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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do

15 replies

Moses12 · 27/12/2019 09:29

Posted on here before and got Good advice. So here I an again - ongoing saga. Was Dating a guy nearly 5 months- supposedly dumped him last week, but still in contact. Both busy lives, me work long hours and active social life. Him full time job and starting own business. He also has 50% custody of a teenager. We also live 30 mins drive away

We saw each other 1/2 times a week, staying over, text each day, occasionally called. Up till December All was good. December hit and he was busy with his business (craft business) and his family was coming over from abroad, so said he would be spending lots of time with them. Kind of prewarning we won’t see much of each other. Fair dues, it’s Christmas and I had family over too. But seemed I got dropped.

However he seemed to make time for friends, just not me in those weeks. Turns out his family didn’t want to see him week before Xmas as they had other plans. He does this thing of imagining how things should turn out in his head without properly communicating it and gets upset if it doesn’t meet his expectations. He got upset, texting lots of why unfair etc. I invited him round fir support and he said no, needed alone time. However went out with friends. I got fed up, reading into it that he wasn’t interested, as couldn’t make time to see me but could with friends, so nicely ended it. He also made non committal plans with me fir New Years but couldn’t say what arrangement he the day as teenagers choice. we are itv ready to meet the child as not in a stable place. Fair dues,teenager is a priority, so I made other plans. He was not happy with this, saying we could of spent time together - but only if he was free a di am not spending time alone just in case. This was what ended it.

Xmas day, he calls and apologised for being an idiot. Said he likes me, but has his guard up as hurt before, last relationship he was henpecked and lost touch with friends. Now back in terms. Talked to his family about me and they said he was being an idiot, I was different and surprised it took me so long to dump him. He said let’s met up on 27th as that’s our only free time. I am going as interested to hear what he has to say.

Yesterday he texts and says he has been give tickets to the football, so he is going. I am slightly annoyed as he said he had to spend time with his family, but can dump them to go to the football, but couldn’t make time to see me in the part week. Feel slightly selfish at feeling this way over football.

So should I hear him out and chalk up the last month to weird December with competing plans or just ignore. For some reason I can’t give up this guy. Any other guy would have been dumped for lesser reasons.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 27/12/2019 10:28

OP - It’s not your first post about this and all seems very similar.
Here is my take.
You’ve only just met and saw each other for four months prior to Xmas. @1-2 times/week - It’s not enough time to make it into an actual relationship, with expectations and pressures you seek to be putting on him. And add to that whatever history people have - that you don’t event yet know about.
Xmas is a busy and difficult time for all - and new Xmas related business and family visits surely add pressure.

You like the guy? Then stop obsessing and overanalysing. Way way to early to put expectations on how he needs to prioritise you. Also way early for judgements how he spends his time - football or family - it’s HIS life.
He doesn’t really know you - or you him.
Take your time and get to know each other.
What do you have to lose by talking to him?

category12 · 27/12/2019 12:57

So he's begged for another chance, and first opportunity he gets to see you, he drops you for a football match?

This isn't rocket science. He wants you, but only when he hasn't got a better offer.

If you like being bottom of his list, crack on. Even being dumped didn't get him to shape up.

category12 · 27/12/2019 12:58

PS. It's a lot easier to split up with someone and get over them, if you stop contact.

LemonTT · 27/12/2019 13:11

He is seeing her today which he arranged as the only free time he had.

He got tickets for the Boxing Day football and presumably dropped or changed his plans to go. It was probably a present and the people he was otherwise spending time with, either went or encouraged him to go.

OP, you can’t always be a priority. He had time to see and he is using that time. What he does with the rest of his time is his own business. Things matter in different ways, at different times for different people. I really don’t see the problems here unless you need to be always the centre of his life and his plans.

Drum2018 · 27/12/2019 13:16

I wouldn't bother with him. Block him and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

TheStoic · 27/12/2019 13:20

Why are you over-thinking this?

He can drop you and pick you up whenever he wants. You know it and he knows it. It’s clearly working for both of you.

Bufferingkisses · 27/12/2019 13:25

He's just not that into you (he really isn't in the slightest bit arsed). Please pick up.your self respect, block him and move on. Next time you meet someone expect better.

category12 · 27/12/2019 13:44

Oh misread, sorry.

Moses12 · 27/12/2019 13:54

Appreciate that it’s early days. Just makes me upset/angry/ignored when he says too busy to make plans with me, but can make last minute plans with others. It was his reaction for NYE that made me angry. Expecting me to wait about to see if he was free. I had an invite and said if you don’t know then I may go with my friends.

OP posts:
Moses12 · 27/12/2019 13:58

@LemonTT it’s not that he got them as a gift or last minute. It’s the fact he can arrange things with others. I expect us to have different interests and want to spend time Alone with friends. I don’t need to be his universe, but thought about yes.

Today is the only day we can see each other due to other plans. Selfishly I feel neglected.

OP posts:
midep · 27/12/2019 14:25

See how today goes. Tell him he's pushing his luck.

Bufferingkisses · 27/12/2019 15:17

Stop it! You're feeling neglected because you are being! This plus your other thread, he is a manchild who wants to have you hanging for when he can be arsed. If someone wants yo see you they will. This chump doesn't. You are worth more than this.

MMmomDD · 27/12/2019 18:50

OP - you are feeling ‘neglected’ because in your mind you are in some sort of long term committed relationship.
And in his mind - he has just started dating you - and it’s not at the same level of commitment as in your head.
Stop sitting around and waiting for him - make your plans with friends and live your life.
Dating can continue or not - up to both of you. But I hope the mismatched expectations get sorted.

Candyfloss70 · 27/12/2019 19:59

This again?

deepwatersolo · 27/12/2019 20:06

What MMmomDD said (both posts).

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