds like a potential wee narc in the making, there is a fine line between using and abusing ... he needs to recognise that or he is on the slippery slope!

Original poster

tiredsis101 · 27/12/2019 15:55

@Winniefred that's a good suggestion...I really want to just tell him what a shitty person he's been. I do care for her, she's a good girl.

What is a wee narc?

OP posts:

CooCooCoo · 27/12/2019 15:57

What a manky excuse of a man!

Interestedwoman · 27/12/2019 16:38

Most/part of his reason for telling her seems to be to make himself feel better. That's very selfish. I think if he told her he was cheating the whole time, it would just further damage her ability to trust in future relationships, and it would shock and hurt her that their relationship was a lie.

He should leave her alone to heal, and sort himself out, find out why he felt the need to cheat before he starts looking for another relationships, or he'll just go on to fuck up another woman.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/12/2019 16:50

What is a wee narc? = A narcissistic knob-head!

Ridiculousanx · 27/12/2019 16:56

I would want to know, personally. I'd really appreciate an ex coming clean.

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