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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marriage is over

10 replies

whatdoidowithmylifenow · 27/12/2019 14:19

NC for this

My husband (together 18 years - married 8) left me 4 weeks ago. We have 2 DC - ones 8 and ones 2.

I've been trying to get through a day at a time, just to get to Christmas. Now that Christmas is over I feel terrible knowing my family life is over.

He hasn't told the children yet, and I just can't bare to think about how they're going to take it.

How do I deal with this pain, whilst trying to take care of them and their emotional needs.

My life has been blown apart and I feel like I'm going to be buried by the weight of it 😢

OP posts:
SuperbMonkey · 27/12/2019 14:28

@whatdoidowithmylifenow, I’m so sorry to read this. You join a group of elite ladies in the same position. Have a look at the ‘Some Friendly Words It’s Over-Part 2 thread for fellow sufferers. There are some useful tips and kind thoughts there for women in our position. Also look at Runaway Husbands and chumplady websites.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/12/2019 14:37

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
The pain is awful.
The physical heartbreak.
The mental torture you put yourself through.
There are so many on here who have been right where you are.
It's horrendous. No doubt about it.
1st thing is to get some real life support around you.
Tell everyone. Lean on family and friends to get you through this difficult time.
Don't hide it and don't try to keep his secret.
You need support so get it.
Ensure you are there when he tells the DC.
None of this is your fault. Do not allow him to place any blame at your doorstep.

Take each day at a time for now.
Don't expect too much of yourself.
Try to keep it together in front of DC and cry when they are in bed.
You'll be amazed at how many tears you can cry.
Slowly but surely things will get better but that's a way off yet.
We've come out the other side. So keep posting.

Once you feel up to it, start doing some practical things.
Get to a solicitor as quickly as you can. Understand what separation looks like for you.
Find out what benefits you are entitled to.
Find out what maintenance you should be getting from him.
Right now, he's feeling guilt. That won't last for long though.

None of us can make you feel better right now but your family and friends want to help you.
But just know.... you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Look after yourself!!!!
((((HUGS)))))

ArranUpsideDown · 27/12/2019 14:41

He hasn't told the children yet, and I just can't bare to think about how they're going to take it.

Your children probably sense that this is happening so it might not be the shock that you think it is.

The sense of injustice at being left (involuntarily?) is overwhelming and the pain is beyond wretched. As ever with DC, it has to be from hour to hour to cope - sometimes from one minute to another.

Get all the support that you can - those are good pointers from SuperbMonkey

HouseworkAvoider10 · 27/12/2019 14:53

The ow will surface in time, so get yourself sorted financially and legally now, because he will take you to the cleaners.

Villageidiots · 27/12/2019 14:58

@HouseworkAvoider10 that is an unnecessary and cruel thing to say. Why write that when the OP needs support?

Whatdoidowithmylifenow · 27/12/2019 15:01

Thanks everyone - I will look at the things suggested.

It's already confirmed there's an OW. She's also married with 2 small children. I know I need to protect myself - but I just can't think straight. It takes all my strength just to get through the day

OP posts:
HouseworkAvoider10 · 27/12/2019 15:04

Villageidiots

Jog on.

lifeisgoodagain · 27/12/2019 15:12

Thanks. It's terrible whenever it happens, worse at Christmas. All I can assure you is that however terrible it is now, it does get better. Took me 5 months really to get used to the idea even, but a few months on and life is so much better. Take each day, work out what you both need to do to protect the kids and ensure dialogue remains open, it really helps not to be fighting. Hugs, you will get through this

beachcomber70 · 27/12/2019 15:52

It's life changing and difficult. But try and do a day at a time as you have been doing. Pamper yourself when you have some time to yourself, good food, steady with cigarettes and alcohol. Resting and not going to bed too late is important.

Do some exercise too, keep yourself well. Talk to friends and family, invite someone over for an evening in. Plan small treats for the weekends with the DC, cinema, eating out, a picnic, visit a friend/family, put a film on at home and all snuggle under the duvet, bake some little cakes, make popcorn, visit a play park....

Cry if you feel like it, it's therapeutic and normal. Get support when feeling low and upset. Put a bad day behind you as no day is the same.
Try and look forward to future plans, a holiday, weekend away, spa day, a night out with a friend/s. It may be in the distance but it will happen.

You will be alright, you have 2 children who you can make your life for, your family, enjoy them, they are your best friends and you can all have good times in days/months to come. You will become a great team.

I've been there and know how awful it feels in the early days. It does change. Take an hour at a time sometimes. Come on here if you want support, to vent, get advice. You will heal. All the best.

stophuggingme · 27/12/2019 15:58

If he doesn’t love you all enough to be the man and father he promised you he was then he doesn’t deserve you

You don’t believe us right now but you will survive and get through this. One day you will see that someone who doesn’t love
You enough or can’t be steadfast for the family you’ve created isn’t worth your tears. You will stop crying them for him one day and you will see him and this for what it is. But until then Flowers

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